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to want to be able to contact XP at all times when DS is with him?

(71 Posts)
EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance Sat 03-Sep-11 10:01:47

DS has been at XP's house since last Sat and is due back at lunch time today, only for all I know they could both be dead because I haven't been able to get in touch with them since Tuesday shock. I think they're at XP's new GF's house, but I don't know her surname or phone number, and XP's phone goes straight to voicemail so have no way of getting in touch.
AIBU in thinking this is totally out of order?

FigsAndWine Sat 03-Sep-11 10:06:04

YANBU. You can't expect him to be contactable 100% of the time, but to be out of touch for four days is not on. If he's got no reception then he should have rung you from a landline to let you know everything's ok.

akaemmafrost Sat 03-Sep-11 10:06:45

No imvho YANBU but you will get tons of responses saying that you are I suspect.

I get very stressed when I can't get hold of my kids when they are with their Dad, luckily although he is a knob to me, he loves his kids and tries to do what will make them happy. Also he would be stressed if he couldn't get hold of us when he wanted to and I think he worries I would do it too if he did it.

Gonzo33 Sat 03-Sep-11 10:07:27

I had this with my exh when our ds went to stay with him, nearly ended up calling the police.

Don't know how old your Ds is but mine is ten and I was still very worried.

Plus if the boot was on the other foot you can guarantee I would have been screamed at for "not letting him have telephone contact"

Birdsgottafly Sat 03-Sep-11 10:08:02

Do you normally over contact him and so he is doing this on purpose?

It depends on what it is that they may be doing, or if he has other family that know where he is.
If he was going treking in Snowdonia, for example, it is sensible to let someone know the plans.

You aren't happy, so you now need to work out a plan for next time that will suit all of you.

FreudianSlipper Sat 03-Sep-11 10:08:15


Meglet Sat 03-Sep-11 10:11:34


akaemmafrost Sat 03-Sep-11 10:11:41

How often would all of you expect to speak to your dc. I would want daily contact at the very least and ex would want the same. We also get kids to ring if doing something particularly exciting so the other can share it a bit.

worraliberty Sat 03-Sep-11 10:13:38

How old is your child?

GypsyMoth Sat 03-Sep-11 10:15:04

Op...... Does it work the other way? Can he ALWAYS contact you as well??

If so yanbu..

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern Sat 03-Sep-11 10:18:15

YAB a bit U.
I totally get how you feel but to be contactable at all times is a bit much but agree 4 days is too much to not be able to get any contact at all.
I get irritated if I call ex and he doesn't answer but I do have to tell myself that it works both ways the dc live with me and I am not contactable 100% of the time and sometimes he calls and I miss his calls because I'm busy or don't hear it so I have to give him the same grace I suppose.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 03-Sep-11 10:19:40

This is my worst nightmare, because ex has form in harm & neglect of our children.

YANBU, you should at least get to wish your DC good night.

I would have called the police, but then my situation is probably very different from yours.

Hope your DS is OK. I think you need to clarify that your child needs to be reachable in case of emergencies at all times & you're happy to extend the same courtesy.

ChristinedePizan Sat 03-Sep-11 10:20:06

I think all times is a bit much but I would be really cross not to have heard from them since Tuesday

Oakmaiden Sat 03-Sep-11 10:22:57

In answer to your actually AIBU - yes you are. There is no reason why your XP needs to make sure he is contactable "at all times" - it is neither necessary nor practical. However, I suspect you know that really, and what you really want is to be assured of regular contact whilst you son is with your xp - or to know in advance if they are doing something which will make them uncontactable. That is not at all unreasonable.

ChippingIn Sat 03-Sep-11 10:23:03

YANBU - it is totally out of order.

<Unless you have previously driven him insane calling all the time for stupid stupid reasons>

worraliberty Sat 03-Sep-11 10:23:23

It depends on the age most of these sort of threads do.

If the child is a baby or a toddler then that's way to long.

If he's 14 or 15yrs old...then not so much

BrawToken Sat 03-Sep-11 10:28:52

YANBU, it's common courtesy.

He's deliberately upsetting you and trying to make a (misguided) point imo. My ex once took dd abroad and didn't call me the whole time. He came home and said he didn't realise he should have. Yeah, right.

EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance Sat 03-Sep-11 10:43:24

DS is 9, when he's with his dad I usually call him once a day either in the morning to say hello and see what the plans are for the day, or in the evening to say goodnight and let him tell me about his day. XP has never indicated that this bothered him, and I never phone during the day as they're usually out enjoying themselves etc and I don't want to interupt.
When DS is with me it's very rare that XP wants to get in touch, I try to get DS to call him once a week but his phone is often switched off and he has no land line.
DS doesn't got to his dad's very often, DS complains about his dad smacking him for nothing so he's sometimes reluctant to go, and XP doesn't ask to see him very often. If it was up to me I'd probably cut all ties, but that's obviously not in the best interest of DS, and I think XP genuinely loves him and enjoys spending time with him.
I do worry about things though, XP is an ex heroin addict, and although he has been clean for several years he replaces his heroin addiction with other things such as smoking cannabis, drinking or having lots of sex (not a great paternal image by anyone's standards). I've had several conversations with him about what I thought was inappropriate behaviour when DS is around and he has said he wouldn't do anything to harm DS, including smoking in the same room as him or driving when he's been drinking etc, but DS 'reports' back that he still smokes when he's around and always has a can or two or beer before driving (possibly not enough to be over the limit, but still alarming IMO).

EnglishMumInSouthOfFrance Sat 03-Sep-11 10:44:57

Also, I don't think he's doing it intentionally to piss me off, but just doesn't realise the effect it's having on me (and DH, my mum etc etc).

solidgoldbrass Sat 03-Sep-11 10:48:58

COntact once a day is perfectly reasonable, and I understand that you are worried given XP's past behaviour. Is your DS old enough to be given a phone of his own so that he can ring you? As it does sound as though the XP is a selfish thoughtless prick rather than actively wanting to put the fear of hell into you.

ownthreadhider Sat 03-Sep-11 10:52:24

YABU - if you don't trust your ex don't give him access. I presume you are always available to him when you have your DS?

How old is DS? Buy him a mobile phone then you can always contact him.

MindyMacready Sat 03-Sep-11 10:55:46

In answer to the thread title, then yes, YABU. He's with a responsible adult and there is no need for on demand contact.

However, I'd expect to be able to have a daily catch up/what are you dong today type conversation, and if that were the question you'd asked then you would not have been unreasonable.

ownthreadhider Sat 03-Sep-11 10:55:57

And if you have a need to know where he is while with his dad ask him for an itinery at pick up time hmm.

Mitmoo Sat 03-Sep-11 10:58:26

Why do some people play these stupid games, what are you likely to say next time he wants to take him away when you've been through hell this time?

I've stopped all future breaks for the foreseeable as my ex thought it would be funny not to return my son and keep him out without his medications for an extra night and day. My son is 14 but ex can do one if he thinks he is putting me or my family through that crap again and he has been told that too by text of course as he refuses to talk to me.

OP YANBU your ex is though.

BrawToken Sat 03-Sep-11 10:59:46

A mobile phone is a really good idea. A cheap one for when he's with his Dad, fully charged before he goes. At 9, he's old enough to remember to charge it too.

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