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to have told dd shes smelly?

(70 Posts)
needsanswers Sat 03-Sep-11 00:41:02

dd age 3.4 up untill a few week ago was absolutley fine with me washing her hair, she usually has a shower i put a flannel over her eyes tilt her head back and wash her hair, generally no water will go in her eyes because she doesnt like it, 2weeks ago it started, she starts screaming, stamping her feet, works her self up into a real state saying she doesnt want me to wash it? which i cant understand as ive been washing her hair every 2 days for her whole life.

I have tried calmly speaking to her, asking whats wrong, her reply is generally i don't want you to and crying and crying although once she told me it was because the water was going to make her eyes come out?? iv explained why i need to wash her hair, promising no water will go in her eyes...

I just don't know what to do about the issue, i tried once last week ( after this had already been going on for about 6days) basically forcing her she was soo very upset she kept moving that water did go in her eyes? was that the mistake i made?

This morning shower again with the refusal of me washing her hair i had had enough i was very cross and i think i over reacted, i told her her hair was smelly, and the kids at kindy arnt going to want to play with you anymore if you don't let me wash it... she still refused, i then told her she will not be watching any cartoons, she will be getting no movies from the shop, (we go to the video shop once a week were she gets to choose two movies she likes and dp and i watch them with her as one of our 'family activities') and no stories before bed until she lets me wash her hair!

Have i completely over reacted, i feel like ive been very mean because these are the things she looks forward to, but if i go back on what i have already said shes going to think i don't go through with punishments... she generally seems fine with the punishment and has a ' i don't care what you say you are not washing my hair' attitude atm arggg what do i do and how do i get her to let me wash her hair??
sorry for the ramble i was trying to figure the situation out while writting it down lol

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 03-Sep-11 00:45:46

Erm, your toddler DD has suddenly become afraid of something. Instead of helping her deal with this, you have started to insult and threaten her.

This is not resolving the issue.

FabbyChic Sat 03-Sep-11 00:49:16

Washing her hair every two days is too much. Once a week is good enough, you are constantly stripping her hair of all the oils.

She is clearly terrified threatening to not allow her to watch cartoons is just not fair. Kids go through this some even to the point they don't bathe for six months and have to have a wash down instead.

You need to get to the root of the problem.

Have you tried a bath and her putting her head back and using a plastic jug instead?

boxoftricks Sat 03-Sep-11 00:49:50

swimming goggles are your friend here. get her to press them to her eyes and then definately no water will get in.
is it definately just the water she is scared of?
can you sit her in the bath with just a few inches of water and just get her to play? can you get her to dunk her own head in the bath of water. perhaps making it into a competition into how much she can get wet in one go?

winnybella Sat 03-Sep-11 00:50:42

Small children often have irrational fears ( terrified that they will go down the drain with bath water, for example). She's scared that the water will make her eyes fall out, yes? You need to have a calm talk (not right before bath) explaining how that will not happen etc. Perhaps it will take few times before she'll agree. Perhaps she can see you washing your hair?

Is there anything else going on in her life at the moment? Anything stressful?

ddubsgirl Sat 03-Sep-11 00:59:44

i thought it was going to be about an older child!i often tell mine they smell!
))))))))))))smelly teens & pre teens(((((((((((((
shes 3,find another way to help her wash her hair.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 03-Sep-11 01:03:15

I think you know you have overreacted and it's particularly U of you to punish your dd by withdrawing a 'family activity' and bedtime stories.

Presumably her hair gets wet in the shower? Buy her some little swimming goggles (take her with you and let her choose them) and encourage her to shampoo her hair herself with a no-tears product with you rinsing it off. If she's standing in a shower, there's no need for her to tilt her head back while you wash/rinse her hair - I wash mine with my head down.

I'm also a tad shock that you told her that her hair was smelly and that other children wouldn't want to play with her. That's a highly inappropriate and spiteful thing to say to a child and I hope you'll choose your words more carefully in future.

BabyDubsEverywhere Sat 03-Sep-11 01:04:50

My DD can be a bit of a bugger with hair washing. So we bath her, so body/face are done, then get her out, swaddle her in a towel hold her like a rugby ball and wash her hair in the sink.....its a killer on the arms but the closest thing i get to a work out grin and she doesnt cry.

brighthair Sat 03-Sep-11 01:05:30

Is it better if she tips her head forward? I have always had mine washed kneeling on a step leaning forward over bath - less chance if water getting in eyes

lachesis Sat 03-Sep-11 01:05:45

3-year-olds don't smell!

Punishment? She's 3.

Get one of those jugs made for washing childrens' hair from GLTC. Go in the bath with her, let her wash your hair.

madhattershouse Sat 03-Sep-11 01:08:58

I always give my kids a flannel to hold above thrie eyes. It stops the water going in their eyes. I then tell them that I will cut off the hair if they will still not "play ball". My girls have waist length hair.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 03-Sep-11 01:12:11

but if i go back on what i have already said shes going to think i don't go through with punishments

IMO a child is never to young to learn that adults fuck up - tell her that you've had a long think and that of course you're not going to punish her for being scared that water might get in her eyes when she's having her hair washed.

Instead, you're taking her to buy some magic goggles that won't allow any water to get in her eyes and she'll be able to wash her own hair while she's wearing them.

In future choose any 'punishment' (I hate that word being used in the context of young children) with care and make it suit the crime. In this case, there is no crime and your dd doesn't deserve to be punished just because you couldn't control your temper.

MightyQuim Sat 03-Sep-11 01:13:46

I think you know you've been a bit harsh but we all do things that, on reflection, we could have done differently or better. I see what you mean about not wanting to go back on your word but there's no shame in admitting you've made a mistake.
Theres been some good suggestions on here like using swimming goggles and letting her watch you wash your hair. I've also seen caps that are supposed to stop water going in your eyes. Also i agree with just washing her hair when it really needs it and maybe giving her a small treat if she lets you without a fuss. Make sure you use a no tears shampoo too. Good luck.

needsanswers Sat 03-Sep-11 01:19:22

DioneTheDiabolist threatning her was obviosly not what i wanted to do that why i have asked for advise.

FabbyChic being a hairdresser i no every 2nd day is not too much, and in the winter i usually only do it ever 3 to 4 days as i dont wont her to catch a cold having wet hair... i should of explained myself better but didnt want my post to be to long that people stop reading blush i have tried doing it in the bath but i still have the same issue. i have tried to get to the bottom of the issue but she just stars getting stressed out every time i bring it up.

boxoftricks swimming goggles is a fantastic idea! i never thought of that! thank you for that advise i will definately give it ago! i think its just the water, iv tried several times to talk to her about it but she just says dont want you to wash my hair? dp has tried the game with her that they put their head under water etc, up untill a few weeks ago she would play fine, but 1 day just decided she doesnt want to, cant figure out why?

winnybellayes she did say to be the once that her eyes would fall out, i explained to her in wouldnt and she seemed fine with it... i got her to watch me washing my hair this morning, all she said was good girl mum i dont want you to wash my hair tho.. lol cheeky! nothing stressfull at all going on at the moment, to tell you the truth life is better then ever, maybe something to do with her little brother due in 3months, although she is excited about that..

the only thing i can think of is that has happened waterwise is a year ago today we have a 7.1 EQ so for several weeks we weren't aloud to drink the water etc as it was contaminated, i had to always remind her of this in the shower/bath then 6months ago we had a 6.3 aftershock and 2months ago another 6.3 aftershock with several 5+ aftershocks inbetween, i think we are up to about 7000 aftershocks since the initial 7.1, our city is very damaged but we were one of the lucky ones that house is still standing and didnt loose to many belongings and she is very scared of the aftershocks but over the last month i think she has generally felt only a handful of aftershocks, (i am now quite good at hearing the rumbling before a quake hits and can usually pick her up, dance about and sing like an idiot so she doesnt feel it, she just thinks im being funny) but the washing the hair has oinly been an issue for the last few weeks so wouldnt think the aftershocks and not letting the water near her mouth would be an issue....our water has been fine to drink for awhile now..

winnybella Sat 03-Sep-11 01:24:59

Could be the earthquake and aftershocks and/or your pregnancy that have unsettled her, easily. Even if she's happy about a new sibling, it can be a bit of a stressful time. It definitely was for my DS when I was pg with DD and I have heard same for other children.

Goggles seem like a good idea. In any case, don't get upset with her, wash her hair once a week or so, obv. you'll have to do it, but don't insist on washing it every two days.

It'll pass in a few weeks/months.

needsanswers Sat 03-Sep-11 01:30:27

wow i got alot of responses in the time i was writing...

I obviously realize i was wrong in the way i reacted i was getting frustrated with the same battle and that's why i have asked advise..
to all the people mentioning she 3, i am aware of that and weather i am right or wrong do believe children even at 3 need to learn that when they behave badly ( not that im saying that this is bad behavior!) they cant get away with it and there are boundaries or i would hate to think what they would act like when they are older..

Thank you for all the helpful responses, you have made me see she wasnt just being frustrating for no reason that their might actually be something bothering her, i really appreciate it and think the goggles is a fantastic idea... we will be heading out shortly to get some smile

festi Sat 03-Sep-11 01:56:08

regardless of wether or not you are a hairderser, 2 or 3 times a week is too muck my dd is 5 and hers done one or twice a week and that is enough, she has terrible craddle crap still and washin it does it make it worse. it is far better to allow it dry out, I wash my hair once a fourtnight as it is teribly dry and falls out otgher wise, my dsis has terribly greasy hair and needs to wash it every other day....so being a hairderesser gives you no more authority on hair washing than anyone else a child that age does not need a hair wash more than once a week, As a human being and mother I am well aware of that.

now for the helpfull advice, you need to just get on and wash her hair regardless of her reaction and I woukld limi this to once a week. After being seriously ill will chicken pox and a very nsore and infected face and scalp my dd refused to get in the bath after she was recovered. it is essential to clean her, so I stood her up in the bath and washed her. I done her hair with no shampoo for severl weeks, just run the flannel over it untill she could cope with sitting down.

you dont even need enough shampoo to work up a lather and pour water, you need to just put a pee sized on a flannel and work it out backwards with water untill it has rinced clean you can do this without them noticing. do it whilst playing then add a few extra demands like some water on the nape untill it is tolerated further or ven a bucket for dd to pour over her self and you laugh at her. Build it up untill she is more confident with the water on her face.

another helpfull trick is getting her to blow bubbles in the water, that way she gets used to water on her face. blow the suds on her and make a laugh untill she gets used to a wet face.

you have over reacted and you know that but there is lots of good advice on this thread to try.

Nihilisticbunny Sat 03-Sep-11 02:19:56

My ds2 has gone through 2 periods of being terrified of baths, he is still too young to be reasoned with. Guess what I just do it and he screams, he has been better recently with the addition of splashing Mummy and fiddling with the shower, however hair washing is a complete trauma, although we only do it when it's minging.

Meh I'm not going to indulge in fricking swimming goggles ffs, he will either learn to lie back and swish his own head, or look at the ceiling whilst I shower his head, just like his older siblings. Water in the eyes is not a known killer afaik, they may act like it is the end of the world, it really isn't.

Doitnicelyplease Sat 03-Sep-11 02:26:44

My DD nearly 3 has HATED having her hair washed since she was about 14 months. As a result we only do it once a week to avoid 'the battle', but just recently she has become happier if she can tip the water over her head herself (she really hates water in the face/eyes and won't listen to us saying tilt your head back etc).

The reason for the turnaround I think is she has been swimming a lot recently and learning that water in the face/eyes is not the end of the world, so my suggestion is swimming lessons, so she becomes more comfortable with the water again.

Also her hair will get wet/washed after lessons.

If that is not the issue then I think you just have to work with her to resolve this rather than punish, maybe also try a reward chart to get her happy with the hair washing again.

Don't get in a power struggle over it.

GwendolineMaryLacey Sat 03-Sep-11 02:28:04

Those of you saying just buy this or just buy that have clearly never had a child so terrified that they won't even let you you touch their heads in the water. DD is 3.7 and stopped letting us wash her hair about 3 months ago. No goggles, shower, flannel, special jugs, tipping head back, explanations, talking through fears, nothing. We have tried everything in the book and nothing is making the slightest bit of difference. We are lucky if it gets washed once a week and as she has long hair if just looks awful. I've told her we'll have to cut it if we can't keep it clean and she doesn't care about that either. No amount of bribery works, she would gladly have missed her first ever birthday party rather than do it if it came to that. We have talked through what she's afraid of and no amount of reassurances and promises help.

So I can quite see why the op got frustrated and said what she said. But it's hard when nothing else works, what do you do?

piprabbit Sat 03-Sep-11 02:36:42

I'd suggest
a) reducing the number of hair washes to once a week for a little while - until she is more relaxed about it.

b) try washing hair in the morning instead of at bedtime - irrational fears and the battles they cause always seem to escalate out of control when toddlers are getting a bit tired - they don't seem to know how to stop.

c) Could you shower/wash hair together in the morning?

d) does she have a doll whose hair she could wash - giving her control through play might build her confidence (and if you listen and watch might give you some clues about what is going on in her head).

needsanswers Sat 03-Sep-11 03:32:46

the whole point of this thread was to get people views of weather i was being unreasonable, which i now realize i was i was just very frustrated at the time! and to get some suggestions of what could help. thank you to all the people being helpful its a relief not knowing im in it alone!

GwendolineMaryLacey thank you someone who doesn't think im a cold hearted mother who just wanted to hurt my dd with words, i was just very very frustrated at the time and couldn't think of anything else to say, reasoning with her wasn't working for me, talking through it with her wasn't working for me either, she has curly hair which alot of fluff etc get mingled into it and brushing the knotts out can be very difficult and hard on her if her hair isnt clean ish that's why after not washing it for over a week i was desperate for her to let me. I am in the same position that anything i say to her she doesn't care in the slightest that's why i was after some ideas because i had none left and clearly wasn't handling the situation very well.

I'm more then happy to reduce the hair washing to once a week which is the reason i haven't tried pressuring her for the last week, just asking her, her saying no then leaving it at that, but at some point or the other it needs to be washed and i'm not lieing when it doesn't smell nice.

piprabbit thank you for your helpful idea's i have tried all of them, she has a little dolls bath that she takes into the shower with her, puts dolly in with a flannel over dolly's eyes and washes her hair, I hear her saying stay still dolly and it wont get in your eyes ( very cute)

festi basically i find your comments plane rude! you have no right to tell me im washing my dd hair too much as you put it, she has curly hair which alot of fluff etc gets stuck in it, every morning brushing her hair takes along time and it alot easier when clean as the knotts come out alot easier! i do not judge you and over how often you do or do not wash your or your childrens hair as it is clearly none of my business!!! and i would never dream of telling someone how to raise their children! you comment as you no everything about hair and in fact you dont and i find your comments rediculous. Oh and also believe it or not i know how much shampoo is needed to wash hair..
Being a hairdresser isnt an important job but i did have study 9months to become one and alot of that believe it or not is book work about HAIR.
your other comments how ever i do find useful so thank you.

sorry for the rant that post just got under my skin, thankyou to all the other helpful comments smile

sparkle12mar08 Sat 03-Sep-11 08:00:15

ooh aren't we throwing a hissy fit needsanswers! So if you don't want to take advice and the benefit of others' experiences don't bother asking next time!

Rude? You're the one who's rude dear.

trumpton Sat 03-Sep-11 08:12:34

I used to lay DD on the draining board with her face up and her head overhanging the sink.
Godson , when going through same phase had shampoo shield and special "Dog" shampoo ( I stuck a picture of a cute pupy onto no-sting shampoo bottle) and he barked at me whilsy I washed his fur.
Just saying that go round it and pick your battles. Lateral thinking is your friend.

wishiwasholdingaachinegun Sat 03-Sep-11 08:12:54

Has she seen something that's made her scared of the water?

When I was about four I saw that big ferry accident on telly (1984-5ish) and became scared of water/boats. I don't actually remember seeing it, it was my mum who told me a few years ago that was probably why I'm (still) scared of water.

The eyes popping out thing should give you a clue. Children also 'miss-see' things although it was possibly just something silly from a cartoon.

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