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AIBU?

to meddle in this situation?

34 replies

reallyunsure · 02/09/2011 20:48

I have namechanged jic.

My DS2 is just about to go in to Y6. He will be sitting the exam for the selctive boys' grammar that DS1 goes to. His friend, lets call him P, goes round in an intense gang of 3 boys and 2 girls. DS2 is happily peripheral to this group and joins in occasionally, and I am friends with P's mum.

Now, the problem.

P is exceptionally clever and his parents want him to go to the grammar (P's dads old school). P wants to stay with this gang, none of whom want to go to the grammar, and they are all happy to go to the local school where all their siblings attend. (P is an only child). The other school is a very good school as well. But P will be booked in for the exam shortly, and his mum fully expects him to pass and wants to deal with the seperation issues when they arise.

P has confided with my DS2 that he's playing along with his mum and dad's wishes, but will not put any effort in on the day in order to flunk the test and therefore go to the same school as these important friends.

So, AIBU to mention this to my friend so that she has time to talk to P about all this?

OP posts:

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ChippingIn · 02/09/2011 20:50

YANBU - there's no way I'd be able to keep this from my friend. She needs to know. I'm not entirely sure what she can do about it though - you can't make a child do something well/properly but I guess she can threaten to take everything he owns off of him and ground him till he's 40.

magicmelons · 02/09/2011 20:52

I wouldn't say anything, surely it breaks your ds's trust with his friend.

magicmelons · 02/09/2011 20:53

and if he's as bright as you say, he'll be fine in either school.

KittyFane · 02/09/2011 20:53

Yes, tell her, she's your friend.. You could always say that it may just be bravado on her DS part/ silly talk... But tell her anyway.

create · 02/09/2011 20:54

I think if she's your friend you should mention it, but I suspect she already knows that there's at least a chance he'll be pulling that one. As Chipping says, not sure what she can do about it.

thisisyesterday · 02/09/2011 20:57

i think i would say something yes

although tbh at that age boys are all mouth aren't they? i wouldn't be surprised if he actually does his best at the test anyway and is just saying that to show off a bit.

but yeh, i would mention it

DoMeDon · 02/09/2011 20:57

Or P may be lying so his friend's don't think he wants to go to the school. Or he may be so clever he passes even though he tries not to.

I don't think I would say anything. If he said something more serious I would be willing to break that trust but not over this.

RedHelenB · 02/09/2011 21:00

He would have to be clever to flunk it & make it look as though he had not done so deliberately!! Maybe he is all bravado in front of his mates & when it comes to it he will do his best. I know children who will say whatever they think their friends want to hear but who wouldn't disappoint their parents so least said soonest mended imo.

RedHelenB · 02/09/2011 21:00

He would have to be clever to flunk it & make it look as though he had not done so deliberately!! Maybe he is all bravado in front of his mates & when it comes to it he will do his best. I know children who will say whatever they think their friends want to hear but who wouldn't disappoint their parents so least said soonest mended imo.

reallyunsure · 02/09/2011 21:01

Oh I have no doubt that the child will be fine wherever he goes.

I think that if the roles were reversed I would like to know, so as to open the lines of honest communication with my son.

Kitty, I agree, the child is very competitive, and I feel that with a test put in front of him, it would be difficult for him to override the natural urge to achieve. And that is one reason why I feel I may be speaking unnecessaily iyswim.

I do beleive that if she knew how he felt, then she may support his wishes to go to the other school.

It's just the dishonestly sits very uncomfortably with me.

OP posts:

Hassled · 02/09/2011 21:01

I'd get P round to your house and drop into conversation over tea the fact that your (made up) friend was telling you all about how her son went into Yr7 at the local school and was separated from all his mates from Day 1 - not a single one was in any of his classes . But that's just what happens these days, it must be really hard. Mate's son had to see friends out of school instead.

See if you can get him to understand that going to local school with best mates won't necessarily mean he'll see much of best mates.

Helenagrace · 02/09/2011 21:01

I'd probably try to drop something into the conversation along the lines of "you don't think he'd try and fail the test deliberately do you?" in the hope that I could get away with alerting the mum whilst simultaneously like I was just musing on a vague possibility.

kelly2000 · 02/09/2011 21:03

I would tell her - how are you going to feel if he does fail and she is upset.

willugotobed · 02/09/2011 21:04

If it were a good friend I would mention it.

AKissIsNotAContract · 02/09/2011 21:05

I wouldn't say anything. He might do his best but not pass, then his mum would think he'd failed on purpose.

ViviPru · 02/09/2011 21:07

YANBU - you just care. But nah - don't tell her. As others have said, its unlikely to have a positive outcome if you do.

And to those who don't think its possible, I deliberately flunked a science test to determine which set we'd be in for GCSEs on purpose because I fancied a boy. I did it and spent a blissful 2 years in his presence in foundation set science. I gained the highest grades in the year for all my other GCSE subjects (even Phys. Ed - wtf?) and my scientific backwardness remained a perpetual mystery to my teachers.

pictish · 02/09/2011 21:10

I'd keep schtum and let events unfold as they would've done anyway.
Every chance he's all bluster anyway.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2011 21:18

Maybe he wants his friends to think he hasn't tried just in case he really does fail. 'Of course, that's what I meant to happen, wasn't it?'
Bit of face-saving. He might be more insecure than people think.

reallyunsure · 02/09/2011 21:20

Gosh, it's all very complex isn't it?

Posters are on both sides of the fence, but you're all making sense.

OP posts:

Talker2010 · 02/09/2011 21:27

I would tell her there is a thread on Mumsnet about a boy who does not want to do well on his 11+ because he wants to stay with his pals and take it from there

hairfullofsnakes · 02/09/2011 21:31

I like your thinking talker2010!

I think you should have a word, if it were my boy I would want to know so I could threaten to take all his wordly goods off him and ground him until he was 40 if he did not pass

!

Flowerista · 02/09/2011 21:40

It doesn't just end with the test ending in fail, assuming he carries the threat through. Ime parents will demand to know what happened, the school will be astonished and will collectively raise an appeal. I think although it's a horrid situation you have to talk, maybe as the other school is really good his parents will be happy for him to go there.

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Flowerista · 02/09/2011 21:43

Ps if I were his mum, I would want to know what you know. Education isn't a game.

slavetofilofax · 02/09/2011 21:49

I wouldn't say anything, just beacuse I don't think there is any need to. His parents probably have some idea how he feels about it anyway. They may well have had the same converstaion that I have had with my ds.

My ds2 is 9, going into y5, and he quite clearly tells me he doesn't want to go to the grammar his brother is about to start at! He had a look at the website for the grammar and the local, and decided he would rather do metal work than latin! So I know how he feels about it, I think he has a good point and even if he passes the test I have a feeling the comp will be best for him, but he will still be doing the test! I will discuss where he goes with him when we know what options we have, and he knows that passing the test would not automatically mean he is going to the grammar.

Birdsgottafly · 02/09/2011 21:56

How understanding are his parents?

Could he be scared of failing, but feels that he cannot open up about it?

These friends could be so important to him because it takes the focus off being pushed academically.

It may be that he doesn't want to go to the school, because he fears being compared with his father.

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