To feel as if I have been a little, er, 'used' by my friend?(15 Posts)
To cut a long story short, and to avoid possible identification on here, my friend has been having an affair since early this year. She has recently started divorce proceedings and has now confessed all to her soon to be ex-dh.
A couple of months ago, before she separated from her dh, she told me everything that had been going on. I was the only friend she confided in, and while I quietly didn't exactly condone her actions I was supportive of her and made myself available to her as a sounding board and a confidante.
Since the whole affair has now become public, she seems to have gone quiet on me. I fully appreciate that she needs time to breathe, speak to her other friends (of which she has several) and try to get her life on track. I have made it clear to her that I am here if she needs me but I will not hound her as I appreciate she may not always be in the mood to talk. I did leave a message on her phone about three days ago as I knew she was moving into her new home, but haven't had so much as a text from her in response.
I have since heard that she is now in regular contact with a couple of other friends and I also know that she is seeing her lover.
I hate to sound needy and playground-y and fully appreciate that I may, but I feel that during the time that I was her only confidante, I went through quite a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Nothing compared to what she was going through, but it was weird being the only person to know, and seeing her dh innocently going about not knowing the situation. Now she has gone quiet, I feel that she has all her other friends around her rallying round and now I kind of feel dumped!
Someone tell me to get a grip - I'm not exactly short of friends myself and really I know I should be relieved that the whole thing isn't a big secret anymore... just can't help feeling a bit used that's all!
Maybe she feels a bit guilty. It could be that you know a lot of gory details she is ashamed of? I would give it a week with normal breezy contact and then send a text saying you are upset not to have been in touch and checking things are ok. If things get back on track I would mention how you feel now. If she doesn't get back in touch/ act as before live, learn and spend time with your real friends. Can be very hurtful x
I think she'll be ashamed / embarrassed and uncomfortable that you know so much. Her choice to confide in you but perhaps now awkward. I don't think you've been used. Maybe her husb asked her if anyone else knew and she claimed she hadn't told anyone. That might be a reason for her to keep a distance from you
Thanks guys for your responses, and empathy. I have wondered whether she feels guilty and a bit embarrassed about what I know. It wasn't just a 'one off' session of telling me things but you're right it could just be plain ol' embarrassment. Shame in a way because I've tried v hard not to make her think I've ever judged her etc. I am a bit of an innocent though compared to her and a lot of her friends (younger too) so perhaps she feels she's corrupted me a bit and wants to feel a little less cumbersome by confiding in other, more worldly friends.
I can't imagine why you'd need friends to 'rally round' you when you've made a conscious effort to cheat on your husband.
But that aside, YANBU.
Does her name begin with 'E' sounds like someone I know!!!
Perhaps the story she's given to her husband and your other friends is quite different to what she told you? She might not be too keen on all the gory facts reaching other people.
Someone who has an affair manages to tell a lot of lies to a lot of people, and even their eventual 'confession' is usually riddled with lies to make themselves appear less bad. In fact the whole package often includes a fair bit of self-denial and blaming others. Frequently the start date of the affair is altered, as is whether anyone else knew. Friends must be kept on board with a particular version of events; and the Ex must be kept sweet. (Often the Ex is told that it's all their fault, and/or that the affair never happened or meant nothing or is over.)
You, on the other hand, know the gory truth.
Personally I'm not the sort of person to go on an emotional rollercoaster ride with a friend, because I'm now a fairly cynical old git [see above].
Tbh I'd wonder about this friend's qualities.
YANBU and I think you hit the nail in your second post. You seem extremely emotionally intelligent and able to cut through to the reality of the situation, which was all very well and good for her when she needed a sounding board and you were under a gagging order as it were. Now it seems she just wants to revel in her new life, she could be reluctant to spend time with someone who is so ostensibly linked to the realities of the painful time she's been through. Absolutely not your fault, and I'd be very surprised if in time she doesn't suddenly think, oh dear, I really miss AmIaDumpee, what a good friend she's been, I really need to make more of an effort with her.
You know I think you're hitting a certain point here. Phillip, yes you're right. My friend has told me things that she says she will still keep hidden from other people. The things she has told me she has done are things that she could get judged harshly on. On top of the bare facts that she's been having an affair.
ATM, she has friends rallying around that only know half the story, a dh that adores her and is happy to take her back, and a boyf that wants her too. In her world right now everyone thinks she's either desirable or worthy of lots of love and sympathy. I've never shown her any lack of sympathy but perhaps she feels that just my knowing certain truths casts a shade on her shaky security.
Well, I'm not going to let it get to me anymore. I may well see her at school pick up later anyway and I'll see how it goes. Up to her, and like I said I'm not exactly lacking in other friends anyway.
LineRunner and ViviPru, thank you also for your posts.
and I'm probably too eager to consider everyone's PoV
LineRunner let's just say I don't disagree with you entirely! I do have a principle though, that bar illegal practices, what a friend gets up to in his or her spare time is up to him/her. So long as they treat me with respect and fairness I'll do the same to them.
ViviPru, I'm just flattered that you called me 'emotionally intelligent' so you go on being agreeable as much as you like!
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