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to have told my bridesmaid I didn't want to do what she had got planned for my hen night?

(38 Posts)
MrsRupertBear Fri 02-Sep-11 00:37:16

Just in need of some advice really. I got married just over 18 months ago and my close friend (who was also my chief bridesmaid) kindly offered to organise me a suprise hen do. I was a little wary at first (as me and my friend have drifted apart over the years) but accepted, as I could see it was something that she was eager to do and I was grateful for her help.

However, two weeks before the hen weekend, I recieved a phone call from my chief bridesmaid saying that some of the party were being akward and that they had told her that the things she was planning to do, was things that I had told them in the past I would hate to do. She then went on to tell me what she had planned, which ended with me doing a long pause over the phone. I didn't want to sound ungrateful but I got upset and told her that it wasn't what I wanted - far from it. I didn't even feel I could go along with it to keep the peace. She was upset herself because of all the time and effort she had put into organising it but said she still had not made any payments for things, if I wanted to change things and sort out the hen night myself. I felt really bad but really just did not want to go where she had planned to take me and do things she had planned to do.

Anyway, I did end up sorting an alternative night out but when I told my friend, she was really funny with me and said she wasn't sure if she could come (even though it all cost the same) and she need to think about it. This upset me, as I thought it would be nice for her to be there being my chief bridesmaid but thought fair enough. She eventually decided she was coming with two other of her own friends (not mine) and stopped in a differnt hotel, as she said that the one I had booked was too expensive. She came but looked as though she didnt want to be there. She sat down all night compalining her feet were hurting and never really joined in with anything over the weekend. if anything, I felt like I was being bitched about to her friends all night. When I called her the next day to meet for a late breakfast and shopping, she said she had left over an hour ago to go home.

When we all got home I was really upset but still left it, because I didnt want to cause friction so close to the wedding. However, I started recieving text messages saying how much i had upset her. I apologised again but told her that I was now getting upset and stressed with how she had respnded to things and explained again that it was my hen night and I really wouldn't have pulled the plug on what she had got planned if I really didn't want to go. She in a-round-about manner told me that she wasn't sure she could be my bridesmaid to which my response was if we didnt sort this out now, it would be the end of our friendship.

Anyway to cut a very long story short. We had the day, she was very supportive but 3 nights ago, the whole thing kicked off again because of me going on a hen night with the person who told her I didnt want to do what she had planned. She got really upset and told me how she disliked all of my friends and that i had upset her that much back then that I had driven her to smoke. So really what I want to know is was I being unreasonable, as I am getting really upset with the whole situation now. Thanks and sorry for thelong post.

AuntiePickleBottom Fri 02-Sep-11 00:41:55

i think you picked wrong bridesmaids.

AuntiePickleBottom Fri 02-Sep-11 00:43:24

also i hate hen party, the very reason i arranged mine with my sister birthday on the royal wedding

LeBOF Fri 02-Sep-11 00:43:37

It was 18 months ago, so its not really about your hen night, but about your friendship. What else is going on?

AnnieLobeseder Fri 02-Sep-11 00:44:22

Well, I've heard of bridezillas but this sounds like a bridesmaidzilla!! I guess I can understand her being a bit upset (and possibly embarassed) that she went to some trouble to organise something, but you didn't like it and changed it.

But, first of all, if you weren't that close, she should have asked someone closer to you what sort of party you would like.

(though I have to ask, if you're not that close, why was she chief bridesmaid).

And second of all, when she found out you didn't like what she planned and wanted to arrange something else, even if she was unhappy, she should have sucked it up and got on with re-arranging the party.

Because at the end of the day, it was your party, your wedding, and she should have been doing her best to make every moment of it as wonderful for you as she could possibly manage. That's what I took my role to be at my dear friend's wedding, and would have thought the same applied to all bridesmaids.

MardyBra Fri 02-Sep-11 00:45:35

Agree with Auntie. It sounds like you had already drifted apart before the wedding.

begonyabampot Fri 02-Sep-11 00:47:42

she sounds like a real pain in the arse and not such a great or close friend TBH.

sunshinelifeisgood Fri 02-Sep-11 00:48:52

sorry struggled to read it but your wedding your day smile

MrsRupertBear Fri 02-Sep-11 00:49:21

LeBOF - Nothing that I can pin point but I do that we had possibley grown too far apart way before my wedding. Our circumstances changed and we both seemed to enjoy different things. This is the main reason why I was wary about letting her organise things - I know now that I should have thought more about this before agreeing to let her do it. It is just how she has responded to what i did. i just thought she would understand, as I wouldn't want her doing something that she didnt want to do.

AuntiePickleBottom Fri 02-Sep-11 00:51:14

ok pre DH was it things you liked to do, but no longer like doing

MrsRupertBear Fri 02-Sep-11 00:54:17

Annie - On reflection, I think i just asked her because mmmm duty blush. We were friends through our teens and twenties and always said we would be each others bridesmaid. We just drifted apart past 5 years. I have got two kids and married, she works all hours and parties hard.

sunshine - sorry for the post being a bit of a struggle to read. i am half a sleep and just waffling on in places!

GwendolineMaryLacey Fri 02-Sep-11 00:55:13

I can't comment. My chief bridesmaid dumped me because I told her I didn't want her to wear a short cocktail type dress. She was my best friend, fine one minute, angry voicemail left on my phone the next. Didn't see her for 10 years after that. Met up again and were civil but the friendship was over. Never did find out what it was really about. People are very very strange sometimes.

MrsRupertBear Fri 02-Sep-11 00:59:18

Much of it is no longer. She still likes to do much of what we did at 16. I am no means boring but choose to do things a little differently now. I wanted to do something like a shopping/spa/city break with a meal and drinks into the early hours, where as she had planned for me to do afternoon singing/dance making DVD, ice-skating and strip club in a dodgy typical hen/stag resort.

MrsRupertBear Fri 02-Sep-11 01:00:39

Sorry my last post was in response to Aunties question...

randommoment Fri 02-Sep-11 01:09:09

YANBU. Lots of us had best mates in our salad years who we promised undying friendship, being each other's bridesmaids etc. I look back on the person I used to be before mummyhood took over, and I only half recognise her. Some of those old friends are still friends, but I ran into a few of the others a while ago at a funeral, and we don't really have much in common anymore. You kept a promise made years ago when you asked her to be the bridesmaid, and it's her who's BU forgetting whose benefit the hen night's for.

iscream Fri 02-Sep-11 01:11:38

You were not unreasonable in the least. She is a very bad sport, and seemed to think it was about her idea of fun, not yours.
She should have accepted the change gracefully, and throw herself into making a wonderful spa shopping week-end, but she didn't.

Don't feel guilty Mrs, you did not do anything wrong.

SouthernFriedTofu Fri 02-Sep-11 03:23:26

If she didn't have a clue that you would hate her idea (and you other friends did) that's kind of all you need to know you guys just aren't that close and she sounds pretty nasty I would nip this friendship in the bud.

Just because you are friends with someone for 20 years doesn't mean you have to be for 20 more

ShoutyHamster Fri 02-Sep-11 07:37:58

Her job as your chief bridesmaid was to make your hen do and wedding as fun and stress-free as possible, y'know, like a best mate would.

She sounds a precious moody nightmare.

Sorry but I'd just leave the 'friendship' right there. What was important to her wasn't you on your special day etc.... but HER. I think you handled it pretty well in that you clearly kept talking to her, she clearly still has a problem... She's just not the mate you thought she was.

ZillionChocolate Fri 02-Sep-11 07:55:51

YWBU choosing a bridesmaid you're not that close to and giving her free reign over the hen do then rejecting it. SIBU causing such a fuss even now. It doesn't sound like you have much in common apart from the past.

marriedinwhite Fri 02-Sep-11 08:00:40

She should have accepted the advice of the other bridesmaids and you shoudl never have known anything about her proposals. That's what a true friend would have done.

Robotindisguise Fri 02-Sep-11 08:06:53

Her pride was hurt, that's the long and short of it.

LydiaWickham Fri 02-Sep-11 08:09:20

YANBU - I took over organising my own hen do when the phrase "pink stretch limo and matching t-shirts" was mentioned. (I booked a spa break and said she could buy all the L plates she wanted, I'd not be wearing them).

I think I did a similar thing, I had my oldest friend as my bridesmaid but looking back, she wasn't my closest even then.

If she can't put this behind her and realise your hen do is about you and not about her, then I'd argue that it's not worth keeping the friendship just because of your history.

LoveBeingIgnoredByMardyBra Fri 02-Sep-11 08:14:47

It's all about her, you need to move on from the friendship.

pjmama Fri 02-Sep-11 08:17:41

She sounds like an immature, self centred, pain in the arse drama queen. She made a mistake, ok so perhaps she's a bit embarrassed that she got it so far off the mark, but now she's just sulking about it and trying to make you feel bad deliberately. You've apologised for not liking her ideas, if she'snot grown up enough to realise it was never all about her, then I don't think she's much of a loss as a friend. Is she jealous because you've got married before her?

redheadbedhead Fri 02-Sep-11 08:24:14

i didn't have a hen night for precisely these reasons.

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