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To dread my pil visiting for the birth

(110 Posts)
veryworriedme Thu 01-Sep-11 17:01:26

i think I already know I am but it is a question of how much. I am due to give birth in a few weeks and my pil are travelling from NZ to stay with us for a month from a few days before my due date. My mil visited before when my ds was 5 months but my fil has never met him and he is now 18m. I have been terrible about refusing to travel to NZ (partly because last time I got a dvt but also because of being a wimp about doing it with ds) and so they are forced to come here. We have a 2 bed house so dh, the newborn and me will sleep on the sofa bed in the sitting room so we don't disturb them in the night. I think what I am worrying about though is how I will be in those few weeks after birth. Last time I found breastfeeding a nightmare (ds was a bit premature) and spent my whole time weeping with a boob out. The only way I coped was by having 4 hrs sleep solid by sleeping in the spare room which I won't be able to do this time. My pil are very sweet people but they are not very independent and so likely to be in the house all day and I don't know them well enough to be comfortable being a mess in front of them. I suggested to my dh that they stay in a local hotel for a week to let us get ourselves together but he was v hurt. Am I being selfish? Or worrying over nothing as maybe it is easier second time round.....

ThePosieParker Thu 01-Sep-11 17:03:33

What????? Can't you find them somewhere cheap to stay?

There's no way I would have people staying in a tiny house around the birth of my second child. That's the sort of thing divorce's are made of!!

eaglewings Thu 01-Sep-11 17:03:54

They need to stay in a hotel or at a friends house. YANBU

uberalice Thu 01-Sep-11 17:06:52

You are not being selfish at all. Try and talk to your DH again - it's really important for your wellbeing and sanity that you have a bit of space and can relax when your baby arrives.

kingprawntikka Thu 01-Sep-11 17:07:36

YANBU. There is no way you should be giving up your bed/ berroom when you are heavily pregnant /with a new born. I wouldn't give up my bed for anyone. They should be on the sofa bed. .. or in a B and B down the road. Is your husband going to cook / clean /entertain them for the month?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Thu 01-Sep-11 17:08:06

YANBU Remind you DH what it was like last time and ask him if his DP would like to see you sitting there with a boob out.

RedOnion Thu 01-Sep-11 17:08:18

Your husband is being shockingly selfish. The inlaws need to stay at a hotel NOT with you. Im quite angry at your H on your behalf, you already had a stressful time the first time around and now he wants you to go through a potentially identical situation but this time with an audience?

Would HAVE to put my foot down here OP.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 Thu 01-Sep-11 17:09:39

You need sleep and your boob out. You don't need a sofa bed or any discomfort. This is your time, not theirs.

You are already talking about sacrifices in your own life and worrying about disturbing them. To heck with that....

It doesn't matter how nice and considerate visitors are, they are still putting you in a position where you can't relax.

Find a house for them to rent nearby for 4 weeks, or negotiate a rate on a hotel.

Can they stay with your parents perhaps - and you visit them????

slowshow Thu 01-Sep-11 17:15:34

Oh my god. YANBU.

I'm due in two weeks and the very idea of my in laws staying in our two bedroom house, forcing me to sleep downstairs and establish breastfeeding with them watching day in, day out, makes me want to weep!

I know they're travelling a long way, but it's madness to have them staying with you for so long.

Purplegirlie Thu 01-Sep-11 17:16:31

I agree with the others, it isn't fair on you that they stay with you at that time. Your husband is being unreasonable too not seeing it from your point of view

PinkFondantFancy Thu 01-Sep-11 17:17:26

I agree with what the others said - no way can you sleep on a sofabed for 4 weeks. Also, surely having them hanging around the house for that long will impact on the way that you and DH can bond with your baby?? YANBU - your DH is definitely being unreasonable though.

tralalala Thu 01-Sep-11 17:18:01

yanddddnu. no way. put your foot down a month is crazy.

ShoutyHamster Thu 01-Sep-11 17:18:53



You will be on the sofa for weeks WITH YOUR NEWBORN, AND YOUR OTHER CHILD, AND YOUR DH so visitors can have your bed??????

shock angry shock

Your DH needs a new one ripped, pronto. B&B for them. You need your privacy, your space, a place to go and hide. He is jeopardising your routine, your breastfeeding, a positive start to your new baby's life. Absolutely FUCKING unacceptable and I would be packing a bag right now unless I got this sorted before they arrive.

As Binfull says - this is YOUR time, and the baby's time. He should be ashamed of himself.

Moulesfrites Thu 01-Sep-11 17:19:07

No way! My pil stayed the night ds and I got home from hospital and I am still recovering 7m later. Does your dh honestly expect you to sleep on the sofa bed?!

porcamiseria Thu 01-Sep-11 17:20:46

Oh dear....have tickets been booked???

ShoutyHamster Thu 01-Sep-11 17:21:58

Actually, there is no way I'd agree to them coming over AT ALL until a good few weeks after the due date. So your DH is planning to spend your last couple of weeks as a family of three looking after his parents? At the time when you are heavily pregnant and need his help too? Then they're going to be looking over your shoulder through the birth and its aftermath - oh, FANTASTIC way to provide a stress-free, non-PND start to things. Then your first weeks- not as a family of four but (again) with your DH taken up with having to look out for his parents too.

He really has it all wrong. I'd be UTTERLY disappointed if this was my husband - and would be making plans to have my birth elsewhere, to be honest.

porcamiseria Thu 01-Sep-11 17:22:11

and whatever happens


and think about having them in B&B maybe for the first week, use the ecuse that baby will be screaming


LineRunner Thu 01-Sep-11 17:22:20

Are your PiL aware of these proposed arrangements?

If they are, and have agreed to them, then they aren't worth much.

Sleeping on a sofa bed with a newborn, while they have your room? And you call them 'sweet'???!

veryworriedme Thu 01-Sep-11 17:24:08

I don't think I have given a very balanced presentation! My dh is really hands on and will do anything to make my life easier, very selfless, it's just that I think he feels his parents would be hurt not to stay with us ....
Altho 2 bed, our house is not tiny - the sitting room is big and it means we won't disturb ds too. Don't see anyway of privacy tho - that whole nightmare of having to be full dressed at all times. Also, they had just booked flights to come in august whe. I found out was pregnant. So I was the one that wanted them to change flights as I didn't want my dh to take time off as then he would not have paternity my own fault. I am finding myself wanting number 2 to be premature just so can have some weeks on our own which is just daft. I just wouldn't know how to say to them that they were not wanted in the house for a week. I think it might damage our relationship.

shakey1500 Thu 01-Sep-11 17:26:12

YANBU for all the reasons other posters have mentioned. Hotel for them definitely.

It was bad enough when I had an 8 strong audience for when I gave ds his first bath and it was videoed as well. After a very traumatic birth I was a complete mess, first child, not a clue what I was doing, not strong enough/all over the place to say "Errr hang on- NO".

I've seen the video since and want to weep for myself back then.

Be strong and tell your dh, no way that this is happening.

Eglu Thu 01-Sep-11 17:26:32

That sounds like a recipe for pnd to me. You should not be on a sofabed heavily pg or just given birth. I can't imagine your mw would be impressed either.

PinkFondantFancy Thu 01-Sep-11 17:27:03

OP why not explain to them that you have a 2 bed house and that they are welcome to stay but it will have to be on the sofabed. I would have thought that the prospect of a month on a sofabed will help them draw their own conclusion that they need to find somewhere else to stay - problem sorted.

OhdearNigel Thu 01-Sep-11 17:27:21

WTF ! YOU are having to sleep on a sofa bed having just given birth, with a new born baby !!!

NO NO NO NO NO AND MORE NO !!!!!!!! It is absolutely outrageous that you are even thinking about this and frankly, if you are staying with a family that have a newborn baby you expect disturbed nights. If they want 10 solid hours of sleep then they can stay in a B&B

Are you so much of a doormat that you will even take being turfed out of your own bed when you have just given birth ?

theidsalright Thu 01-Sep-11 17:30:38

your scenario sounds like my worst nightmare.


I think you and your husband need to sit down and talk about this very soon.

PinkFondantFancy Thu 01-Sep-11 17:31:08

The more I think about this, the more angry I become. How on earth could they possibly accept your bed, knowing that they are turfing a heavily pregnant woman / new mum onto a sofa bed??! I think it's bad enough that they are coming to stay for a month....

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