Newbie - Deciding whether to have kids

[Ambivalence]

Hello everyone, I am new, please be kind.

I am currently 34 and single so not in a position to have children. The only long term relationship i have had ( of 6 years) which was stable enough to have kids, we broke up when I was 25 and had just qualified as a solicitor, at the time I didn't feel emotionally mature enoough for kids.

I am now 34 and single - my 3 sisters - all professionals in their 30s are all single too, I think that my parents marriage was not happy and the stress on my mum raising so many kids has a lot to do with this - 2 of my sisters are in therapy and a major issue in their therapy is why they run away from romantic relationships.

Since my ex and I broke up (7 YEARS AGO!!! You'd think I'd be over it), I have been single.

I realise if I want to have kids ( and I am not keen on being a single mum, for various reasons - mainly all the single mums I know say it is too much for one person to take on) and a marriage I need to deal with my issues with men, and also, whether kids bring happiness or not - the mothers I know don't seem very happy.

I know that most of the posters on this forum have or want to have children - but as many of you might have had the same dillemas - does anyone know any web forums, books etc dealing with these issues?

many thanks in advance

[CheshireDing]

OP I think the children thing should be way down your list. It's not the be all and end all IMO.

I was single forever (well it felt like that at the time), I reckon it was easily years because I am fussy. I am now married and due to have our first baby in 6 weeks but if DH didn't want children then that would have been fine and we would have enjoyed being together as a couple. There are only 2 sets of our friends who have a baby/are pregnant and we are all in our 30's, some are still single too and it seems the norm these days.

I would never want to be a single parent because it looks bloody hard work, at least if there are 2 of you you can get a break at some point by the other person looking after the child.

Surely you have to already be in a happy relationship before having a child, the child will not bring happiness, isn't there some kind of phrase about "plaster babies" or something?

I cannot recommend any books but suggest you concentrate on you and making yourself/current situation happy. Maybe join a dating website?

[NorthLondonDoulas]

Hiya,

Being a single mum IS hard work (i was a single mum of 2 for 6 years) however i am now happily married with an additional 2 little ones and trust me thats still hard work too lol!!!

Having a baby at any age regardless of your situation and circumstances is and always will be hard work - the clue is in the term for your child first appearing in the world "LABOUR" ! lol and many of your friends may look unhappy, run down and tired from being parents. we all have days that test our patience and are challenging and seem to never end but all those moments are made worth it when your baby/child smiles, giggles, says something funny, tells you they love you etc!

Obviously its not something that you should rush into right now as you have other things that you have to overcome and would like first, but i definitly think its a good thing that you are 'thinking' about your future now as sadly womens biological clocks tick alot faster than men's - see how the next couple of years go in your personal life and if you decide that you would like children but the time is still not quite right you could maybe consider having some of your eggs frozen so when the time is right if you have trouble conceiving naturally you have a back up plan.

Good luck and i hope things work out however you would like them to in your future.

Victoria.x

[ZonkedOut]

If it helps any, was single at 34, I met my DH that year, and now at 41 have 2 beautiful girls.

Being a Mum at this age is hard work, but definitely worth it. They do bring happiness along with the tiredness! When my 2 year old looks at something mundane (like a pair of curtains) and says "It's really beautiful, Mummy" it makes me smile. Or when the baby just smiles one of her huge all-of-the-face smiles at me.

So, you still have time! Work on your issues, and try not to be too desperate, but the question about children doesn't have to have an answer right away, it can wait until you meet the right guy.

[RobinSure]

I'd say don't bother. Get a dog. So much more fun.

[RobinSure]

Also possibly of interest:
www.chp.edu/CHP/P02481

[HPonEverything]

Friend of mine was in exactly the same position as you, same age, issues with men but very grounded and intelligent etc. She resolved it by just dating any old random bloke and deliberately getting pregnant, he treated her like total $$$$ and she'd have been better off as a single parent. She regrets it now (though doesn't regret her DD obviously) because she's always tied to this loser through the child.

Not that you're planning on having children any time soon, but if you do change your mind then my advice is go to a donor bank, not just some random loser dude.

I'm also 34 and I know sooooo many people our age who aren't even dating never mind thinking of marriage or children - it's much more normal these days to leave it later (I could not get my parents to understand this when they were badgering me about leaving it too late). I totally get your anxiety though. Good luck!

[Ambivalence]

Thanks very much for the replies. I think this has confirmed what I have been thinking for a couple of years = which is that I should freeze my eggs - which will be my 35th birthday present to myself...