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To begin to hate my DH? Warning long post!

(47 Posts)
littlepiglet Wed 31-Aug-11 12:53:17

I'm pregnant so it could be hormones (though I'm sure it's not).

I just feel so crap about myself, and a lot of it is his doing.

We've been married 22 months, and whilst at first it was great, the passion seems to have worn off, to such an extent that I just don't see any point to us.

We have a 14 month old (as well as the forthcoming baby), and I know that it's unreasonable to expect things to remain as charged & exciting as the beginning, but I didn't expect it to fade to indifference.

I've been really tired, so I take some blame (was severely anaemic, which I'd already guessed), but still, I do have desires.

I've talked to him time & again, telling him I need to come to bed earlier, telling him I want a bit of spontaneity, but still he comes to bed after midnight, and tries a few furtive caresses, when I'm just not in the mood anymore.

I've tried seducing him. It worked two weeks ago, when he agreed to pause viewing a programme & come upstairs - and it felt great. But he never returns the compliment, and to be honest I feel so damn hideous that I don't want to try anymore... in fact I now tthink I'm trying to avoid sex, as it feels clumsy, awkward, like he's just doing it because he's horny, not because he's into me, and that makes me feel like shit.

I've told him so many times that I miss him reaching for my hand when we're in the car, to which he just replies that I could reach for his - so I do, but on days I don't he still doesn't reach for mine.

I'll be perfectly honest, if I wasn't pregnant, and if some bloke I found attractive propositioned me, I think I may accept, I can't live a life of companionship and boring, late night sex... I just can't. And sadly, in about two months, sex will be off the agenda for quite a while, and I don't want us to drift further apart.

Last night I went up to bed, and hoped he'd come - nope, instead he came up after having "a quick fag" which turned into 45 minutes, so I was asleep... I then woke to find him watching porn.

I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every night. I'm pissed off that he accepts blowjobs, but won't go down on me (even though he used to profess how much he loved it).

He used to have a fuck buddy before we met, and I honestly don't know how she differed to me; all we do is live in the same house & occasionally have a crap shag!

mummymccar Wed 31-Aug-11 13:10:30

I understand that sex is an important part of your marriage, but it sounds to me that you are missing the point - sex isn't the only thing that is important. Could it be that your DH thinks you only want him for sex? I'm pregnant too and I know how awkward it is and how ugly you feel every day, sex is a great way to make me feel better about myself, but I'm a little shocked that you said:

'I'll be perfectly honest, if I wasn't pregnant, and if some bloke I found attractive propositioned me, I think I may accept, I can't live a life of companionship and boring, late night sex...'

I think that there is a deeper problem here that you need to address.

buzzsorekillington Wed 31-Aug-11 13:17:48

It does sound pretty dire. It's awful to feel rejected by your partner.

I think I'd take blowjobs off the agenda for a start.

You might want to post this to the relationships board?

Nagoo Wed 31-Aug-11 13:22:07

My DH wouldn't come near me when I was PG with number 2. DC1 he was fine, so I didn't see the excuse, but there you go. I used to cry too. sad

He went back to normal after the baby was born, but I was still cross for quite a while.

It is worse if you want it when you are PG, as you really want it. sad

You need to talk to him again.

And get a vibrator you can use hen he's on 45 minute fag breaks

littlepiglet Wed 31-Aug-11 13:31:33

mummymccar it might sound awful that I said that, but you seem to think my only problem is sex.

I stated that he no longer holds my hand, or does anything affectionate, it's like I'm just a housemate, and to be honest, I don't really care if it offends anyone, but I do not want to live with that... I want/need some romance, some affection, anything to mark out that it is a special relationship, because right now I could be anyone living in the house, and I'm not special to him.

I would seriously consider another offer, not because I don't love DH - I do, very, very much. I also fancy him, and go up randomly to him, and kiss him, hug him etc, but he never does the same to me, so I just have given up, I am so hurt, I'm crying typing thist.

It's not all about sex, but when the sex is just non-existent then it's a HUGE problem, after all if he really fancied me he would want me, and it's so bloody obvious that he doesn't.

I've always felt slightly awkward around sex with him... it was fantastic in the beginning, but then he tells me of things that he did with his ex wife, and I feel so prudish by comparison.

He and his ex had threesomes & (I know this IU), i can't get the image out of my head, that he supposedly loved his wife, yet shagged her friend in front of her, I guess I now don't trust him around my friends... in fact he asked me which of two particular friends of mine, if they were laying naked & asking me to lick them, I'd choose... I felt sick when he said that, and I guess that that thought excites him, yet I don't...

When we go to town together he always walks behind me, never with me, he claims this is because there is no room, yet other couples walk side-by-side, my thoughts are that he doesn't want to be seen with me... heck he doesn't even wear his wedding ring anymore, allegedly because it's too small, though it's been sized up twice

MrGin Wed 31-Aug-11 13:55:31


there are some points in there that I've had experience of from the male side.

my now XP and I weren't married so it's not quite the same. but...

When my XP became pregnant I lost the desire for sex. I'd read all her mother and baby magazines and frequently seen articles about how to have sex when pregnant, how good it was, etc etc. Nothing about how to deal with a disappearing libido from the male side. I felt very guilty and ended up as a very accommodating friend, which upset her even more.

Subsequently I've found that it isn't that uncommon for men to find sex awkward during / after pregnancy. My XP still doesn't forgive me for it. She was gagging for it, I couldn't reciprocate and slowly the small acts of affection started receding as I worried they'd lead to sex which I wasn't into.

Come the baby, I started noticing the connections between sex and babies. Sucking breasts, finger in mouth, feeding food into another's mouth etc etc. All these previously sexy things were in fact all connected to infancy. I think too much, and I work in a creative field, so my mind just went off on one really. I couldn't separate the sex from the baby.

Another, male, friend of mine recently discussed how once you've procreated as a man, you've essentially fulfilled your life's purpose in genetic terms.

I would think, especially as your DH is watching porn ( no babies there ! ) he has a problem here. I've seen other similar threads to this, and a common feature is ' my DH has / had a very high sex drive.' And that usually means lots of sex with no thoughts of babies.

What eventually changed my non-sex attitude was when my XP had an affair. I couldn't blame her, it was over from then, but suddenly I saw her as a sexual being again, all be it too late.

I don't have any suggestions, I hope you work it out. I'd have a fit though if I was married and my spouse took off her wedding ring.....

didyouseewhatshedid Wed 31-Aug-11 14:01:41

The whole having sex when pregnent thing is quite gross to a lot of men and there's no getting around that.

mayorquimby Wed 31-Aug-11 14:16:36

"and tries a few furtive caresses, when I'm just not in the mood anymore.

I've tried seducing him. It worked two weeks ago, when he agreed to pause viewing a programme & come upstairs - and it felt great. But he never returns the compliment,"

Could be that you're just experiencing some crossed wires. You say you seduce him,try etc. and he doesn't return the compliment but he may very well be trying, however it's not in a way that you respond to so you're not in the mood.
You both feel rejected. You say you no longer feel like making the effort etc. when he may very well feel the same if the late night rebuffs have come once too often.
You say it's not just sex and that he's not making an effort, yet he may well be picking up the vibes that you'd seriously consider other offers which is unlikely to make him feel great about himself either. SO you could both feel you're eacht he ones making the effortt, both feel you're being rejected and both end up feeling crap about yourselves and like there's no point in trying again only to get the same result.
TBH there's not enough info been given and probably not enough expertise on the part of the respondents to deal with this on here, you'd be best off talking to a professional.

littlepiglet Wed 31-Aug-11 14:23:06

MrGin thanks, it's nice to have a male perspective. That said, it hasn't been any consolation, in fact it confirms what I already suspected.

As mean & unfair as it may sound, I'm not prepared to wait until he realises I'm a sexual being again. It makes me feel like shit, and it is his problem... us women have enough to contend with being pregnant - swollen ankles, back pain, stretch marks, saggy boobs, mood swings, varicose veins, weight gain. Some of them are permanent, and we wear battle scars, that we gained for our children (I also have a caesarean scar, complete with overhang & permanently numb tummy).

I can see that it's not a list that makes us sexy to men (and I completely take your point didyouseewhatshedid), but neither is it fair for the men who supposedly love us to shun our attentions, and see us as less than the air-brushed, silicone boobed, over-bleached women in porn, my body is carrying his child ffs, why should he lust after other women, just because pregnancy is unpalatable to him.

I'm sorry for what happened to you MrGin, but as I said I would take up an offer myself, and am not prepared to wait for my hubby to have any libido for me, he can keep his porn & ogle other women, but I really feel like walking away & taking the kids with me, as it's eroding my confidence

AfternoonDelight Wed 31-Aug-11 14:27:03

Has it not occurred to you that when you want to earlier at night at that point in time he isn't in the mood. Just like you aren't in the mood when he wants to later.

It sounds like he is trying to seduce you at night but you are rejecting him then saying he isn't trying.

littlepiglet Wed 31-Aug-11 14:28:21

Good points mayorquimby, I guess though that he hurt me a lot when pregnant last year, and I found photos of his penis on his camera. The explanation was that he was horny and he meant to send them to me, but he never. And I have never let it go. I honestly believe that he sent them (there were about 20 in total, flaccid & erect), to someone else. Of course he denies it, I can't prove it either way, and therefore he's not been caught doing something wrong; but it hurt like hell to see photos of his penis, taken when I was in hospital having DD.

He admits he hates performing cunninglus at the moment as he says it's "disgusting". However, he still brought up about me licking two of my friends!

littlepiglet Wed 31-Aug-11 14:29:45

I could agree - but he goes to bed after 1am - I'm the one who has to get up with DD, he lies in! Why should I be woken and have 5 hours sleep? And how many people are in the mood if they're woken into their sleep???

MrGin Wed 31-Aug-11 14:42:20

littlepiglet. there are some fairly loud alarm bells ringing from reading your posts.

Having pictures of his penis on his phone.... there's not a lot of room for doubt about what that's all about.

littlepiglet Wed 31-Aug-11 14:44:25

MrGin thank you, thank you, thank you. I've struggled with DH persuading my friends that I was just being paranoid, I'm glad to have some validation to my suspicions

buzzsorekillington Wed 31-Aug-11 14:45:32

It's not unreasonable not to be in the mood so late at night, having been woken. I think that he's just trying it on when he comes to bed suggests it's just about scratching an itch for him rather than about having mutually enjoyable sex, and the fact he's been caught taking photos of his cock to send to god knows who, suggests he's at least looking elsewhere.

You might want to consider relationship counselling or something to see where you go from here.

Malificence Wed 31-Aug-11 14:52:11

I'm not surprised you hate this man, he sounds like a self absorbed, self enititled prick to be blunt.
He's hurting you and he doesn't care.
Only complete arseholes of men who have issues go off sex with a pregnant partner, it's not normal and it's certainly not healthy in an emotional sense. Emotionally mature men don't have these kind of issues, they aren't threatened by their wife's pregnant body for one thing.
It doesn't suprise me in the least that he's into threesomes, I bet if you turned tables and said you'd like a MMF threesome he would turn three shades of purple and be disgusted.
Sorry LP, you would be so much better off without this loser.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 31-Aug-11 14:53:52

You sound very angry.

Can you suggest you have a meal together tonight and talk honestly and openly about how you are feeling, what you are unhappy about, what you want and what you think you need to do to achieve it. Then ask him how he feels and what he wants and then listen.

garlicnutter Wed 31-Aug-11 14:55:02

mrGin, I really appreciated your from-the-inside view of the madonna/whore problem. It's interesting that you have managed to identify what so many women know, but men usually deny. I hope your desires will be more inclusive (not the right word, but still) if you find yourself 'pregnant' again smile

piglet, your husband sounds like a bit of an arse. I am sorry - but I'm just not in the mood to be gentle with your feelings today. It's horrid to be newly married, pregnant, and to find out your partner sees women as penis receptacles. Not as horrid as facing it after 22 years, though ... how are you fixed for sensible support in real life?

Malificence Wed 31-Aug-11 14:56:36

This really should be in relationships you know - better advice from people who've been there, AIBU is notoriously bad for serious issues like this.

SnakeOnCrack Wed 31-Aug-11 14:58:03

Have you posted about this before? There was another post about someone finding photos of their partners penis on their phone.

Either way, you have my sympathies. I'm heavily pregnant and have had a bit of a job of getting my fiancé to initiate sex (2nd pregnancy). He's still affectionate day to day though but I know without this I'd feel awful.

I think there's other stuff at work here though, rather than him just not being up for it because you're pregnant. The asking you about licking your friends and that sort of thing isn't on.. nor is watching porn right next to you. You need to sit down with him and discuss all of this properly.

mummymccar Wed 31-Aug-11 15:00:01

littlepiglet - From your original post I did get the impression that sex was the only concern you had but reading your other posts I can see that I was wrong so I'm sorry for my first post and I hope that I didn't upset you, that certainly wasn't my intention. As I said in my last post I'm pregnant too and also being ignored sexually, though I didn't realise from your first post how bad the problem is on your side, I think I was seeing things from my own black and white perspective which was wrong.
I think that MrGin made some good points & it is very interesting to read this from the male perspective.
I do think though that if he is taking off his wedding ring that there may be something other than sex going on here. Taking off his wedding ring sends a very strong message whether he means it to or not. Did he volunteer the information that it was getting too small or did he wait for you to notice it?
The issue about his ex - has this always bothered you as much as it does now or has something he has said or done recently brought it to the forefront of your mind? (Don't mean to pry, I just think we need a bit more information)

Ormirian Wed 31-Aug-11 15:02:45

The willy pics would have me running for the hills TBH regardless of the other issues!

Malificence Wed 31-Aug-11 15:04:41

Exactly, what kind of sad git takes pictures of his knob? hmm

eurochick Wed 31-Aug-11 15:06:32

It sounds like there is fault on both sides to me. You come on to him when he is not in the mood, he does the same to you when you are not in the mood and neither of you is willing to just do it to make the other happy. I think that sometimes in a marriage both parties should sometimes do it when not 100% up for it to be close to your spouse and make them happy. Because if you wait for a time when you are both 100% in the mood AND not at work/in the supermarket/visiting parents AND your child is asleep it will never happen and you will both miss the closeness. And I find that even if you start of not in the mood sometimes (but not always) you end up getting into it.

The penis photos on the phone is the main thing that would worry me about all this. he was obviously having at least a text flirtation with someone else and maybe more.

Alibabaandthe80nappies Wed 31-Aug-11 15:09:46

Littlepiglet - are you sure you want to post so much detail? You can't be too careful with how much you share online.

I am really sorry for your situation, it sounds a mess. Hope you can resolve things one way or the other.

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