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AIBU to think I am just wasting my time, energy and emotion with this girl?

(63 Posts)
SayCoolNowSayWhip Wed 31-Aug-11 10:34:47

Long story I’m afraid so bear with me – probably just need to get it off my chest tbh. Had been “best friends” <cringe> with this girl for about 6 or 7 years. She’s always been quite emotional and needy but on the flip side was very generous with her time and emotions and very supportive during a lot of crises – which was reciprocated by me. About 3 years ago she and her boyfriend broke up and she accused me of having an affair with him. This was not true. I had become friendly with him and he had become quite overfriendly with me, to the point of texting me and asking me out for drinks etc. Nothing ever happened with him; I was not attracted to him and although he pursued me quite vigorously, it never came to anything. The pursuing happened after he had broken up with her and although I have to admit I was flattered by the attention, I never ever let anything happen. She refused to believe this because a mutual friend of her and her ex stirred things up, saying that something had. We spent a few months not talking, but eventually had a big conversation about it and moved on. Fast forward to a year or so ago. I became unexpectedly pregnant. From the moment I told her about it, she became distant and unresponsive. Later she blamed this on me, saying that I blew hot and cold throughout our entire friendship which she was constantly forgiving me for, and that I was not supportive of her when she was moving house, which happened to coincide with me discovering my pregnancy. This culminated in some pretty horrific text messages from her telling me that I was full of poison, she’d never trusted me and to fuck off out of her life. I was 2 months pregnant, very sick and full of hormones. You can imagine how this made me feel. Luckily I had a wonderful supportive DP (now DH) but because of this girl, ended up with no friends as she pretty much guilt tripped most of our mutual friends into no longer being friendly with me. A few months ago another mutual friend started talking to me again and admitted that they had both been jealous of my pregnancy and that was probably the reason this girl was being like she was. I have seen the girl on a number of occasions since all this happened and she has completely ignored me, to the point where both my DH and I have said hello very politely and she has literally turned her back on us. The last time this happened was this past weekend, and I confronted her about it, saying “Seriously, are you not even going to say hello?” It took me several tries before she even acknowledged it, upon which she whirled on me and snapped, “When you can admit what you’ve done and apologise for it, then we’ll talk.” And stomped off. She has it in her head that all those years ago I did something with this exboyfriend of hers (who is now married to someone completely different) and that I need to face up to it and apologise. How can I apologise for something I haven’t done? I accept that our friendship is over but don’t understand why she can’t at least be civil and acknowledge me. AIBU to expect her to do this? So sorry this is so long, but thanks for reading this far! Also, please be gentle as this is my first AIBU post. <Runs to get flameproof jacket, just in case>

cheekeymonkey Wed 31-Aug-11 10:36:23

Sorry, cannot read this withour paragraphs.

issey6cats Wed 31-Aug-11 10:38:36

just move on forget this toxic person, if you did become friends again she would only find another weak excuse to treat you badly at the end of the day you have a DH and a child who love you ashes not worth wasting energy on

worraliberty Wed 31-Aug-11 10:40:17

I got a few lines in and had to give up....sorry sad

ImeldaM Wed 31-Aug-11 10:41:59

Don't bother with her any more, she is not worth being friends with. Focus on friends you do have.

If you find it really hard to 'ignore' her then a quick smile, even if not reciprocated will at least mean you are not stooping to her level.

(Found hard to read without paragraphs too, not a criticism, just preview before post then you can check how it looks/reads)

BurningBridges Wed 31-Aug-11 10:43:50

Have read whole thing. Leave it. Forget her. Get on with your life and your family.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Wed 31-Aug-11 10:44:32

Sorry - should have put paragraphs in. Well done anyone who read the whole thing!

<Embarrassed>

Do you suppose MNHQ will be kind and let me insert paragraphs??

littlemisssarcastic Wed 31-Aug-11 10:44:43

Do you bump into her often?
Do you have any mutual friends left, apart from the one who started talking to you a few months ago?

SiamoFottuti Wed 31-Aug-11 10:45:02

Paragraphs.

Woman, not girl.

and finally,

grow up, you don't live in a soap opera.

HattiFattner Wed 31-Aug-11 10:45:40

you have offered an olive branch, its been rejected - leave it now. You have lived your life happily without her for years, you do not need her, and she is still banging a victim drum. Clearly her life has not measured up to her expectations, but thats not your problem.

She clearly said she didnt want you in her life, so take her at her word.

AMumInScotland Wed 31-Aug-11 10:45:49

This girl has her own version of what happened in her head, and in that version you were unfair to her - I don't think there's anything you can do to get her to recognise that she has spent years blaming you for something that wasn't true. People just don't want to change their opinions like that.

Just pay no attention to her - say hello when you pass her if you want, but don't expect anything back from her.

We all want people to like us, or at least be fair to us, but sometimes you just don't get that. No point being upset or wasting time wishing for something that just won't happen.

DraculasMum Wed 31-Aug-11 10:47:14

Ok, as its your first post please next time put gaps between it so its easier to read.

I think your 'friend' has got some issues, she obviously feels betrayed for one reason or another. Maybe she feels by you becoming friends with her ex you some how instigated the break up between them now she looks for a reason or excuse as to why it happened. I can't say I would be pleased if a friend of mine became friendly with my p outside of our own friendship.

When you became pregnant and she went all crazy lady on you did you ask her why? Could she of been having problems conceiving and then felt more resentment towards you?

There are no excuses regarding the way she has treated you, I have also been on the receiving end of this behaviour quite recently there is always a reason or underlying issue which has caused it which maybe cannot be seen.

Maybe you need to move on and just ignore her, by trying to force her to speak to you will just cause you more upset.

Regarding other 'friends' she turned against you. They were obviously not true friends if they are persuaded so easily as to take sides.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Wed 31-Aug-11 10:47:18

I agree Siamo. I know how it reads. I don't want to live in a soap opera. Thanks for all the quick replies. I will just forget her and move on.

It was quite cathartic getting it all out anyway. Thanks all.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Wed 31-Aug-11 10:48:47

And I'm sorry about the paragraphs! I do usually put them in. Kind of went off on a typing spree.....

pictish Wed 31-Aug-11 10:48:48

Long story I’m afraid so bear with me – probably just need to get it off my chest tbh. Had been “best friends” <cringe> with this girl for about 6 or 7 years. She’s always been quite emotional and needy but on the flip side was very generous with her time and emotions and very supportive during a lot of crises – which was reciprocated by me.
About 3 years ago she and her boyfriend broke up and she accused me of having an affair with him. This was not true. I had become friendly with him and he had become quite overfriendly with me, to the point of texting me and asking me out for drinks etc. Nothing ever happened with him; I was not attracted to him and although he pursued me quite vigorously, it never came to anything. The pursuing happened after he had broken up with her and although I have to admit I was flattered by the attention, I never ever let anything happen.
She refused to believe this because a mutual friend of her and her ex stirred things up, saying that something had. We spent a few months not talking, but eventually had a big conversation about it and moved on. Fast forward to a year or so ago. I became unexpectedly pregnant. From the moment I told her about it, she became distant and unresponsive. Later she blamed this on me, saying that I blew hot and cold throughout our entire friendship which she was constantly forgiving me for, and that I was not supportive of her when she was moving house, which happened to coincide with me discovering my pregnancy.
This culminated in some pretty horrific text messages from her telling me that I was full of poison, she’d never trusted me and to fuck off out of her life. I was 2 months pregnant, very sick and full of hormones. You can imagine how this made me feel. Luckily I had a wonderful supportive DP (now DH) but because of this girl, ended up with no friends as she pretty much guilt tripped most of our mutual friends into no longer being friendly with me.
A few months ago another mutual friend started talking to me again and admitted that they had both been jealous of my pregnancy and that was probably the reason this girl was being like she was. I have seen the girl on a number of occasions since all this happened and she has completely ignored me, to the point where both my DH and I have said hello very politely and she has literally turned her back on us.
The last time this happened was this past weekend, and I confronted her about it, saying “Seriously, are you not even going to say hello?” It took me several tries before she even acknowledged it, upon which she whirled on me and snapped, “When you can admit what you’ve done and apologise for it, then we’ll talk.” And stomped off. She has it in her head that all those years ago I did something with this exboyfriend of hers (who is now married to someone completely different) and that I need to face up to it and apologise.
How can I apologise for something I haven’t done? I accept that our friendship is over but don’t understand why she can’t at least be civil and acknowledge me. AIBU to expect her to do this? So sorry this is so long, but thanks for reading this far! Also, please be gentle as this is my first AIBU post. <Runs to get flameproof jacket, just in case>

pictish Wed 31-Aug-11 10:50:05

Long story I’m afraid so bear with me – probably just need to get it off my chest tbh. Had been “best friends” <cringe> with this girl for about 6 or 7 years. She’s always been quite emotional and needy but on the flip side was very generous with her time and emotions and very supportive during a lot of crises – which was reciprocated by me.

About 3 years ago she and her boyfriend broke up and she accused me of having an affair with him. This was not true. I had become friendly with him and he had become quite overfriendly with me, to the point of texting me and asking me out for drinks etc. Nothing ever happened with him; I was not attracted to him and although he pursued me quite vigorously, it never came to anything. The pursuing happened after he had broken up with her and although I have to admit I was flattered by the attention, I never ever let anything happen.

She refused to believe this because a mutual friend of her and her ex stirred things up, saying that something had. We spent a few months not talking, but eventually had a big conversation about it and moved on. Fast forward to a year or so ago. I became unexpectedly pregnant. From the moment I told her about it, she became distant and unresponsive. Later she blamed this on me, saying that I blew hot and cold throughout our entire friendship which she was constantly forgiving me for, and that I was not supportive of her when she was moving house, which happened to coincide with me discovering my pregnancy.

This culminated in some pretty horrific text messages from her telling me that I was full of poison, she’d never trusted me and to fuck off out of her life. I was 2 months pregnant, very sick and full of hormones. You can imagine how this made me feel. Luckily I had a wonderful supportive DP (now DH) but because of this girl, ended up with no friends as she pretty much guilt tripped most of our mutual friends into no longer being friendly with me.

A few months ago another mutual friend started talking to me again and admitted that they had both been jealous of my pregnancy and that was probably the reason this girl was being like she was. I have seen the girl on a number of occasions since all this happened and she has completely ignored me, to the point where both my DH and I have said hello very politely and she has literally turned her back on us.

The last time this happened was this past weekend, and I confronted her about it, saying “Seriously, are you not even going to say hello?” It took me several tries before she even acknowledged it, upon which she whirled on me and snapped, “When you can admit what you’ve done and apologise for it, then we’ll talk.” And stomped off. She has it in her head that all those years ago I did something with this exboyfriend of hers (who is now married to someone completely different) and that I need to face up to it and apologise.

How can I apologise for something I haven’t done? I accept that our friendship is over but don’t understand why she can’t at least be civil and acknowledge me. AIBU to expect her to do this? So sorry this is so long, but thanks for reading this far! Also, please be gentle as this is my first AIBU post. <Runs to get flameproof jacket, just in case>

pictish Wed 31-Aug-11 10:50:40

That's better.

OP - she's a twat. let her get on with being a twat as far away as possible from you.

tiddleypompom Wed 31-Aug-11 10:50:53

I wouldn't waste any more time worrying about this person - although I do sympathise as you are clearly a sensitive person and don't like the idea of people having 'issues' with you. Thing is the issues are her own, and you need to move on rather than waste anymore time trying to clear the air.
Enjoy your life smile

LeBOF Wed 31-Aug-11 10:53:41

Tell her to go boil her head, and forget about it.

Rowena8482 Wed 31-Aug-11 10:53:52

Why on earth do you care what she thinks? After all this time? Let it go.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Wed 31-Aug-11 10:55:05

Thanks Pictish smile Guess I need my own editor. Still at least I'm only being mildly smoked (not flamed) for my rubbish typing abilities. <Breathes sigh of relief>

SayCoolNowSayWhip Wed 31-Aug-11 10:56:57

I guess I do just hate people having issues with me. And we hardly see each other any more so it's not that big of a problem. You're all correct, thank you for confirming what I already really new. It's helped to get it all out, albeit in a longwinded and soap-operatic boring way smile

SayCoolNowSayWhip Wed 31-Aug-11 10:57:30

KNEW

FGS. <Walks off, muttering and shaking head>

cheekeymonkey Wed 31-Aug-11 10:59:48

Hey, don't sweat the small stuff.

There are far bigger things to worry about now you have a child.

All sounds a little childish anyway.

porcamiseria Wed 31-Aug-11 11:01:27

aha

you did wrong, sorry, you were flattered by his attentons and probably let the non-dalliance last longer than it should have, say for example her Ex was a MINGER I bet this "texting" would have ended alot sooner

anwyay, that said she will likely NEVER forgive you, so dont waste any more efforts, thought, or even energy on her. trim, she is a non person to you

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