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For hoping I won't be able to attend

(15 Posts)
mollycuddles Wed 31-Aug-11 07:19:26

I'll quickly explain the background to why I'm being pathetic. Dh has a history of severe depression, been in hospital for long stays, 2 very serious suicide attempts. The most recent one he was stopped in the nick of time by pure luck. He was going to hang himself and he had ligature marks around his neck. He's doing ok at the moment but it's left me a bit sensitive to anything related. I still worry that there will be a next time and he won't survive. We have 3 dcs.

A work colleague hanged himself last week. I and everyone else had no idea he was struggling. Some info has come out that explains to some extent his state of mind. Really dreadful stuff that would devastate anyone. I hadn't worked with him for a while as shifts hadn't coincided but I'd known him for 6 years. He was a good person and had been specifically kind to me. I know he was very fond of me. I am very sad about it and for him. He didn't deserve the way his life turned out.

But I don't want to go to his funeral. Obviously it'll be a very distressing thing for anyone who cared about him - many people more so than me. But I know I'll struggle because of dh. I will go if I can - there are a few upcoming commitments I can't rearrange and if there is a clash I won't be able to go. I feel bad and so guilty that I'm making this about me. Need kick up the backside hence AIBU.

ZillionChocolate Wed 31-Aug-11 07:23:39

YANBU. If you don't feel able to go then you shouldn't. If you can manage it, perhaps send a card/letter to his partner/family but don't beat yourself up over this.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Wed 31-Aug-11 07:24:51

It can be about you and there is no reason why you should feel guilty. You have a dreadfully difficult situation to deal with constantly and going to the funeral would show you what your worst fears could bring sad.

I think that you are worried what other people would think if you did not go: there comes a time when you have to say sod them and this is one of them. Going to the funeral would be horrific for you AND you do not want to go. For those reasons, don't.

YAMostCertainlyNBU

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Wed 31-Aug-11 07:25:07

YANBU nor are you being pathetic. I just wouldn't go TBH, if it will upset you that much, and it sounds as if it will, just send your regrets.

bagelmonkey Wed 31-Aug-11 07:27:45

I think it's better not to go and to send a cars than to go and have a meltdown over it.
YANBU
One of the purposes of attending a funeral is to support the family. I don't think you're in a position to do that right now. Send a card.

Inflames Wed 31-Aug-11 07:31:23

Yannnnnbu. But would send a card. Have you had any support - you may not need or want it -- but it must have been very hard for you and I suspect still is brew and kind thoughts :-)

mumblechum1 Wed 31-Aug-11 07:31:33

You are absolutely not being pathetic, and you shouldn't go to the funeral in these circumstances. I do think, though, that you should talk to your dh about your colleague and the sadness his death has caused those around him.

But I know nothing about mental illness so may be completely way off base there.

TheProvincialLady Wed 31-Aug-11 07:31:37

That is awful, I'm so sorrysad

You know, you are also in a terrible life situation with your DH suffering from depression and the suicide attempts, and now your work colleague's suicide. You deserve to look after yourself too, and if that means not going to his funeral then that is what you should do. Funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living and no one will really miss you if you aren't there, so if you will find it hard just don't do it to yourself.

AnotherJaffaCake Wed 31-Aug-11 09:04:19

Not going to a funeral does not mean you don't care. It just means you can't go. No-one should think any the worse of you if you don't attend.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Wed 31-Aug-11 09:06:37

Do not worry, none of his family would want you to feel like this. You can do something differently to Mark your respect.

DougalDaydream Wed 31-Aug-11 09:10:47

YANBU - he would understand.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Wed 31-Aug-11 09:22:43

That's awful. I would say don't go as it's a very sensitive area for you. Although when you said that he had been specifically very kind to you I did think maybe you should try.

bagelmonkey Wed 31-Aug-11 09:56:20

I've just re-read what I posted earlier and it really doesn't sound very sympathetic. That's not what I intended. I was trying to say pretty much what everyone else managed to say much better.
Please don't feel bad about not wanting to go.

pippilongsmurfing Wed 31-Aug-11 11:08:18

YANBU, it's not about you. Send the relatives a card.

mummyandpig Wed 31-Aug-11 11:13:05

You poor thing. You are definitely not BU. You shouldn't attend the funeral if it would be too much for you. Find another way to pay respects to your friend.

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