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to be mad at dp for wanting to restart smoking?

(15 Posts)
needsanswers Wed 31-Aug-11 00:27:32

if you are going to judge me or say harsh words i really don't want to hear it, tell me if im being unreasonable but please don't abuse me...
DP and i met about 6years ago, i was a full on smoker, and had been for a couple of years, after a year of being together he started smoking to.. 6months later i fell preg with dd and we both gave up the day we found out, (which was very hard btw) a few times in my pregnancy i would smell smoke on him and ask him y, he always has a very good excuse (i was just with XX who had a smoke etc) being suspicious i looked in his work van and found smokes, which i then took and threw out.. lol i never said anything about finding them and he never once mentioned it to me knowing it would start an argument. (would of loved to see the look on his face searching for them tho hehe) he then stopped smelling of smoke and i never once found anymore.
I never planned on starting smoking again but (not that its an excuse) dd was a very bad sleeper ( my own fault i no) at 16months i still had to rock her to sleep, gently place her in bed without waking her, she would wake up an hour or so later and i would start the process all over again, 16months with less then 5hours sleep a night really took a toll on me and i started smoking again, which ment Dp did to...(very very stuiped mistake i know)
18months later we decided to ttc and made a deal that when/if i did get preg again we were to give up smoking again. ( i no this next comment is going to get me some negative feeling but i think i need to be honest)
in New zealand where i live we have this herbal smoke called kronic in which when you smoke it it practically gives you the giggles and is 100% legal. so most night WHEN and only when dd was in bed we would have a little of this smoke and basically laugh at nothing.. never once did we smoke this near or around my daughter! and we would have a couple of drinks every few weeks when dd was at my mums.
back to the story we concieved 7months after 1st trying and like planned we both gave up smoking (which i willl NEVER restart) i have not how ever asked him to stop drinking on occasion and smoking kronic (which can be rather annoying when im sitting here 25weeks preg tierd and sore and hes sitting their laughing at nothing) he has been a bit on the grumpy side lately i asked y and he replied he wants to start smoking again, i really do not want him to as 1. i have smoked alot longer then him and its gonna make it very hard on me to see him doing that, 2. i have not asked him to give up kronic or alcohol so y does he have to smoke to? 3. we made a deal so y is he going back on it? im still working part time at nights, im still running the household, looking after dd aswell as having his son, so y cant he do this 1 simple thing for me that he promised he would do? pls tell me if im being unreasonable? iv been told im being selfish is this true? do i need to just get over it? sorry for the long story just wanted to get all details down

worraliberty Wed 31-Aug-11 00:34:43

It's a bit odd really

Firstly, if you both gave up on the day you found out you were pregnant...I'd wonder if you were really addicts at all?

If you were both addicts...why not give up as soon as you decided to TTC?

Secondly, who actually plans to start smoking again? If he's talking that way, I'd say he's already smoking and is looking for you to 'ok' him doing it in front of you again.

Thirdly, if he is addicted to could run the country in your spare time but that's not going to make a difference to him until he decides he wants to kick the habit.

monoid Wed 31-Aug-11 00:40:17

Well done for quitting! You're a stronger person than I.

But you said "y can't he do this one simple thing for me" but you must know it isn't that simple. I have quit a number of times. Sometimes for weeks. Sometimes for months. But I always end up smoking again. You can't make someone stop if they don't really, really want it, and even then it's difficult.
My brother was smoking for the same length of time that I was when his GF got pregnant and he just stopped. I will never know how he did that. I can't do that. People are different and some people find it harder than others.
The only thing you can do is ask him not to smoke around you.
It's disappointing that you can't quit together as you could do with the support, but if he isn't up for giving it a try, then he isn't I'm afraid.
You're being a bit unreasonable, but understandably disappointed and feeling a bit let down when you could do with some support.

needsanswers Wed 31-Aug-11 00:58:16

thank you for your feed back, i do feel unreasonable but at the same time cant understand it, the silly thing is he found giving up smoking this time so much easier then i did, i still craved it and snuck in a few sneaky ones over about a week, (that i did tell him about) but he really didnt have any trouble with stopping, he was even quite suprised with himself, and we have both been smoke free for 5months now. I think maybe i just need to find the strength to get over myself

monoid Wed 31-Aug-11 01:17:21

This is likely to sound a bit weird, but never mind...

The first time I stopped smoking, I stopped for 4 1/2 months. I was on nicotine patches and was taking it one day at a time and feeling really positive about it. Then one day, I realised that I was never meant to smoke ever again! And that was it. I battled through another few days and then I started again. I have stopped a number of times now and I always get to that point where I know I can't just not ever smoke again and I'm back to square one. However much I want to stop and however hard I try, I just can't. So what I'm saying is that even if he seemed to be doing well to start with, perhaps something has thrown him.
I really hope that you can stop though. Just ask him to be respectful of your decision. Good luck, you're doing brilliantly smile

maras2 Wed 31-Aug-11 01:51:30

'After a year of being together he started smoking too 'I don't think that an adult suddenly starts smoking do you really believe that ?Anyway, good luck to both of you and hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and hope that you have an easy labour and a beautifull child at the end. Mx.

Thumbwitch Wed 31-Aug-11 01:57:14

Umm maras, yes that can happen. I had a lodger who was a social smoker, on a night out drinking, he was smoking while waiting for the taxi and I asked him why he bothered - he said (no doubt joking) that it helped to keep him warm, so I said (drunk) ok, give us a go then. I was 30. Whenever I went out drinking after that I would bum a smoke off someone - until I realised what a pratt I was being! So stopped doing it again. But yes, I did that for a few months before working it out.

I can't understand why he would want or need to smoke cigs again, it seems a bit silly. I can understand why you are pissed off about it - but I think you are pissed off for the wrong reasons! Try getting pissed off because he is jeopardising his health, because he might get some hideous disease and not see your DC grow up, not just because you can't have one too!

jasper Wed 31-Aug-11 02:03:54

No wonder you are annoyed and disappointed with him.

I bet he is annoyed and disappointed with himself too.

DOn't give him a hard time.

Everyone has to work out these sort of things for themselves and sometimes the path involves going backwards.

Many in his shoes would just have smoked in secret. It is good that he is being upfront

milkmilklemonade Wed 31-Aug-11 04:29:40

Monoid, I absolutely agree. It isn't the physical addiction for me, I have just smoked after a month of quitting after an op. I couldn't stop myself and thought one would make me feel sick but quite the opposite. Once I had one I had 10. Now I feel guilty.

Iteotwawki Wed 31-Aug-11 05:28:30

Kronic is a synthetic cannabinoid. It's dangerous - recent investigations have found all manner of prescription drugs mixed in with it. It is also in the process of being banned. If you were both smoking it while your child was in bed then neither of you were in a fit mental state to be in sole charge of her.

Would suggest that you decide what is important to you (ie smoking or not, drugs or not) and then discuss it with him. If he's not prepared to change his lifestyle - then decide if you can tolerate it or not.

If my husband decided he was going to start smoking his bags would be packed, I can't stand the habit.

Nagoo Wed 31-Aug-11 08:22:59

He is smoking kronic in the house while your DD is asleep and you are pregnant?

<fingers waistband of judging pants>

I hate smoking. It's a dealbreaker for me.

I banned my DH from smoking a) at home b) anywhere my DCs are and c) when he's going to be near them after smoking

so if we are at a party or whatever, then he can do what he likes.

If I find cigarettes, I also throw them out and don't mention it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 31-Aug-11 08:31:23

"Hell hath no prude like a reformed whore....."

... or an anti-smoking nazi like a reformed smoker. The mistake you've made is expecting someone to change. Doesn't matter what the original behaviour was. Sounds to me that he was possibly making an effort just to keep the peace or to please you (no problem with that), but that his heart's not in it - or not to the extent that yours is now that you've stopped being inconsistent. Don't know how you resolve it but I do know that if you take it as a personal insult or have unrealistic expectations it can drive a wedge between you and lead to all kinds of resentment on both sides.

troisgarcons Wed 31-Aug-11 08:42:28

Well, OP, as you know it's an addictive habit - and once you are an addict it's a difficult cycle to break. I've lost count how many times I've given up; I can usually go 3-6 months then the devil will whisper in my ear 'just one, it won't hurt' - and I do then I'm back to square one.

And you Op, admit you've succumbed to the smokey mistress too! YOu can't be taking the moral high ground here I'm afraid.

CBear6 Wed 31-Aug-11 09:15:06

Smoking is such a hard habit to break. I gave up just before I found out I was pregnant with DS, I kept feeling sick and decided it was my body telling me to pack in the cigs so I quit on the Thursday morning then found out on Thursday night that I was pregnant, I haven't touched one since (three years this November!). I won't lie, there are days and times when I miss it and could quite easily start up again but I don't because I was ready to quit.

I had tried quitting in the past and it never stuck because I wasn't ready to and I was doing it for other people rather than for myself. Your DP needs to reach that point where he's ready to quit and it has to be his decision otherwise it won't stick. All you can really do is encourage and support him. Have you told him how you feel? Remind him how proud you are of him for coming this far and how he's doing really well and I would be a shame to spoil his progress by falling off the wagon now.

You need to speak to him about it and tell him how it's making you feel, see if you can reach an agreement or a compromise.

Sidalee7 Wed 31-Aug-11 10:28:34

YANBU for wanting him not to smoke - have you reminded him about the heightened risk of cot death - even if he does not smoke around the baby and changes his clothes it is on your skin.

I gave up smoking the day I found out I was pregnant and I had smoked heavily for 10 years prior to this and was definately an "addict".

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