AIBU to feel upset about this?

[Theas18]

fortunately the kids are healthy generally but the youngest has had a few years of hospital appointments and ds is currently having 6 weekly appointments for his roaccutane follow up.

I have a fairly flexible job, within reason and so have shuffled stuff about and gone but Tuesday's have a fixed point that is very difficult to get changed.

DH teaches.

I have done every bl**dy appointment over past 12yrs except for the one in July - I couldn't possibly take time off before we went on holiday so eldest ( just turned 18 a few days before ) went as his adult.

Next appt is 6/9. We have just got the date on return from holiday. No way can I go as it isn't even a week for me to swap stuff about.

DH refuses to even ask if he can go- despite the fact that he has a teacher day, so no kids in- he also refused in July " to near to end if term" ( though the kids were in then).

His reasoning - new job started on 1/9.

Changing appt really difficult and vital as he won't get medication if he isn't seen.

I am so upset- surely other teachers ( especially female ones?) do have time off to take kids to hospital?? WTF can't he just occasionally go- actually his new school is very close to the hospital so he'll be out of school for only 90 mins or so- takes me all morning...

I have called them and ds will go alone- it seems they will see him and he is fully gillick competent- he has always done all the talking etc so will be fine and he's happy to do it so all will be well but I'm still fuming.

(actually it'll be a but of a waste of time- doc will say are they working- ds will say - yes and then he'll say the side effects are just are just about tolerable , and he'll get more tablets , but it has to be done).

What do you think? Surely all parents should be allowed to cover these things??

[27tilly]

YANBU - Me and DH take it on turns with all hospital and dentist appointments, A lot of the time it seems to fall to the mother to attend and re-arrange her work etc to fit in.

[youarekidding]

Hoe old is your DS?

I know teachers get time out for children's appointments.

It shouldn't make a difference but is your DH primary or secondary? Primary is easier to get cover for as non specialist subjects.

FWIW I had roaccutane when it was called 'a new drug!' (1997/8). It worked really well after about 6 months and I took it for about a year.

[youarekidding]

forgot to say YANBU.

[beckybrastraps]

Hmm. I am a teacher (secondary) and DH tends to do appointments (and more time off for sick children) than me, because teaching is the least flexible job there is. And if he is starting a new job this term, and the appointment is 6 Sept, I can see that it would be very difficult for him to do it.

[chrisrobin]

I can understand where you are coming from. My DH is a teacher and I have to do all the school time appointments and things- he simply cannot take any time off during the school term. From what I understand the school is a little more lenient with mothers but not much.

It would not be a good idea to ask he can have time off on and INSET day, they are very important and the trainers have to cram a lot of info into one/two days, particularly if it's a new school, he will have to get used to all the new systems and meet his collegues.

Sorry YANBU but its just a teachers wife's lot!

[beckybrastraps]

And a teacher's husbands...

Seriously, the school is more lenient with mothers? Not really?

[Theas18]

In away it is really a non issue if the hospital letter didn't imply that he must be accompanied. He's a very mature 15yr old who has had lots of practice at being independent. Particularly with the roaccutane we have made him research and choose whether to have it and he has discussed it with his consultant " man to man" so he is fully aware of all the issues around it etc. It'll be fine but could just need one if us ( I'll make sure it is DH!) to run in before the pharmacy closes if they won't hand the tablets over to him!

[Andrewofgg]

Sorry, but INSET day in a new job - be realistic. YABU, I'm afraid.

[rainbowinthesky]

I'm a teacher and dh has always had to take time off his job as it is extremely difficult for me to. Ds has gone to a lot of his appointments on his own for some time now.

[rainbowinthesky]

There is no way I'd take off an inset day in a new job in the first week especially if the 15 year old can do it himself.

[chrisrobin]

At my DH's school they are slightly more lenient with the mums, just the way they are. You are correct though and teachers husbands.

[beckybrastraps]

Lenient in what way? Paying for time off as opposed to having to take it unpaid? Because if that is the case, then it is pretty wrong.

[chrisrobin]

Some mums have been given time off in the school day (paid) to attend appointments and lessons covered by other staff. This is only occasional though.

[beckybrastraps]

If I thought the men in my school were getting something I wasn't I'd be talking to my union.

[littlecityblue]

YANBU to feel aggrieved but as a teacher myself, there's no way I'd be able to go unless I could juggle my PPA time. I doubt there's much your DH can do about it and on the training day in a new post it would unfortunately not be a good start. Like others have said, during term time, teaching is about as inflexible job as you can have.

[rainbowinthesky]

I am surprised noone has complained about such an unequal policy. I assume your school has an equality policy?

[snuffy143]

As a teacher mother about to start a new job, I see your point of view BUT my one and only INSET day next week is absolutely crucial to the start of my new job and I would not be taking it off (or part of it off) for many circumstances that come to mind! It will be a minefield of information and really important. I agree that teaching is the least flexible job for this sort of thing - great for things in the holidays - but you are expected to be there ALL the time in term-time unless you are near death. Can be really hard but luckily my DH works locally to the kids schools (as do both sets of GPs) so I feel very fortunate as a working teaching mum - lots of safety nets!

[Diamondsareagirls]

I am a teacher and I would find it really difficult to take off and INSET day especially with it being a new job. Sorry but yabu.

[rainbowinthesky]

After teaching for 10 years (been with dh the whole time) he still sometimes calls me after school, if he has a day off, and thinks I can just walk out as the kids have left.

[working9while5]

I seem to remember reading that, legally, partners are supposed to split childcare commitments like this: there can be serious trouble for parents who are always the one to take time off in these situations.

[CurrySpice]

I can see both sides of it but I'm falling on the side of YANBU

It seems that when a mother and father both find it impossible to take a day off, it's always (OK almost always) the mother who moves heaven and earth to make it possible.

It makes me mad too OP and I'm not surprised it does you too

BTW your DS sounds like a total star :o

[chrisrobin]

becky and rainbow its not worth complaining, its a small inde school, run by an old boys network, complain at your peril! There are far more worrying things happening there anyway.
rainbow my MiL does that, tries to ring DH when he is teaching and when he rings her back she says 'well the schools here kicked out at 3:15'- he teaches till 5:30 and has been doing so for the 9 years he has been teaching.

OP, your son sounds great and very sensible, I hope his appt goes well.

[redexpat]

Could you not ring and explain the situation and request another time?

[Theas18]

Thanks all. Especially curry spice who seems to have hit the nail on the head- it's always me- and that's what I feel is so unfair I guess.

The clinics are always tues morning - just about the only totally inflexible point in my week really- and asking for a delay in th appt means he'll run out of Meds. I also dint want to feel I'm " dumping" on my overstretched collegues.

Have even thought of driving 90 mins each way so my 84yr old mum could go with him, but that is a daft thought- she couldn't really walk the 1/2 mile each way from the station, and we'd have to drag my demented dad along too as he can be left for more th an hour or so! I really have explored every possible avenue!

[ilovesooty]

Sorry: I agree with those who say that it would be unrealistic for your husband to miss part of INSET day, especially in a new school.