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To feel consumed by hate for ex-friend?

(92 Posts)
whydoidoit Tue 30-Aug-11 16:40:46

*namechanged
I know IABU but I can't help it.
Long story - when I was a teenager I hung around with 4 other girls and in our early 20s there was a bit of a split amongst the group (different unis, interests etc.) and a falling out which left me feeling really hurt (2 of the girls decided just to cut me out of their lives. I believe it was because one of jealous of the way my life was going and the other was a complete sheep, not very bright and just followed the other one because she was told to). Years later it transpires that the jealous girl had slept with the sheep girl's boyfriend and so they fell out too. About 5 years later, I was out in town one night and sheep girl came up to me crying and begging to be forgiven etc. so we slowly became friends again, despite my niggling doubts. All of a sudden thought, she started inviting herself out everywhere with us, buying the same clothes as me, throwing herself at all my friends and becoming their best buddies (facebooking and phoning them all the time etc.). I was a fairly annoyed by all of this obviously but felt sorry for her as she didn't really have any friends of her own (she flits from person to person). Anyway, time went on and she started dating DHs friend. She turned into a complete moron everytime they were together (cutesy voice, all over him etc.) when we went out. She would also make snide comments out of earshot of everyone else like 'I bet you will be so cross if I have babies before you' - er..no, i don't live my life as a competition, thanks. So, this started to get grating and even more annoying. I didn't know what to do so I started being a bit abrupt with her. I know that I should have handled it better but every time I saw her my blood would boil with annoyance and I couldn't help myself. So, she picked up on this and her boyfriend emailed me and asked me what the problem was. I just said that I had some issues, I was sorry for the way I behaved and let's get on with things for the sake of DH. her boyfriend then went on a complete rant about how I thought I was so perfect and had so many friends when I really I was just a complete bitch etc. I forwarded the email to her who replied with a 'lets forget about it and move on' etc. email. Anyway, this went on and I carried on living my life but just not inviting them anywhere etc. (I usually organised our group social/weekend activities) but DH was annoyed at being 'stuck in the middle' etc. So, a complete division in the group - I had predicted that something like that would happen and she would be trying to take over but I was dismissed as being irrational etc. My DH thinks I behaved terribly to his friend and the girl and it has been a bone of contention in our house for years. In fact the only thing we have every really fought about. She is now best friends with someone I used to be very close to and is engaged to her boyfriend (so has got everything she ever wanted), who has asked DH to be Best Man (despite never making the effort to meet our DD born 6 months ago). I found this out on facebook as DH has not bothered to tell me yet as I am sure he thinks I will go mad (and our DD has been in hospital so I have been very stressed and I am sure he does not want to add to that). My problem is that I can't stop thinking about her and wishing her ill. I work in the caring profession and do not hate anyone else in this world but the hate I feel for her is all consuming. I'm 37, not 17 and know that it's a childish way to feel. I think about it all the time and it's getting in the way of me enjoying my life. Do I need councelling to try and get over this? Will I ever get over it if she is constantly circling my life).
As I said I know IABU but need help in trying to figure out how to move on and live my life free from hating this girl (by the way, initiating contact with her is not an option, I could not stand to be in her company even if it would solve the problems with DH).
Sorry it's long and boring...

MrGin Tue 30-Aug-11 16:43:37

forgive, forget and put paragraphs in your posts.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Tue 30-Aug-11 16:43:48

I'm sorry, I lost the will to live a third of the way through this. Can you condense it a bit?

SusanneLinder Tue 30-Aug-11 16:45:30

Your hate is spoiling your relationship with your DH. Get over it and think about how lucky you are!

PattySimcox Tue 30-Aug-11 16:46:45

what MrGin said

TheOriginalFAB Tue 30-Aug-11 16:47:43

Sorry, impossible to read without paragraphs when a post is that long.

You don't have to spend time with people you don't want too.

Tchootnika Tue 30-Aug-11 16:47:57

Your hate is spoiling your paragraphs.

whydoidoit Tue 30-Aug-11 16:49:12

Sorry. I am filled with irrational rage even writing it down.

Old friend made contact and asked for forgiveness after a falling out in teenage years.
She forced her way into my social circle and went a bit pyscho - buying same clothes as me, inviting herself everywhere, forcing herself on my friends.
She pounced on DHs best friend.
I got fed up and was a bit rude to her.
Haven't spoken to them in years but DH has and is now going to be Best man at their wedding.
I am worst in the world according to everyone else even though I predicted this.
I hate her, know I shouldn't and can't seem to move on.

electra Tue 30-Aug-11 16:50:54

Hating someone who's just a bit irritating is very strange - is there more to this than you've said?

QueenofJacksDreams Tue 30-Aug-11 16:51:19

ORIGINAL POST HERE PARAGRAPHED

namechanged
I know IABU but I can't help it.
Long story - when I was a teenager I hung around with 4 other girls and in our early 20s there was a bit of a split amongst the group (different unis, interests etc.) and a falling out which left me feeling really hurt (2 of the girls decided just to cut me out of their lives.

I believe it was because one of jealous of the way my life was going and the other was a complete sheep, not very bright and just followed the other one because she was told to). Years later it transpires that the jealous girl had slept with the sheep girl's boyfriend and so they fell out too.

About 5 years later, I was out in town one night and sheep girl came up to me crying and begging to be forgiven etc. so we slowly became friends again, despite my niggling doubts. All of a sudden thought, she started inviting herself out everywhere with us, buying the same clothes as me, throwing herself at all my friends and becoming their best buddies (facebooking and phoning them all the time etc.). I was a fairly annoyed by all of this obviously but felt sorry for her as she didn't really have any friends of her own (she flits from person to person).

Anyway, time went on and she started dating DHs friend. She turned into a complete moron everytime they were together (cutesy voice, all over him etc.) when we went out. She would also make snide comments out of earshot of everyone else like 'I bet you will be so cross if I have babies before you' - er..no, i don't live my life as a competition, thanks.

So, this started to get grating and even more annoying. I didn't know what to do so I started being a bit abrupt with her. I know that I should have handled it better but every time I saw her my blood would boil with annoyance and I couldn't help myself. So, she picked up on this and her boyfriend emailed me and asked me what the problem was. I just said that I had some issues, I was sorry for the way I behaved and let's get on with things for the sake of DH. her boyfriend then went on a complete rant about how I thought I was so perfect and had so many friends when I really I was just a complete bitch etc. I forwarded the email to her who replied with a 'lets forget about it and move on' etc. email.

Anyway, this went on and I carried on living my life but just not inviting them anywhere etc. (I usually organised our group social/weekend activities) but DH was annoyed at being 'stuck in the middle' etc. So, a complete division in the group - I had predicted that something like that would happen and she would be trying to take over but I was dismissed as being irrational etc.

My DH thinks I behaved terribly to his friend and the girl and it has been a bone of contention in our house for years. In fact the only thing we have every really fought about. She is now best friends with someone I used to be very close to and is engaged to her boyfriend (so has got everything she ever wanted), who has asked DH to be Best Man (despite never making the effort to meet our DD born 6 months ago). I found this out on facebook as DH has not bothered to tell me yet as I am sure he thinks I will go mad (and our DD has been in hospital so I have been very stressed and I am sure he does not want to add to that).

My problem is that I can't stop thinking about her and wishing her ill. I work in the caring profession and do not hate anyone else in this world but the hate I feel for her is all consuming. I'm 37, not 17 and know that it's a childish way to feel. I think about it all the time and it's getting in the way of me enjoying my life. Do I need councelling to try and get over this? Will I ever get over it if she is constantly circling my life).

As I said I know IABU but need help in trying to figure out how to move on and live my life free from hating this girl (by the way, initiating contact with her is not an option, I could not stand to be in her company even if it would solve the problems with DH).
Sorry it's long and boring...*

No offense meant to cause here OP I just wanted it to be easier for everyone else to read. Is paragraphed even a word? hmm

ViviPru Tue 30-Aug-11 16:51:57

Don't waste another thought on it. You said yourself its you who tends to organise your joint social activities, so do what you do best and fill your life with planning fun events and activities with your DH and DD and shift the focus to the friends and family members who are a positive influence. Gently move your family's life away from these people.

Tchootnika Tue 30-Aug-11 16:52:34

Maybe you should write down all the ways that you think this situation makes you feel.
Work out how much of it is just to do with this, and how much of it feeds into other stuff that you're insecure about.
Then maybe you can work on insecurities, and try and get something positive out of this - and move on.

whydoidoit Tue 30-Aug-11 16:53:31

electra - nope, not much more to it than that. I know it's strange.

QueenofJacksDreams - thank you.

tuxedoprincess Tue 30-Aug-11 16:55:21

this hatred will consume you, I can understand it but for your sanity and your relationship you need to work at moving on and not letting it consume you or it will take over. dont let her become that important in your life, you are better than that. try stopping your negative thoughts when you think of her and try to banish thinking about her at all, remember the good bits that must have been there at times as it seems she is the brunt of all the past hurts with your other friends in the past as well, dont make her the scapegoat for everything that has happened. accept that you are grown up now and have new friends and harping back to the past is doing you no good... life moves on and we all have to learn to leave behind the bad bits.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern Tue 30-Aug-11 16:55:23

Even with paragraph I still don't get why you hate her. She has been a bit irritating but TBH you sound like you are jealous. She made friends with your friends she pounced on dh best friends well love he is marrying her now or do you think she put a spell on him or something.

I agree with your DH you have behaved terribly and now are trying to make out she deserves hate because you were jealous. Think you do need to take a long hard look at your motives and feelings towards this poor woman.

cantspel Tue 30-Aug-11 16:55:52

How can someone force themselves into your circle of friends?

She might have originally met them through you but they clearly like her or they wouldn't have become so friendly with her and even engaged to one of them.

Sounds like it is your own little green eyed monster is taking over your life not this woman.

whydoidoit Tue 30-Aug-11 16:57:18

ViviPru - I do that, and am grateful for many wonderful friends and family who we spend a lot of time with. It's DHs connection with the man (old uni friends) that keeps them in our lives.

Tchootnika - there is clearly insecurity at play her but I can't figure out what I am insecure about at all. I will write it all down and try and work through it. I've been like this for the last 3 years and really need to move on.

HPonEverything Tue 30-Aug-11 16:57:48

I think first you could benefit from compartmentalising the teenage years and the adult years. Everyone does stupid stuff as a teenager (I know I did).

So now as an adult she's been a bit weird and irritating but I don't get why you HATE her - hate is a really strong word and it doesn't seem like she's particularly done anything malicious. The division in the group isn't JUST down to her is it, it's down to all of you.

TBH her boyfriend/fiance sounds like more of a knob than she is, going by the ranting email thing.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Tue 30-Aug-11 16:57:54

Thanks QOJD
OP, could you just go to the wedding and draw a line under it. Have no further contact.
I do think it is somewhat bizarre the way this hatred seems to be consuming your life.
There is an individual who I loathe in a way I have never loathed before. I honestly wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. I would watch her burn.
I have a good reason though.

MightyQuim Tue 30-Aug-11 16:58:55

From what you've written the only crimes your 'friend' seems to have committed are drifting out of contact with you, making some strange comments about babies and being a bit annoying. I can't see anything in what you've written that would inspire hate in most people.
I would just leave your dh to socialise with his friend - you don't have to join them if you don't enjoy the company

whydoidoit Tue 30-Aug-11 17:02:46

tuxedoprincess You might be on to something there. I have been let down by lots of friends in the distant past and am only now happy that I can trust certain people not to let me down.

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern I have no idea what I could possibly be jealous of. I have everything I ever wanted out of life.

cantspel She only is friends with one of them now, the other friends found her behaviour annoying too. She has been engaged 3 times before (she told me years ago all she wanted from life was a husband), and he has lived with a string of woman so it was unsurprising they got engaged.

VeraCanSignChocolateAndWine Tue 30-Aug-11 17:04:02

You say she's got everything she ever wanted as though you begrudge her some happiness?
Are you jealous of her perhaps?

You are 37, like you said. And neither you nor sheep-friend are the same people you were 20 years ago. I'm not sure counselling would really help tbh, unless there is something else that is bothering you.

I think there is no getting away from this woman, she is part of your life through default. Perhaps you could meet up with her to discuss what has happened in the past? Get everything out in the open. On a two way basis.

You didn't like the fact that her bf took her side over yours, he would, she's his gf, you are his mates wife. Be honest with her and say that you did not appreciate her bf emailing you, and would much have preferred her to speak to you herself if she had such a problem.

I think it really is time to forgive and forget, take her comments with a pinch of salt, and ignore what you don't like about her.

afishcalledmummy Tue 30-Aug-11 17:05:33

Your DH's "friend" sent you an email telling you that you were a bitch and your DH thinks you've behaved badly? I'd be quite cross with DH if I were you - who does the friend think he is to character assassinate you by email (cowardly, I bet he'd never say it face to face) - and your DH hasn't stuck up for you, in fact he has done the opposite by agreeing to be best man to this idiot. Is it possible that part of the reason you hate this girl is because you can't be cross with DH?

That aside, you're allowed to dislike people for irrational reasons, and you're allowed to grow apart from people - which it sounds like you have with the original friend and this associated group. Just don't let yourself hate them as you'll only end up upsetting yourself. Just walk away and content yourself with the knowledge that people will find out what she's like in time. You just won't have to deal with it next time.

Tchootnika Tue 30-Aug-11 17:09:14

I have everything I ever wanted out of life.

Sorry, why but I really don't believe that anyone can really say that honestly.

I've got the bit between me teeth now, am all up for some p.m. amateur therapising...

I think that you are a bit jealous of this 'ex-friend'.
I reckon it could have something to do with her apparent freedom - i.e. you say she's got no friends, but it seems that also she drifts around as she pleases - and gets away with it.

How would you describe her if you wanted to present her as someone with a bit of clout, rather than someone you're determined to pity?

joric Tue 30-Aug-11 17:09:18

OP- this 'friend' dumped you when you were younger, weedled (is that a word) her way back in when she was short of friends, you were kind enough to let her into your circle of friends, she's now taken over and is being a pain on the backside.
There will be people in your group who are loyal to you- find out who they are and see them separately.
YANBU but don't let her get to you. See the friend's who will go out without her in tow. Let the others get on with it.

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