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Am I being unreasonable to think this is not on?!

(55 Posts)
Renaissance227 Tue 30-Aug-11 11:06:18

I'm 32+2 today and although I don't have terrible mood swings I can get snappy with my DP over very little. He's currently drinking enough to sink a small ship most nights (and stinking of stale larger almost every day!) which is starting to irritate me so I snap at him a lot and get very short tempered with most things that he does. (Apparently he will stop drinking as much SOON but this is still not happening!)
Anyway, Last night I did just this after HE had had a long soak in a hot bath and he was asking me stupid questions about stuff (not pregnancy related!). I was tired and had had enough of pandering to him, BUT I got a mouthful from him about how I'm a "moody bitch" and should "sort it". I explained about pregnancy hormones etc and how I'm getting tired and have aches and pains all over but he just said this is not pregnancy related just me being a moody bitch who deserves no sympathy. He seems to think that pregnancy hormones just mean that you are either very happy or very sad and crying.

I am feeling totally deflated and horrible today.

(Also last night I had a horrible nightmare about him turning into a drunk/psycho who was determined to leave me and I woke up crying. When I told him what the dream was about this morning all he said was that's not scary. Why were you so upset?!)

This isn't reasonable behaviour from him is it?!

Catsdontcare Tue 30-Aug-11 11:09:55

I think you're both being unreasonable. Being pregnant isn't an excuse to treat people however you want regardless of how your hormones are acting.

The drinking does sound like a valid cause for concern, but maybe you are both stuck in a cycle now

troisgarcons Tue 30-Aug-11 11:12:00

Is he trying unsuccessfully to hide his fears about becoming a father?

mayorquimby Tue 30-Aug-11 11:16:45

It's not on from both of you. You don't get a free pass because you're pregnant. If you constantly snap at him don't be shocked if he snaps back.

TheMonster Tue 30-Aug-11 11:18:19

I wondered the same, trois. Maybe his drinking is a result of his fear of impending fatherhood?

Renaissance227 Tue 30-Aug-11 11:18:29

I don't know that it had anything to do with his fears and as for being unreasonable myself Catsdontcare, I had just scrubbed the bath clean, run him a hot bath and left him having a soak for ages. Then when he came out I was giving him a leg massage when he told me I was being tetchy and things went on from there.
I've had no such treatment from him apart from two half hearted back rubs in the last few weeks.
I just get irritated when I am still running around after him (doing washing/shopping/cleaning;/etc) while he sits around drinking larger five nights out of seven.

youarekidding Tue 30-Aug-11 11:20:55

I agree it's 50:50. I also got scared/ achy etc by 30+ weeks and got annoyed with my P about wierd things. Actually things he always did but they just annoyed me more. grin Thing is people can't change who they are because our hormones are everywhere, we have to learn to be as tolerant as we expect them to be.

Birdsgottafly Tue 30-Aug-11 11:21:16

Part of the problem was that you shouldn't have been pandering to him, anyway. It does come across that you are hanging on to him, regardless.

If the drinking is a problem then talk about it during the day, not once it has started. You may have to make choices that you don't really want to.

How was the relationship before you got pregnant?

Renaissance227 Tue 30-Aug-11 11:21:20

When I've asked him about his drinking I've been told he does it beacuse he likes it and it's the summer so why not. He drinks at least four cans of larger when he drinks during the week and from Thursday to Sunday night inclusive he drinks eight cans and several bottles and stays up until gone 3am. NOT to mention the money he has spend on alcohol over the last few months whilst I've bought everything for the baby. He has only bought a play mat for £40.

fanjobanjowanjo Tue 30-Aug-11 11:21:51

I just get irritated when I am still running around after him (doing washing/shopping/cleaning;/etc) while he sits around drinking larger five nights out of seven.

STOP doing all this. Is he a baby? Leave him to sort it himself.

Birdsgottafly Tue 30-Aug-11 11:22:49

X post. All i can say is God help you once you are a new mum. Stop running round after him, its time he did all that for himself.

youarekidding Tue 30-Aug-11 11:23:17

Ren the answer is then he does his own baths, washing etc and you stop 'giving' to him so much. Split the chores up now - you'll need more help with a newborn so better start getting in the practice.

mayorquimby Tue 30-Aug-11 11:23:35

so, you're snapping over the past weeks may have a cumulative effect.
in your own words
"I can get snappy with my DP over very little."
"I snap at him a lot and get very short tempered with most things that he does. "

He would appear to have done the same here, snap at you over something minor (in this case his perception that you were being tetchy), you felt his questions were stupid and pointless. He could well have felt he was trying to talk to you about something non-pregnancy related for once.
Then when he snaps at you over your short-temper with him you thought your pregnancy was a get out clause.
Both unreasonable, and both probably just stressed etc. over the impending baby.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 30-Aug-11 11:23:49

Well stop doing so much for him then!!

If it's not reciprocated then you have every right to be pissed off, pregnant or not.

Stop being a bloody walkover and relax and take care of YOU if he's not going to do it. Bloody massaging his legs, you eejit.

Renaissance227 Tue 30-Aug-11 11:23:59

Before I got pregnant he had a hold of his drinking but did drink quite a lot sometimes. We are were very close and mostly happy but have both always been firey.
If I don't pander to him and do everything then I get him moaning that things are getting done and that the house is a mess etc. I can't be doing with him moaning AND drinking so I just do it all!

troisgarcons Tue 30-Aug-11 11:26:26

Difficult time, new baby coming n'all that. Is it your first?

Stress can create monsters out of the most placid people.

squeakytoy Tue 30-Aug-11 11:27:47

I had just scrubbed the bath clean, run him a hot bath and left him having a soak for ages. Then when he came out I was giving him a leg massage

Speechless... for once.. I am truly speechless.

confused

Renaissance227 Tue 30-Aug-11 11:28:47

troisgarcons It is our first baby. Both excited but it seems to have created me in the role of mother hen and him in the role of drinking teenager!

I think I just wish he would take as much care of me as he does himself, but it doesn't look like this is going to happen!

scrambedeggs Tue 30-Aug-11 11:29:36

so once you arent pregnant, will you be snappy because of post natal blues

once thats over, you will be snapping because of x. y & z

I would love someone to pander to me and do the martyr act whilst they are cleaning and doing all the chores. Of course I would, if I could get away with it

stop moaning and either start changing, or leave. You wont change him, only your reaction to him

Being pregnant isnt an excuse for being rude.....ok you might be tired etc etc but you still have control over your tongue! Maybe he is drinking more coz you are stressing him out and then you get stressed even more so he drinks even more etc etc and the cycle continues.

However, this leg massage thing........................WTF???????????

Renaissance227 Tue 30-Aug-11 11:34:44

So basically I should be nice to him all the time because pregnancy is no excuse for feeling stressed etc, just put up with him doing nothing and drinking, and stop doing the things that need doing in the house?!
Ok.

solidgoldbrass Tue 30-Aug-11 11:35:05

Oh shit, this is a classic bad situation that's going to get worse. Your partner is a selfish, immature, sexist prick. Unfortunately, an awful lot of women are able to gloss over sexist-prick behaviour from a man (particularly if he's good looking/intermittently charming/a great shag) for a long time but the cracks always show when the first baby happens. The woman finds it harder to give into and pander to the man all the time: she tries to explain to him that she is PG/looking after a newborn and things are changing. But the man doesn't want his life to change. He wants to carry on as normal, having all his whims indulged by the woman, getting his own way all the time, being the focus of her life because he is the Man In Her LIfe and therefore her first priority.
So the man starts acting up, to punish the woman and make her understand that she must put him first. With some it's drinking, with others it's sulking, with some it's breaching monogamy...

How much of it are you prepared to put up with, Renassance, and for how long? Can you give him an ultimatum and stick to it? It's worth doing some prelimiary research into your financial position now eg who owns the house, who earns what, which benefits would you get as a single parent.

mayorquimby Tue 30-Aug-11 11:35:45

Yep, that's exactly what everyone has said.
Problem sorted.

faverolles Tue 30-Aug-11 11:35:51

I think the excessive drinking would really worry me - especially at that stage of pregnancy. Is he going to be the one to drive you to hospital and support you? Do you have a close friend or relative who could stand in if he is in no fit state to be there for you?

Snapping and bickering aside (which you are both responsible for) I think drinking that much at this stage is irresponsible.

CognitiveDissident Tue 30-Aug-11 11:36:26

You are not being snappy because of pregnancy hormones...

You are being snappy because you are with a lazy, selfish,over-entitled arse.

And he's an alcoholic too.

There is no way on earth that I would put up with this, and you shouldn't either. Stop pandering to him, and tell him to quit the booze or leave. Do you really want him with you at the birth while drunk?

Bet he'll be demanding a foot massage in the delivery suite too...

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