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to think this houseguest is taking the mick?

(14 Posts)
Moulesfrites Tue 30-Aug-11 10:53:58

My sister and her boyfriend live in a 1 bed flat. They have a mutual friend who has recently got divorced and is unemployed, and they said that she could stay with them for a few weeks whilst she got herself sorted out. It is now 3 months down the line and she is still living there. She shows no sign of getting a job, and contributes nothing to the running of the flat. My sister and her bf spent months saving up for a sofa and yet they have never used it as this girl is sleeping on it!

My sister has been going out with her bf for a long time, and I know she would love to get married, but one of the reasons her bf has given for putting it off is that it would upset this girl as she is recently divorced. My sis has complained about her friend to me and my mum but when my mum said she needed to address the situation with her my sis told her that she lacked compassion - apparently the guests mother is bipolar and lives in America and she cannot go back to her. My sis just says she knows that if she were in this girl's situation she would be glad of a friend like herself. This has caused a bit of a rift between my sis and my mum and I can see both pov's tbh, but AIBU to think they cannot put their own lives on hold just to spare the feelings of their houseguest?

nickschick Tue 30-Aug-11 10:56:01

I think theres other stuff going on tbh.
Your sisters bf sounds a bit odd delaying their marriage so as to not upset the 'houseguest'.

Moulesfrites Tue 30-Aug-11 10:56:31

yeah, I did think that was a terrible excuse!

SemperUbiSubUbi Tue 30-Aug-11 10:58:40

Firstly the boyfriends reason of not getting married is funny and pathetic at the same time, its nothing do to with the friend being recently divorced, its just a shitty excuse.

Secondly, if your sister is not willing to say anything to her friend then she cant moan about her to you all.

Either she reminds her friend she needs to get a job and contribute until she can move out or she just puts up with it like a doormat.

The friend is really taking the piss and while she knows shes getting away with it shes going to carry on.

nickschick Tue 30-Aug-11 10:59:13

Its never going to end though unless the house guest gets up from the settee and takes stock of her life,is she working at all? has she checked any housing options?- I think your sister needs to lightly suggest ways of moving forward either that or think of her as a permanent addition.

mousymouse Tue 30-Aug-11 10:59:16

your sister needs to talk to her friend.
if she can't face to face (I know it is difficult) she can write a letter.
give the friend an ultimatum like, in one weeks time she will have to leave the flat...

planetpotty Tue 30-Aug-11 10:59:18

Its sounds like your sister and her BF are (whilst not delighted) ok with the situation.

Maybe your Sister was just wanting to vent when talking to your Mum rather than actually taken any action on it?

I would say YANBU to think that this would drive your nuts buuuuutttt if your sister or her bf are not wanting to tackle the subject then dont sweat the small stuff.

By the way I have friends I would let live with me forever if they had to but I know they would all sort themselves out within about 6 weeks not 3 months and at this point my DH would be doing his nut smile

NorfolkBroad Tue 30-Aug-11 11:01:22

Having just started my own thread re unreasonable houseguests this is rather topical for me! Personally it would drive me up the wall to have someone doss at mine for that long especially in a little flat and especially when they do not contribute. I don't really understand how someone can do that for so long and not realise! However, if your sister is insistent that she can stay then I suppose there is very little you can do. Do you think it's more that your sister can't face telling her to go and all the emotional blackmail that will entail? Such a frustrating situation for you to observe!

lubeybooby Tue 30-Aug-11 11:01:47

They need to have the chat with the friend. The one that goes "so, the offer of staying on the sofa was for a few weeks... it's now been months. How's your job and house search going?" and when met with a blank stare give her a deadline to be out.

I had to do this with my mum who left her job and turned up on my doorstep wanting to stay for a short while.

planetpotty Tue 30-Aug-11 11:02:07

mousymouse the friend prob wont be a friend after and ultimtaum like that smile

NorfolkBroad Tue 30-Aug-11 11:03:20

I did have some absolutely lovely friends who let a woman they knew stay for a while but in the end for her sake as well as theirs they sat her down and nicely said "So, what are your plans? We've liked having you here but this was not meanto be a long term arrangement." They didn't just chuck her out but it got her moving in the right direction.

LydiaWickham Tue 30-Aug-11 11:07:47

Your sister needs to grow a backbone. If this guest is not working, is she claiming benefits? Your sister needs to take some of that in rent. She needs to have a conversation about how much longer this can go on for, I would say a maximum 1 month and make her guest find out what benefits she's entitled to and start looking for a room to rent. That's more than enough time if she genuinely makes an effort to find somewhere else to live.

It's not lacking compassion to help someone sort their life out, it's showing less compassion to keep her in this limbo. In the long run, your sister isn't helping her houseguest by not helping her be independent, has this woman always lived in a house provided by someone else? (Mother, husband, now friend's sofa - looks like that if the only options being discussed are friends house or mother's house.) She might genuinely not know where to start sorting out benefits and looking for a houseshare.

If the boyfriend wants to marry her, he'll propose. If he's not doing so, it's because he doesn't want to.

banana87 Tue 30-Aug-11 11:09:56

I would just stay out of it TBH. It's really none of your business.

troisgarcons Tue 30-Aug-11 11:10:25

Local paper, rooms to rent, circle one or two in red, hand her the paper and the number of the DSS so she can arrange HB.

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