to not go to this wedding?

[cheekster]

A good friend of DH is getting married abroad. We would love to go but there are just so many reasons why we cant

1 - We just dont have the money - it would mean a loan
2 - I cant have time off work to go
3 - If i request time off and it was granted I could only have 4 days off (including the weekend) which would mean 2 days there 2 days travelling
4 - We have 2 LO so it would probably be more stressful than a holiday with it being such a short one

The thing is - his friend has asked him to be best man!

DH explained the situation to his friend, but he just doesnt understand, his DF has text me saying how gutted he is. When I explained our situation to her she didnt seem to understand either. Not only that but his friend has started to be really 'off' with DH, making comments such as "he knows who his true friends are" etc.

My only suggestion is that DH goes alone, but he says he doesnt want to (hes scared of flying).

So AI(we) BU to not go?

[Kayano]

No and these people are friends? Surely once it was explained to them they should accept it and not be twats

Uh. All your reasons are perfectly valid! I would begrudge going now

[Tryharder]

I think your DH should go.

[narna]

YANBU They are selfish gits,tell them you will go if they pay,a real friend wouldn't ask someone to get into debt to attend their wedding...

[Imnotdarrellrivers]

Well they ABU - to use there words - true friends would understand and accept a legit reason for not being able to attend. (DP bro2 was best man at a wedding in USA but couldn't go because of newborn, the friend accepted that, your DH friend should too)
But your DH could go by himself, and (well I wouldn't want to do this but you could) if DH decides he can't go you can always pay for you all to go for a slap up meal/fancy homecooked meal in/drinks out to make it up to them

[wherearemysocks]

Do they live abroad or just going abroad for the wedding?

If they are just going abroad for the wedding then they should accept that not everyone can afford to go. If they are so keen for particular friends and family to attend then they should have the wedding closer to home (assuming that they don't live abroad).

Me and dh got married in Italy and so not everyone on our invite list was able to attend, so we had a party when we got home to include everyone who hadn't been able to come. My best friend and bridesmaid was a student at the time so I did help pay for some of her expenses as of course I really wanted her to be there and it was our choice to get married abroad.

They abu, I didn't get into debt for my own wedding, never mind to attend anyone elses.

[ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld]

Well you've found out that this pair of twats are not true friends. True friends would never expect you to get into debt for their wedding. I don't think either of you should go, why should you get into debt?

[browneyesblue]

YANBU. It would be silly to get into debt just to attend a wedding.

If people decide to get married away from home, they should accept that some people may not be able to attend.

[snippywoo2]

My only suggestion is that DH goes alone, but he says he doesnt want to (hes scared of flying).

It sounds like it's nothing to do with family finances, he just doesnt want to go on a plane on his own. Surely he will be flying over their with the rest of his mates and wont be alone.

[snippywoo2]

Is the friend actually inviting/expecting all of you there or has he only asked his bessie mate your DH to attend as his best man?

[iscream]

Oh well, if they are like that then they are not really good friends.

[ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs]

Looks like you've got your answer. Your friend is being VU in my opinion.
Could your DH go with the rest of the wedding party? Would travelling in a group make his fear less?

[troisgarcons]

You really need to be brutal and say "look, we don't have the money and we won't get into debt". In need, follow that with "I can't afford to take unpaid leave from work"

[Thumbwitch]

YANBU - your DH's friend and his fiancée are being ridiculous.

He's also being extremely immature - assuming that his wedding is so much more important than you and your DP's lives (as in finances, work commitments, children etc.) What arrogance! And then to make snidey comments about "true friends" - well yes. He's right. He is not a true friend, so stuff him.

Your DH probably doesn't want to go on his own anyway, regardless of flying ishoos - but in reality that's the only option if any of you are to go at all.

I'd tell him where to stick it personally but it depends on your DH.

[catsmother]

Totally agree with Thumbwitch. Even if DH conquers his fear of flying, that still leaves the issue of going into debt to fund this trip. To be "off" with someone who's supposedly a friend because they won't incur debt on someone else's behalf - whatever the reason, and, let's face it, a wedding isn't life or death is it ? - is disgustingly arrogant. With that attitude, I'd actually be furious with my DH if he decided to go anyway ... because in your current circumstances he'd be spending money you haven't got in order to appease a pair of spoilt brats, when the only "acceptable" reason for going into debt should be for something which benefits the whole family (and is ideally a necessity not a luxury, which this would be).

If this couple were real friends they'd sympathise with your situation and realise it was no slight on them at all. If DH being there is so vital perhaps they'd like to pay for him to go and/or go into debt themselves to make it happen !

[ZillionChocolate]

You would be unreasonable to go. If they wanted DH as best man they should have held the wedding somewhere convenient. They'll get over being so precious, eventually

[Wamster]

YANBU. To be honest, the groom sounds a bit moronic; I really think that people who pay so much attention to weddings are moronic if they think their 'big day' is the be all and end all of everything and that everybody else should fall in line even if it is obviously difficult for them- as it is you here.
You are very polite in that you have avoided telling them to f* off. Believe me, I myself am very, very tempted to do so whenever somebody personally attacks me about not being able to attend a wedding. I don't actually say swear words but I do tell them to get lost in a polite way!

[squeezemebakingpowder]

What ZillionChocolate said!
YANBU

[mckenzie]

I unfortunately lost a friend over a similar situation when we had to decline her kind invite to her wedding. We had a young baby, it required two days travel either way, baby was not welcome at the wedding but I was breast feeding so needed to come with us, only hotel to stay in was enormously expensive (to us anyway). Needless to say we explained the situation and didn't go and friendship never recovered. I found out afterwards that lots of people had declined, for similar reasons to ours, and that was a factor in her response. Could that be the case here?

[LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn]

If people decide to get married abroad they have to accept that not everyone will be able to make it.

[Wamster]

Yes, it could be a case of the pair of them being so narcissistic and self-absorbed in their 'big day' that they do not consider others.
Common enough phenomenon, although really unusual in a man. Is your dh's mate a bit of a wimp?

[x2boys]

A good friend of mine got married in cyprus and whilst i would of loved to see her get married like you we could nt afford it she comletley understood though and of her friends who did go it was the ones who were single and childless sounds like your friends are the unreasonable ones.

[NestaFiesta]

YANBU.

The groom is emotionally blackmailing your DH. It's immensely selfish of a bride and groom to expect people to go through adversities (going into debt, using up Annual leave, 2 days travelling with kids) because of THEIR wedding choices.

I'd be sending the groom an email along the lines of your opening post. Anyone who doesn't show a little understanding after that is not worthy of being called a friend. Your reasons are valid.

[x2boys]

also my sister,s brother in law and his wife got married in the carribean non of his family could attend due to financial reasons so they had a big party when they got home their wedding their choice but they did,nt expect people to get in debt for them.

[ViviPru]

I'd be interested to hear the OPs PoV in the light of these responses, I suspect she was well aware she is not being unreasonable, but just wanted it confirming and perhaps some concrete reasons to clarify the situation in her own mind.

Well here's another. My best friend is getting married abroad (outside of Europe too) for no other reason than they 'fancy it'. OH & I have forgone any foreign travel for the last few years for a specific saving goal, OH does not currently have an income so funds are stretched and this particular destination is pretty much bottom of the places we'd choose to go as its extremely overpriced, I've been before and I don't like city breaks. Its going to cost thousands all told, suffice to say we soul searched about going, and my BF would have understood had we declined.

But overriding all of that is the fact that I couldn't bear the thought of not being present at his wedding (we've been through everything together) so we booked the flights and time off work. BUT I have felt physically sick about it on more than one occasion as I'm not sure we have made the right decision.

SO, stick to your guns, don't feel bad and make your ultimate priority protecting your relationship with your DH whatever the outcome here.