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to seek advice on the state of my marriage?

(13 Posts)
Nuyorica Mon 29-Aug-11 23:21:39

Hello all

I have posted this in relationships but have only received only 1 response - am prepared to get flamed but this is a genuine request for advice.....

In a nutshell, I feel that I have fallen out of love with my husband, and am hoping from some advice, words of wisdom, or anything really that might give me a bit of clarity on what to do.

To give you a bit of background, we have been together 8 years, and had our first daughter after being together for only a year, so she is now 7. Our younger daughter is 2.5.

He is 12 years older than me, and we are very different in many ways- he is physically very large, is really loud, confident and uncomplicated in his approach to life, a bit of a big kid really. He works hard during the week but at weekends he is pretty lazy and a self confessed slob. I am small, quite reserved, a bit anal about the state of the house, and tend to over analyse everything!

He is very kind, generous to a fault, and totally dotes on me and the kids, but over the last couple of years, my attraction towards him has waned dramatically, to the point where our sex life is non existent and I have become very irritated by him and hyper critical, which I hate being like.

I think the age gap has started to become a bit of a problem, in that as he has got older his health has started to decline and he's put on a fair bit if weight, and he is no longer the life and soul of the party as he was when we met.

I suspect that really it's me that has changed though, as when we met I was only 26 and was a bit swept away by his ott personality and the fact that he introduced me to a more grown up, lavish way of life, but now, in my mid 30s, I just can't see us growing old together.

I have tried to be as honest as I can - without being hurtful- about my feelings and he has said that if it weren't for the kids he would probably have walked away from the relationship, as despite still loving me, he is fed up with feeling so unloved.

We have arranged to start counselling next week, and I am hoping there is some way to salvage our relationship but I have felt like this at the end of relationships before and am not sure it's possible to reignite an extinguished flame.

Is it selfish to put my feelings before those of our kids? Although I do not feel happy with the way things are there is no abuse, and although he has a bit of a short fuse at times, he would never hurt me or the kids. Should I just stifle my feelings and get on with it ?

Is it unrealistic to hope that we could split amicably and not hurt the kids too badly in the process?

My parents had a messy divorce and although the circumstances were different as there was infidelity involved, I would hate for my kids to feel the way I did. I also have a lot of friends who are single parents so am under no illusions about how hard going it alone would potentially be.

I would love to know if any of you have been in this situation and what your experiences are, or even if you haven't, any advice you may have.

Thanks for listening.

bellabelly Mon 29-Aug-11 23:51:31

"but I have felt like this at the end of relationships before and am not sure it's possible to reignite an extinguished flame."

I think this is different though, as you have kids together - so a massive incentive to stay and try to make things work out. You have nothing to lose by trying. What you've said may have hurt your DH BUT being honest and trying to "deal" with the situation is much fairer in the long term than suddenly announcing one day (when you've really had enough) that you are leaving.

My Dh and I split up briefly, pre-kids (about 8 years after we first got together...) - I won't go into details but we had some counselling, talked things through and slowly, slowly got our marriage back together. I'm so very glad that we did. It might not happen for you but just wanted to let you know that it is certainly possible to fall back in love all over again. ANd if it doesn't work out that way, then at least you'll know you gave it o best shot instead of wondering "what if...?" Hope that all makes sense and wishing you lots of luck for a happy future however things pan out.

anon2011 Mon 29-Aug-11 23:52:42

Do you feel affection towards him, even if it isn't "romantic love". If you care for him, could you work on everything else? If not then you are being unfair to him, and he deserves better, as do you.

spanishbint Mon 29-Aug-11 23:58:02

hello i am sorry to hear about ur relationship but you are only young make ur mind up and go for what you want it might seem hard now but somewhere along that line you will make it feel right i have stuck it now for 40 odd years and regret not doing anything about it thinking of the kids now at 64 it's to late for me so think off urself your kids will grow up and you will still be in that rut so go out and do it

Nuyorica Tue 30-Aug-11 08:00:44

Thank you for your kind words. I will certainly do all I can to make things work between us and have found it helpful getting it all "out there", and hearing of your experiences.

Callisto Tue 30-Aug-11 08:10:14

Marraige isn't about love and romance and being swept off your feet so I would try and come to terms with that for a start. Sounds like you have a basically good man and father who adores both you and your children. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your whole relationship and put it on a more realistic footing. I'm afraid that men fart and smell and are lazy and piss you off. But the quid pro quo is that you are part of a team, you can rely on your husband when you are ill/knackered/generally up against it and you always have someone on your side.

You need to keep the lines of communication open - it is essential that you keep talking to each other so counselling will help there. As for re-igniting the flame, I think that an unfit/fat husband would be a big turn-off for me too. Suggest the gym or swimming or just get out there with him and go hiking or whatever.

Good luck.

Mitmoo Tue 30-Aug-11 08:12:45

I am not sure there is much I can add, I assume you have already tried going back to some basics, taking the pressure off to have sex but just going out maybe holding hands, having time away from the children for a night or two, not expecting to much from each other.

Perhaps with the counsellors help you can put some rules in place to reestablish a new relationship and if that doesn't work out then I believe it is better for the children not to have two unhappy parents.

troisgarcons Tue 30-Aug-11 08:13:48

He is very kind, generous to a fault, and totally dotes on me and the kids

A lot of women out there would give their right arm to meet a bloke like the one that adores you and his family.

The grass isn't greener - beware what you wish for.

Marriage is hard work; it has it's ups and downs and both people have to want to make it work.

OverthehillsandfarawayNL Tue 30-Aug-11 08:19:36

I agree. There is no such thing as a divorce that doesn't do damage in some way. Of course when the marriage is doing damage then it's worth it - but that isn't the case with you. You're just bored and you think you could do better. Well that's a big risk to take with your daughter's lives!

marriedinwhite Tue 30-Aug-11 08:25:45

The worrying thing for me in your post is the referral to his age - he must have been 38 when you met - in his absolute prime and you went for the more lavish lifestyle. Well, 8 years on his prime is passing away and perhaps he is eating a bit more to make up for feeling unloved and because you have made him unhappy. Nothing stays the same - at 46 you won't feel quite as bright or sparky as you did at 34.

My advice would be to value what you have and try to make him a bit happier. Nothing stays the same - have been with my DH for 23 years and there are good times and bad times, times when I've thought you look a bit off - times when he's said "tidy the place up a bit". You cannot, however, turn the clock back and you have to accept the fact that your DH has got a bit older.

This man has given you two children, his prime and presumably a better life than you would have had straight away with a younger man. I think you need to have a good, hard look at yourself.

Animation Tue 30-Aug-11 08:31:54

"Well, 8 years on his prime is passing away and perhaps he is eating a bit more to make up for feeling unloved and because you have made him unhappy" If he's piled on the pounds thats HIS responsibility. You can't blame the OP ....or his age!

margerykemp Tue 30-Aug-11 08:33:31

Trois- I dont think doting on ones own family should be some added bonus of extraordinary men. Dps and dads who arent like this dont deserve their families.

Op- dont sell yourself short and accept 2nd best.

ThePosieParker Tue 30-Aug-11 08:33:48

I'm astounded at the response. You no longer love him, you don't feel attracted either. This is a terrible thing to face for the rest of your life. Why would you be attracted to someone who has completely let themselves go? Put on loads of weight and lounges around the house like a slob?

I would ask him to get up and shake it a bit, lose some weight, get happy and get living. Give him six months to make a change or you're out ready for Spring.

The trouble is if you stay you may be too old yourself by the time you leave to really carve out a new life. Marriage is a commitment but not a sentence, you deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

Just because he doesn't beat you doesn't mean he deserves you.

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