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to go ballistic and/or consider taking DS out of creche

(51 Posts)
WakeUpRosemary Mon 29-Aug-11 21:19:31

I've posted this in Parenting but it's a bit slow over there and I need a bit of advice!

I posted a few months ago about an issue I had with my son's creche. He's 3.10 and had been bitten about three times in two weeks by a particular child. I was concerned that it had happened so many times. He told me who did it and I spoke to the manager to ask what kind of procedure they had in these cases. She wasn't particularly helpful and got quite defensive.

However, DS hasn't been bitten since and he's generally happy in the creche so I let it be.

Today he was bitten again. My DH picked him up and was told there had been another incident. He said, 'oh I hope we're not going through this again!' or something to that effect. He was told that it was a different child that had bitten DS.

We later asked DS in a light-hearted way who had bitten him. He said, 'their name is 'I don't know''. We'd been joking about something similar recently so I didn't think much of it. Then, just before he went to bed, he told me he'd been bitten. I asked who did it and he said, 'I can't tell you'. I paused for a second and said, 'Did someone tell you not to tell me?' and straight away he said, 'Yes' and told me the name of a carer in the creche. He didn't pause or smirk or laugh. He was very serious and I believe him.

I'm absolutely furious. It's not the biting I'm worried about. I know young children do it and I thought it had been sorted out. It's the fact that this woman put my DS in the position of lying to me. He looked so worried. I just told him that if someone tells him not to tell me something that he should tell me because it's my job to keep him safe. I let it go at that. He still hasn't told me who bit him so he's obviously a bit torn about things.

I've persuaded DH to come with me to the creche in the morning to confront them.

Am I over-reacting? I'd love to know what other people would do? I feel like I want to take him out of the creche altogether although he's been happy there for so long. I'm starting college in a few weeks. He'll only be in creche three days but I need to know he's safe and happy. I don't have much time to find him somewhere else so I need to decide soon.

Sorry this was very long.

bubblesincoffee Mon 29-Aug-11 21:24:17

You are not over reacting. Telling a child to lie to their parents is one of those things that you just don't do. Ever. It is despicable.

I'd complain and then complain some more, and if that member of staff was allowed to keep their job, I'd take it to OFSTED.

It's a much bigger issue than the biting.

worraliberty Mon 29-Aug-11 21:24:44

I'm struggling with it to be honest

Kids don't make great liars at that age and normally if you tell them not to tell Mum or Dad....that's the first thing they do!

I'd leave it til you've spoken to the staff as it could be a mix up or misunderstanding so no point in stressing just yet.

piprabbit Mon 29-Aug-11 21:25:12

I think I remember your previous post, and I think that if staff are encouraging your DS to lie to you in order to make their own lives easier then you are absolutely right to try and get to the bottom of the matter.

I would also be looking for alternative childcare as a priority.

I hope you get some satisfactory answers when you visit the creche.

MissVerinder Mon 29-Aug-11 21:25:45

I don't think YABU, if he has been coached to lie, and it sounds like he probably has.

Speak to the nursery manager, and ask them what they think about the situation, and if you get no joy from them, consider shaking the Ofsted stick and see what drops out.

Fuchzia Mon 29-Aug-11 21:25:53

Yanbu! Telling a child that is a completely innapropriate thing for any carer to have done you should raise merry he'll with this persons manager. You don needs to know that no other adult should be asking him to keep secrets from his parents.

coccyx Mon 29-Aug-11 21:26:31

would it have been recorded in an incident book

TeamEdward Mon 29-Aug-11 21:26:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fuchzia Mon 29-Aug-11 21:27:00

'Son' and 'hell' stupid iPhone

TeamEdward Mon 29-Aug-11 21:28:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 29-Aug-11 21:29:04

D0n't go ballisitc. Go in icily cold and tell them you know that your child has been told to not tell you who did it and you are going to go to X to report them. You can't send him back there at all.

MmeLindor. Mon 29-Aug-11 21:29:34

The only thing I am confused about is why they would have told your DH that there had been a biting incident, when they had told your DS to lie? What were they hoping to achieve?

Definitely go and speak to the manager and ask for an explanation.

Are you happy with the creche, other than this?

GossipWitch Mon 29-Aug-11 21:30:54

Omg I would certainly have words! its not like a three year old to tell lies unless its to get themselves out of trouble, yanbu whatsoever !!!

wellthatsdoneit Mon 29-Aug-11 21:33:07

Perhaps there were teeth marks MmeL.

YANBU OP.

pigletmania Mon 29-Aug-11 21:33:55

YANBU that is unacceptable and unprofessional, telling a child to lie like that. I would remove him from that creche and yes report to OFSTEAD.

MmeLindor. Mon 29-Aug-11 21:36:33

Wellthatsdoneit
Yes, that is what is confusing me. Why would they tell him to lie, when it was clear that his parents would find out?

Or was it two different people?

hocuspontas Mon 29-Aug-11 21:36:49

Get the facts first!

A pre-schooler invariably gets time-lines wrong. A few hours could have elapsed between the biting and someone telling him not to tell anyone and the latter could have been about a different matter to the biting. e.g. him having some chocolate when he shouldn't have done and jokingly being told 'not to tell mummy'. I'm not saying this is what happened but get the other side to the story first!

MadamDeathstare Mon 29-Aug-11 21:37:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

debivamp Mon 29-Aug-11 21:38:04

I agree with previous post - quick phone call tomorrow to Ofstead. This needs to be sorted!!!

SeniorWrangler Mon 29-Aug-11 21:38:59

I would not necessarily remove my child, but I would complain to the uber-boss verbally and in writing tomorrow, and also ask to see a copy of their biting policy. I would send my child in until the matter had been properly dealt with and the member of staff concerned disciplined if necessary.

SeniorWrangler Mon 29-Aug-11 21:39:14

would not send my child in

RedHelenB Mon 29-Aug-11 21:39:59

If you hadn't asked him did someone tell you to keep quiet I would be more inclined to believe him, but it's probable he just said the name of his carer automatically. If you are unhappy with the nursery look for somewhere else but hitting & biting do happen anywhere.

Donkeyswife Mon 29-Aug-11 21:40:00

I would be furious too!!! Go in first thing and speak to the person concerned with his/her manager present (then you can't be accused of saying something you didn't). Say you have a very serious concern and need to speak to x now with the manager present. If you don't get a satisfactory answer, say you will be lodging a formal complaint. If I were you, I'd do this first and then wait and see what happens. Then make a decision about taking your child out. You could report the creche to OFSTED but I'd wait and see what happens with speaking to the manager/person concerned first and then writing a formal complaint. Best of luck.

CombineArvester Mon 29-Aug-11 21:40:54

Ok this all sounds a bit odd. Bear in mind though that 3 year olds sometimes do get things wrong and will tell what we think of as 'lies' if they feel under pressure or if they feel they are supplying the answer the adult wants to hear..he may have looked very worried because your stress/ anxiety over the issue was obvious to him.

So when he said 'I can't tell you' you should've said 'why not' rather than your next very leading question, 'has someone told you not to tell me'. I'm afraid seeing that you asked that question, his answer can't really be relied upon.

However the fact that you jumped to the conclusion with no other evidence that the creche told your son to lie to you must mean that there is a history here somewhere and your relationship of trust with them has completely broken down. For that reason you should take him out of this creche.

TheDreamWeaver Mon 29-Aug-11 21:41:59

God, that post really got my heart racing, I'm SO angry for you. YANBU, and you need to act. Sleep on it (if you CAN sleep) and make sure you go in calmly and speak directly to the manager. Make sure you don't go in all guns blazing as they will likely just close ranks. Perhaps your DH may be better in control of himself going in? AND/OR put your complaint in writing...email is good, as it leaves a trace. Is it a private nursery?
Take him out immediately until this is resolved to your satisfaction. Make them aware that you are removing him and why, and that there will be no costs paid to them.
I'm sure plenty others will be along to give more advice, but I really don't think you are over reacting AT ALL.

The repercussions of having tried to encourage a child to withhold information from its parents are far reaching and horrifying.

You would be SO upset with yourself if you fail to act now and put your child as number one priority.

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