To want to tell my ex like it is

[Mitmoo]

But I won't before I get started on. He took my son out today for the first time in over a month, they had only been out for thirty minutes before my son called me in tears asking me to pick him up from the back of beyond that Dad has already gone mental at him for doing nothing that was his fault, calling him a useless little shit son has self esteem issues, OCD and ASD and this crap just destroys him. Ex has form for this. Ex tried to apologise as he knew he was in the wrong but son was rightly having none of it and I picked him up to give him a good day out, so he wasn't left with someone who had been verbally abusive, apologised too late, and could have more positive memories from the day.

I'm sick of picking up the pieces but I love my son so will continue to do so.

AIBU?

[FabbyChic]

I'd ask your son if he wants to carry on seeing his father, then if not cut the contact, it isn't fair for a child to have to go through such a trauma just because they are with the absent parent.

[toddlerama]

Sounds awful, but I don't understand the question. Are you questioning your reasonableness in picking up the pieces? I would say YANBU to stop him seeing your son without support from some one who doesn't lose it like that.

[GlitterySkulls]

does your son want to go with his dad? if his dad's always so horrible, i can't see what positive things your son gets from contact.

[HerHissyness]

There ARE no positives to him being in the company of one who tries to destroy him like this.

If your DS doesn't want to see him, stop all contact.

[mankymink]

Yes you ABU in wanting to continue to "pick up the pieces" rather than improve the situation ie. cut contact at least for a while and ensure the father works out his fucking issues, for the sake of your son.

[Mitmoo]

If the pattern goes true to form my son will be angry for a few weeks, then soften, miss his Dad and call him. Dad doesn't deserve such a forgiving child but then I am thankful he is a child who doesn't hold endless grudges.

I know if I tell the ex what a useless hurtful piece of excrement he is that it will only make me feel better for a short time but make no real long term difference so I will keep quiet no matter how hard it is

[HerRoyalNotness]

You should tell your ex how it is. How old is your DS? I'd be asking him, as others have suggested, if he wants to see his "dad" at all.

"dad" - a dad wouldn't treat their child in this way.

[reelingintheyears]

He also took HIS son out for the day...

Not just your son..

I wonder...

[Mitmoo]

I have cut all contact before when son was younger, now he is 14 I try to leave it up to him and support him in whatever decisions he makes.

Dad wont sort out his issues, I have to be led by what my child wants I guess at his age. Right now he is just severaly racked off with him.

[defrocked]

i get the impression we never get the full story here

shrugs, meh

[reelingintheyears]

Mitmoo...your DS is 14....

He can decide when and if he wants to go out with his Dad by himself.

[HerHissyness]

OK, so YOU are the parent, if you see someone deliberately hurting your child, cos he can, what are you going to do about it?

Your DS clearly is going to struggle standing up to this bully, so YOU have to.

WHY NOT tell him that under no circumstances is he to treat your DS like this, that it is cruel, hurtful and harmful abuse and you will NOT allow him to do this to your son.

TBH, not holding endless grudges against a truly heinous 'father' like this will actually cause your DS more strife, hurt and damage over the course of his life time. His esteem will suffer, he will be hurt, damaged and it will have adverse affects on his character.

Until you can teach him to stand up for himself, repel this negative and toxic parenting, then tbh, it's ill-advised to allow contact.

If you don't tell this clown how it is, then you are somehow letting it slide. OK so he might not ever change his behaviour, but he won't ever do so if you don't call the fucker out on every single shitty thing he does to your darling son.

Put your son above everyone else and fight like a bear for him. It'll show him that his father has no right to behave, and it'll show him that there are some things WORTH kicking off about, even if it won't make a twat like this change.

To say nothing, on some level, normalises it. Your DS deserves wayyyy better than this prick.

[Mitmoo]

REELING he is our son when he treats him like a son, when he treats him like crap he is my son. Fathers and Dad's don't treat their son's like crap, same for mothers, when he does that he loses the right IMO to be treated like a proper father. When he is abusive even verbally to his son, he doesn't deserve to be included in our child, because he is not being a father.

[Mitmoo]

Her hissy I have spent years telling this plank how it is. Years in court even. You are so right, time for me to protect my son yet again, I did it when he was younger, tried to let him make his own decisions when he is older, 14, but ex keeps abusing it.

He is upsetting my son, so time to take action, just not sure what it is right now.

I should be led by my son, at the same time I should tell ex to boil his head. Son willl want to see Dad again eventually.

[mumsamilitant]

What a dilema OP and what a lovely mum you sound. Unfortunately, children love their parents no matter what. I wouldn't say stop contact totally but could you maybe put rules in place, ie. yes, he can see his son but only to take him out for short bursts of time, for something to eat then home again, pictures near by, then home again?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Sounds like your son knows exactly which buttons to press.

[mumsamilitant]

sorry BoneyBack, what do you mean by that? Her son knows what buttons to press? Did you read the dilema?

[slightlyunbalanced]

Immaculate conception was it?

He is a child not a possession he belongs to no one.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

mumsamilitant

I read the dilema and know that its half a story (possibly less than that) told second hand by a caring and upset parent.

[mankymink]

Well said, HerHissyness, well said.

[defrocked]

OP are you a tad jealous that your son wants a relationship with his dad? would you prefer it if he hated him as much as you do? (Im sure you wouldnt be the first). Do you slag dad off in front of son? Do you encourage your son to keep running back to you at the first sign of a problem? Why dont you just let them work out their differences, your lad is old enough now to start doing that. Last time dad took him away, you were laying down rules and mithering from way beforehand, as soon as he went you were encouraging the boy to continually contact you, and you werent really happy until it all went tits up and you were called in to ride in on your white charger and rescue the lad, once again.

Give them a chance. It really is in your sons best interests, however much it galls you and makes you furious.

I cant be doing with parents using their kids as pawns in their battles :(

[mumsamilitant]

oh here we go! get the fuck back to pendant corner!

[mumsamilitant]

OP, please take no notice of the nastys on here! Probably pissed as farts and sooo unhappy in their own lives they have to give a whole pile of shit on the net.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

??

[squeakytoy]

Your son seemed quite happy when they went away together a couple of weeks ago.

I do get the feeling that you resent your ex having anytime with HIS son...