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to think wedding gifts should not be like this...

(172 Posts)
kallima Mon 29-Aug-11 15:48:29

I'm a Brit who lives in Ireland. My DP and I have been invited to a couple of weddings over here, one a very good friend of his and the other an acquaintance - i.e. he has never met the wife.

I brought up the topic of what we would give for gifts and was absolutely dumbstruck when he told me the 'going rate' over here was a minimum of ?100 per person! There are no gift lists and cash is expected.

So between us we are giving ?300 to the good friend, and ?200 to the acquaintance, on top of travel, hotels etc. Blimey!

AIBU to think that these are ridiculous sums to give and to really dislike the whole 'expectation' surrounding it??

kallima Mon 29-Aug-11 15:48:56

those questions marks should have been euro symbols!

pranma Mon 29-Aug-11 15:51:21

Absolutely ridiculous-nonsense too-most people have a gift list and as far as I know no-one asks for money.Those sums would be appropriate for a close relative.£100 is enough to spend on friend and £20-£50 on acquaintance.The sums you mention are embarrassing!!

Bestb411pm Mon 29-Aug-11 15:52:50

Were you told this by the groom or someone else?

If the former, this is the kind of situation I would proudly buy them a toaster (2 slices only) and look them in the eye for a thank you.

BoscoIsMyLover Mon 29-Aug-11 15:53:29

Yes, apparently this is written into our constitution here.... hmm

No we dont do lists here (how american) but we do not expect money for gifts or any gift at all. I think if your friend is expecting money, that is your friends issue, not an Irish one. Plus bear in mind, we recently came back from an English wedding that had a wishing well at the top table, you were expected to queue, give your blessings to the b&g and then put a card in the well full o cash...not cool.

WilsonFrickett Mon 29-Aug-11 15:54:07

A friend told me years ago that your gift should be in proportion to the amount spent on you at the wedding, don't know if that helps or not? I have to say I would never give cash though, that's really not the point of a wedding gift at all. If there's no gift list, buy them some towels grin

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Mon 29-Aug-11 15:54:17

I think I'll get married again. It's been 24 years since I had a wedding present.
OP, YANBU. I haven't been to a wedding for about 5 years, in fact the last one I was at, my DD was a bridesmaid and it was in Spain.
We didn't (as far as I remember) get them a present. Our presence was sufficient.

DizzyKipper Mon 29-Aug-11 15:54:17

YANBU, just give whatever you're comfortable with giving.

BoscoIsMyLover Mon 29-Aug-11 15:56:10

Having said that, this was covered on the radio before. Apparenty some wedding website gave the advice that if you were going to a wedding solo, €100 was the norm, a couple pay €150 between them. This website was full of absolute crap which ranged from telling guests not to wear dresses from certain shops to keeping ugly people out of the pictures. Nice.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Mon 29-Aug-11 15:56:40

My BIL says the same. I'm always amazed at how much they are expected to give as a wedding gift. I suspect it's the circles you mix in rather than a general Irish thing though.

scuzy Mon 29-Aug-11 15:58:37

i live in ireland and getting a wedding invite is like getting a big bill in the post. the amount of money you have to fork out on a present (money is the going rate seldom i hear of people buying presents) and then a hotel for night, perhaps babysitting costs, new outfit etc its crazy!!

grin @ bestb411pm very good!!

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Mon 29-Aug-11 15:58:42

I did laugh at the well o cash. Brilliant.

scuzy Mon 29-Aug-11 16:00:37

no no - it seems to be an irish thing, not the circles we mix in. but people are getting more wise with the times we are in now and not giving as much.

defrocked Mon 29-Aug-11 16:00:42

I dont follow like a sheep. I also dont do "whats expected"

if i want to give a £20 gift, I will. If I want to give a £10 gift I will

if they arent grateful, well then they arent friends are they

Lizcat Mon 29-Aug-11 16:01:01

I was as delighted with the £2.50 baking tray as I was with the the £90 casserole dish. For me think of the individuals who gave them to me each time I use them. Recently we have bought a range of things:-
Our closest friends we bought them a £160 case of wine which will be ready to drink on their 10th Wedding Anniversary (DH is a bit of a wine guru).
My business partner's daughter I bought a crystal candle holder for £40.

kallima Mon 29-Aug-11 16:01:12

No wedding lists for either of these weddings - honestly - I asked! Would love to rock up with a toaster, but they aren't directly my friends, so I can't..

I've asked a few work colleagues here who all confirm that 100 euro pp is going rate!

I have put my foot down over the acquaintance wedding and refused to cough up - i only met the groom for approx 10 secs in the pub once!

scuzy Mon 29-Aug-11 16:02:00

BoscoIsMyLover that sounds very "Goodfellas" mafia style wedding with sacks of money swinging around the place.

zukiecat Mon 29-Aug-11 16:02:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scuzy Mon 29-Aug-11 16:04:04

kallima your right ... fgs you only met the guy briefly. go with a sticker saying "love from Mr and Mrs Kallima" and stick it on the biggest box on the wedding gift table.

Visitor57 Mon 29-Aug-11 16:04:57

There has been a tendency in Ireland to give cash rather then presents as people have been living together, have the house set up etc., but it is by no means the rule. I would ignore the "expectations" and give what I can afford either in cash or gift. You are not being unreasonable to do this, you are being sensible. Don't get sucked in to this, I think it's often the guests who put this pressure on themselves (fear of looking mean) rather then the couple. Certainly, I was extremely grateful for any cash/voucher gifts regardless of amount. (I was also grateful for most of the household goods presents except the fake flower arrangement and the fondue set).

sqweegiebeckenheim Mon 29-Aug-11 16:05:18

I heard something on the radio here on going rate for weddings .... one caller had received an invite with 'minimum contribution €250' and 'no coast dresses' on it.

People usually go by the rule ' cover the cost of the meal + fifty euro on top' . madness. In saying that, weddings in Ireland seem to cost so much more than in the UK. Possibly cos everyone has about 76 first cousins. My best friend got married in Wicklow and the whole bash cost approx 40k.

BoscoIsMyLover Mon 29-Aug-11 16:07:50

scuzy I know!! And the invite came with a twee little card about how their home is complete and they dont want two toasters so if we drop a card with cash in the wishing well we would have our wish come true...I wont tell you what I wished for...

The bride and groom are not going to expect the money at all. Because us Irish tend not to do lists, this roumer of what is acceptable gift wise has grown, and grown. Give what you can. If you dont want to give money, drop a present up to them.

kallima Mon 29-Aug-11 16:08:08

sqweegie - that's true re costing more here. I've never got married, here or in the UK, but I asked my DP how much he thought the venue would cost and he said 25k !! I was like WTF???? Seemed a ridiculous amount to me!

scuzy Mon 29-Aug-11 16:09:21

oi! i do not have 76 first cousins! the cheek! lol

but yeah the cost of weddings are mental these days. buy a gift dont go with the norm and spend what you only can afford. the whole idea of weddings, communions, christenings are lost these days arent they .... tis all a money racket.

BoscoIsMyLover Mon 29-Aug-11 16:10:11

Those days are long gone, you can have a reception now for about 5 grand. sometimes less. Thats about 100 people.

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