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AIBU to not get married - DP says I am

(80 Posts)
Imnotdarrellrivers Mon 29-Aug-11 14:53:52

Right - this is causing friction between me and DP so really AIBU?

We have been together of nearly 12 years (I'm 30 he's 32) Expecting first DC in december.

About 5 years ago he started asking (I mean bringing it up not actually proposing) about marriage. My thing has always been that I was too young, didn't want to get married at 25, we where moving house, new job etc. He excepted that.

And it has come up systematically ever since. More so since we found out I'm pregnant.

Now there is no doubt in my mind that he is 'it', and that we will <cross fingers> always be together ect.

But over the last few years (more so now in the last months or so) he has become adament that we should be married. He uses every reason in the book easier, makes things simpler etc but it is more than that He really really wants to be married, to be someones husband to have a wife etc.

My excuses to him have always been just that excuses. Really I have an adversion to being married (usual thing saw parents messy messy divorce as a teenager, dad never remarried, mums remarried twice and is always telling me this is the one. Brother married young divorced about a year later etc) DP on other hand wants what his parents have (35 years and counting). He has happy thoughts of marriage, I have only negative/upsetting thoughts about it

It is now causing arguments almost constantly, with DP saying that IABU because basically I don't want to be married, I never have and I don't think I ever will

So really AIBU?

greengirl87 Mon 29-Aug-11 14:58:12

i don think you are but im also of the not wanting to get married because of parents divorce group! i dont think its unreasonable at all to not want to commit to something that you dont believe in. does he really want to push you to marry him if he knows its not really what you want? in my opinion that would cause more bother!

defrocked Mon 29-Aug-11 14:59:30

if you have a kid and a house, if you split up it will be just as messy and upsetting unmarried as married

if one of you kicks the bucket, it can be very messy indeed

bubblesincoffee Mon 29-Aug-11 14:59:43

YANBU but neither is he.

Except it is very unfair of you to have kept making excuses when you really knew that you are unlikely to ever want to marry when you knew that he did. Very selfish behaviour. You should have told him from the start, or at least as soon as you began to realise that you are unlikely to ever want to marry so that he was free to make the choice to stay with you or not. It sounds like you want it all your own way.

There are lots of benefits to being married, especially when you have a child, and your dp probably has a good point. Your relationship/marriage is what you make of it, you are not a clone of your parents, and now you have a child to consider, any break up could be just as difficult as if you were married.

RedHotPokers Mon 29-Aug-11 15:01:45

Possibly IABU, but if you know he is the one, and it means SO much to him, would you not consider it?

DoMeDon Mon 29-Aug-11 15:04:08

YAB a bit daft. It means a lot to him, doesn't to you. Why not let him have his happiness? Splitting up happens with or without the ring.

An0therName Mon 29-Aug-11 15:04:24

I wasn't keen on the idea of marriage but I think it makes things loads simpler if you do split up
look into the legal side -remember there is no such thing as common law wife/husband

Katisha Mon 29-Aug-11 15:05:41

You are in a much better position legally if you are married and one of you dies. Various long-standing non-marryers on MN have got married just for this reason.

sancerrre Mon 29-Aug-11 15:09:03

I was the same as you and eventually gave in. I think the thing that persuaded me in the end was the legal side of things - he becomes your next of kin and can make decisions for you if you're unable (I live a long way from family).

AMumInScotland Mon 29-Aug-11 15:09:15

YANBU - but you need to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart about why you don't want to, so that he can understand. He thinks marriage is a good thing, which would be "the icing on the cake" for your relationship, and he probably can't understand why you wouldn't want that. He probably wonders if you are as committed to the relationship, if you see this as permanent, etc - just look at the threads on here from women unhappy that their man doesn't want marriage, and you'll see how they doubt their partners intentions.

I'm not suggesting you're not completely committed - but he deserves to understand why your lack of enthusiasm about marriage isn't connected to anything like that.

RueyBoey Mon 29-Aug-11 15:10:47

Okay so you have an adversion to getting married but he obviously wants to. Would he be happy with the two of you, jumping on a bus and going to a registary office and dragging 2 people of the street as witnesses?
Heck you wouldn't even need to tell people you got married
But really giving him excuses for the past 5 years is unreasonable. But equally you not wanting to is not unreasonable.
You are legally much better of just doing it.

Ephiny Mon 29-Aug-11 15:11:37

YANBU, but do make sure you both understand your financial legal situation (e.g. what would happen in the case of a split) and are happy with it, and have any necessary paperwork in place.

Or - you could get quietly married, doesn't need to be a big fuss, and it would take care of the legal side of things all in one go, and probably wouldn't make a big difference to your everyday life! And would make your DP happy.

I do kind of understand how you feel though. I've never wanted to be married either (though I am slightly getting used to the idea now!), the thought of being 'a wife' is quite unappealing etc. But it can be what you make it - your marriage doesn't have to be your parents marriage(s). I don't think you should be pushed into though, it if it's not what you want and really feels wrong to you - that doesn't sound like it would do your relationship any good.

AKissIsNotAContract Mon 29-Aug-11 15:11:52

If you are really intent on not marrying then you need to at least speak to a solicitor and make sure you have some legal protection, especially now you are having a child. Without it, things like next of kin, wills etc are far more complicated.

Thumbwitch Mon 29-Aug-11 15:14:21

I have a friend who never wanted to get married because she never wanted to go through a divorce - her mother's divorce had been horrific. She was with her DP for a few years, then when she got pg, she gave in and got married. I suppose she thought that the child would keep the marriage safe. Sadly, her DP was a spineless fuckwit and had an affair with a colleague when their DS was 2 - so she kicked him out, divorced him asap and swore blind she'd never do it again.
As it turned out, she and her exH got back together again after about a year (his affair only lasted a few weeks!) and stayed together until their DS was at secondary school, when she decided she'd had enough and they split again.

She is adamant she will not now ever get married again and doesn't even want another relationship.

However. Her mistake was in the man she chose to marry. If you and your DP are a great match, if you think you are going to be together forever, if he really wants to get married (and so many men seem to be reluctant) - then what's the problem really?
You can have as small an event as you like, if you don't like being the centre of attention
You can keep your own name if you want to
You don't have to wear a ring if you don't want to
You are much better protected legally, especially in the horrible event of one of you dying.

In the end, if it's upsetting him that you won't marry him (and imagine if it was you who wanted to get married and he didn't - how would you feel about that scenario?), can you not consider it? Do a pros and cons list.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Mon 29-Aug-11 15:16:28

Yabu not to have told him that us how you feel before.

You need to seriously consider what your issue is. The fact is being married does mean something to him and will give him many rights as the father.

buzzsorekillington Mon 29-Aug-11 15:19:01

I think you've been a bit unfair making excuses when actually what you meant was 'I don't want to get married and probably never will'. I think you should tell him what you've told us and work out where the two of you go from there.

If it's non-negotiable on your side, then you have to make that clear so either he can adjust to that reality or decide whether it's a deal-breaker for him or whether he wants to wait & see if you change your mind.

I agree with the people who've said you need to make sure you're legally covered in the advent of one of you dying or if you split.

Ephiny Mon 29-Aug-11 15:19:17

I didn't think being married or not made much difference to parental rights/responsibilities?

I agree you should have been upfront with him about your feelings on marriage much earlier, not very fair to string someone along with excuses like that, if you know it's important to them. I know it can take a while though to realise that it's not something you want ever, not just 'not now'.

GnomeDePlume Mon 29-Aug-11 15:20:26

YANBU so long as you consider the other people in your household ie that you make wills, that you have nominated each other as beneficiaries for pension schemes and life insurances etc, that you have full reciprocal parental rights, that you are recorded as next of kin to each other.

Check up all the rights and responsibilities that marriage gives and make sure that you have created these through other means.

It is possible to do though TBH far easier to achieve via a marriage licence. Also, in extremis these are nor discussions you want to be having with hospital staff about whether you have the right to authorise treatment for an unconscious partner. Being married (as opposed to getting married) just makes things clearer.

notlettingthefearshow Mon 29-Aug-11 15:24:04

I know views of marriage are personal, but in my opinion YABU.

I understand fear of commitment, but I don't understand reluctance to get married if you already have a house and a child together. Are you committed? I sincerely hope so. But then some people just buy a house for financial reasons, and just have a child because they want a child in general rather than with anyone.

Getting married won't make your relationship last forever, but equally, staying unmarried won't either, and the splitting up would be just as painful - possibly more complicated with a child involved.

LittleMissFlustered Mon 29-Aug-11 15:27:09

It was unreasonable to have lied for so long about your reasoning.

Does your partner want to marry you, or does he want a wedding? The two are, sadly, very different these days. A marriage is no more than a contract that protects you all. It needn't mean any change in name or perception if you don't want it to.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 29-Aug-11 15:33:39

Your negative thoughts about marriage didn't stop you embarking on a long term relationship which has, ironically, lasted longer than a good many marriages.

You are living with your dp, expecting a dc together and, to all intents and purposes, you are conducting your life as if you are married.

As you are not trying to avoid marriage in order to keep your options open in respect of other potential mates, I can't see that it'll be a big deal to tie the knot and, as has been pointed out, there are advantages to having your coupledom legally recognised.

You don't have to spend megabucks or wear a meringue - you can simply slope off to your nearest registry office and have a piss up (obviously not for you until the New Year) in your local afterwards.

There's no guarantee that anything will last forever but, having been together for 12 years, you've got a better chance than most- and if it doesn't work out, the only shame in divorce will be that which you visit on yourself.

ZillionChocolate Mon 29-Aug-11 15:59:31

It's not divorce that's awful, it's splitting up and whether it's awful depends on the circumstances and the personalities involved.

Unless you have/are likely to have significantly more money/assets than him, you may as well get married as the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

mumeeee Mon 29-Aug-11 16:04:21

YABU. You are living together and have a house and will soon have a child. It could still get messy if you split up and you also won't have as many rights I'd you are not married. But the most important thong is that it matters a lot to your DP so you should get married.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 29-Aug-11 16:08:37

Part of me thinks if it isn't that inimportant to you why not just do it for him?

Why do you really not want to get married?

You need to have a serious think about legalities if you do not get married as you are having a child and your partner will not have the same rights if he is not on the birth certificate.

To me you don't have a real reason why you don't want to be married. Your dp might be going about it the wrong way but he wants to do the right thing and he shouldn't be criticised for that.

If you were to get married, what type/how would you do it?

fedupofnamechanging Mon 29-Aug-11 16:47:29

I'd be really hurt if my dh lied to me for years about why he didn't want to get married. I'd feel deceived - as if I'd embarked on a relationship without being given all the facts first.

I would also question my partners commitment to me as I have known lots of couples who were happily not married for years, said all that stuff about not needing it etc, then when they split up one of them marries a new partner with almost indecent speed. It would make me think that I wasn't 'the one' for my partner and that he was keeping his options open.

I appreciate that this isn't entirely logical and that one's options are always open, in the sense that marriage guarantees nothing, but even so, this is how i would feel and it would colour my relationship.

When I got married, we were already living together and had a child. Nothing changed on a day to day basis and yet I felt different. It was a good feeling, of being somehow more solid and united. I think you should take a leap of faith and give that feeling to your partner - he obviously needs it if he keeps raising the subject.

You might surprise yourself and feel happy, because you and your relationship are not the same as your parents relationships.

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