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To think DP only has himself to blame and not want to help out?

(22 Posts)
JediInTraining Mon 29-Aug-11 14:11:43

Been seeing someone since around last June. He's a single parent of a teenage girl who lives with him. He seems to have suffered a lot with money problems, has been declared bankrupt before and lost their home when he was still living with his ex wife. This was purely through over-spending and living beyond their means, take-aways all the time, huge store cards etc. Now he's been living alone with his DD for the past 6 years or so. He's constantly going on about how he feels guilty that his DD has never been on a holiday. They've never been out of the country, furthest they've been was a week in Scotland in a caravan. Last summer holidays he said he was all stressed out as all his DD's friends were away in Greece/Turkey/Spain/Florida etc and she never got to go anywhere. I suggested he save up for 2011 summer hols so he could afford to take her somewhere. He agreed. Yet ever since he's been buying take-aways, overspending on food, buying gadgets like Sky HD etc and when she broke her laptop he immediately went out that same day and bought her a new one on his credit card. Now he owes £1k on a 40%apr credit card. He struggles with the repayments as he can only afford minimum monthly repayment and the interest that gets added is only about £4 less than what he's paying on to it. So say he pays £40 - he gets £36 added on in interest.
So this summer holiday arrives and he calls me all stressed out saying he feels so guilty as he'd taken his DD nowhere at all this summer holidays as he's had no money yet all her friends have been on various exotic holidays. He became even more stressed out when I let it slip that I'd just booked a holiday to Gran Canaria for me and the kids and their grandma for 2012. I do feel sorry for his DD as it isn't her fault and she does miss out on a lot. I suggested again that he save up for NEXT summer holidays but be strict on himself (unlike last year). He said he would and would cut down his spending, stop the take-aways and stop buying unimportant crap so that he had the money to take her abroad next year. I thought to myself at the time (but didn't tell him) that if he did make some kind of an effort to save up, I'd help him finantially and perhaps buy him a load of euros for a christmas present so that he didn't have to worry about spending money. (I earn double what he earns but he does have a full time job).

The very next day he'd ordered 3 xbox games, a takeaway for dinner and a load of expensive clothes for his DD online.

AIBU to just say it's his own fault and give up on it. It isn't really my problem, is it?

PhilipJFry Mon 29-Aug-11 14:15:33

It isn't your problem at all. It must be distressing watching someone mishandle their money so badly but it's his choice and the consequences lie on him.

Also, don't lend this guy money. Ever. You probably won't get it back.

TeiTetua Mon 29-Aug-11 14:16:40

Yes, you are being unreasonable. To be having any kind of relationship with this man.

Perhaps he has his good qualities, but he needs professional help before he'll be able to deal with life. Maybe you could nudge him in that direction.

Gonzo33 Mon 29-Aug-11 14:19:24

YANBU he is clearly rubbish with money

pinkyredrose Mon 29-Aug-11 14:22:10

You can't help him unless he opens his eyes. You've pointed him in the right direction and he hasn't listened. Please don't give him euros, it'll only be a drop in the ocean.

He's obviously sticking his head in the sand. I've had partners in the past and it is so so frustrating. I ended up losing respect for them. I'll never go out with anyone again who is useless with money, it's just way too stressful.

JediInTraining Mon 29-Aug-11 14:22:26

He said to me "I'm thinking of taking her away for a short break somewhere - Paris perhaps. Do you think I'll get that quite cheap?" I said "how cheap?" and he said "well I'll be able to save around £200."

£200 for BOTH of them he meant, not each.

It's so frustrating because I've seen his budget and he should have quite a bit spare each month but he just blows it all on silly things and then moans that he can't save any money. His DD has even had to lend him money to secure a SCHOOL TRIP to London as he couldn't afford to lay down the deposit. So she's had to pay for her own school trip in a way.

pinkyredrose Mon 29-Aug-11 14:23:29

I meant ' i've had partners in the past who are rubbish with money' didn't read back properly, sorry.

AnnieLobeseder Mon 29-Aug-11 14:26:06

How serious are you about this guy? Because I'd be very concerned about making a future together with someone who is so careless about money.

I don't blame you for not wanting to help out, as sorry as you might feel for his DD. It's not like he genuinely can't afford to take her on holiday, he just chooses to spend his money elsewhere. He's the one letting her down, not you.

ZillionChocolate Mon 29-Aug-11 14:33:07

It sounds like it's entirely his own doing. I couldn't be with someone that irresponsible.

limetrees Mon 29-Aug-11 14:33:19

He sounds like a total loser. I am not really sure why you are going out with him.

It sounds like he's expecting you to hand out money to him so he can go away with his DD. That's why he's constantly moaning to you about it. This sort of stuff shouldn't be going on at this stage in the relationship. Different if she was your stepdaughter, but she isn't. There was a thread on MN once (not sure how long ago, not sure what to search on) but basically a MNer was going out with a man who had a teenage DD. The MNer got hold of one of their phones and they were texting about how they could screw money out of the MNer. Just be wary.

JediInTraining Mon 29-Aug-11 14:40:19

Limetrees that's awful.

His DD is lovely and I do feel sorry for her but she does get spoilt in other ways, I mean a brand new laptop the same day as she broke hers? £100 on clothes in one day just because she asks for it? I also suspect she bends his ear about the take-aways too. I know he signed up for a free trial of Sky Movies and just as he was about to cancel it, his DD went in a strop so he's kept them which has added another £16 onto his monthly bill.

I said to him the other day "Lots of kids don't get to go abroad, it isn't the end of the world" and he said "well that's easy for you to say, yours have been abroad 3 times."

But I work hard and save hard and prioritise. I don't just get them handed to me on a plate.
Another thing that suprised me was that at one point it looked my the kids grandma might not be able to come with us afterall. So he said "oh? how much will it cost for me to take her place?" - but what about his DD??? By the sounds of it he wouldve jumped at the chance to come with us even if it meant his DD staying at home.

plupervert Mon 29-Aug-11 14:43:12

Thank goodness his DD is learning something from her father's crapness with money, although it's very sad that she is suffering anyway.

However, if he's not going to change or her sake, what makes you think you will have any influence?

defrocked Mon 29-Aug-11 14:48:44

what did he say when you sat down with him and helped him go through his budget and gave him advice about sorting out his debts?

bubblesincoffee Mon 29-Aug-11 14:49:19

No, it's not your problem.

You aren't so deeply into a relationship with him that it ever has to be your problem. You sound sensible enough to keep it that way.

Enjoy his good points by all means, but don't allow yourself to think about it too much and get sucked in to feeling guilty.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 29-Aug-11 14:49:39

What would be giving up on? Are you planning on ending the relationship?

As you're not living together or pooling resources his finances are his concern and, given his history and the fact that he doesn't seem to have learned from his previous problems, it's unlikely that he's going to alter his spending habits any time soon.

I'm assuming that you've tried to suggest practical ways in which he can live within his means but, as this is the second summer he's failed to curb his daily/weekly spending in order to save for a holiday, he clearly hasn't listened to you or acted on any advice you've given him.

It can't be much fun being with someone who a) hasn't got the spending power that you have and b) isn't prepared to make any effort to get his finances under control.

What happens when you go out together? Do you pick up the tab for outings/restaurants etc? Or do your dates consist of a lot of evenings in?

As he seems to spend (money he doesn't have) freely on his dd I can't see that she is particularly missing out on much except holidays, and when she's older and working she'll be able to remedy that.

MrsGaff Mon 29-Aug-11 17:14:02

YABU to even consider giving this man any money for Christmas. Do you honestly think it will get put away and 'saved' for a holiday in a year, when by the sounds of it he can barely manage the credit card payments now? My guess is that it will have been spent within a few weeks on some 'January sale bargains' that were too good to miss. hmm

I personally couldn't be in a relationship with someone who is so blatantly crap with money. If bankrupcy wasn't a big enough wake up call for him then what will it take for him to sort himself out?

Don't ever get any joint loans/accounts/mortgage with this guy!

LineRunner Mon 29-Aug-11 17:24:22

OP, I would seriously give up on it - on the situation, on the stress, and on him.

Bloodymary Mon 29-Aug-11 17:34:20

The only way that I can afford to take little girl away each year is to put £30 away EVERY week (roughly the price of a decent take away).
He will just have to do the same.

CalamityKate Mon 29-Aug-11 17:39:06

I wouldn't be able to have a relationship with someone like that.

I need to respect whoever I'm with, and I could have NO respect for someone so irresponsible and senseless.

Perfectwhirled Mon 29-Aug-11 17:43:38

Does his ex-wife pay maintenance?

He'd have more money then.

NorfolkBroad Mon 29-Aug-11 19:31:00

sounds grim and from what you say, even after all that has happened to him, the bankruptcy etc he still hasn't learned his lesson. I wouldn't be put off dating someone who had had money problems in the past but if they kept spending and moaning and not seeing the connection between their behaviour and situation then I would pull the plug on the relationship. I know that wasn't your questions really but basically no of course YANBU. He needs to grow up and sort his life out. You sound very hardworking and organised.

kaid100 Mon 29-Aug-11 19:44:09

Is the problem here more that your DP isn't very good at saying "No" to his daughter? If this is the case, maybe a solution is to gently show her that if she doesn't keep asking for takeaways and new laptops and clothes, she'll get her nice holidays.

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