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AIBU?

aibu to feel on the cusp of losing the dc - 16 and 13 and growing up so fast it's pulled me up short

46 replies

marriedinwhite · 28/08/2011 21:39

It sounds silly I know but after GCSE results and a milestone passed and having spent the weekend at my parents have just seen with for a fact that DS is taller than my step father and DD has overtaken my mother, I feel a bit scared that we are on the cusp of a new chapter and am wondering what the next stage holds and whether I will cope with it. Two more years and DS will be gone (possibly never to live at home again) and DD will follow fast on his heels. Their bedrooms will be empty and DH and I will be home alone.

OP posts:

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GoingToHelenaHandcart · 28/08/2011 21:42

I feel your pain, mine are 18 and 14 and I can see them slipping off and having their only lives which don't involve us. Freaky. and sad.

TalcAndTurnips · 28/08/2011 23:22

Just think of it as a new and exciting phase in your life. I have an adult child, who has moved on and is loving her independent life, and one not far behind. I won't lie; I miss my eldest an awful lot, but I don't worry or fret as I know that she's doing what she wants and is finding her own way in life.

You will have a chance to live your life more for yourself (and that isn't selfish - it's bloody marvellous) - just think of all the new stuff you could try with your DH! Buy a tandem, or go scuba diving, or walk Hadrian's Wall - whatever you want, without worrying if the kids will enjoy it.

Don't think of their bedrooms being empty - think study or home gym or extra spare room. You've spent many years being caring and loving parents, I'm sure - soon it will be time for you and your DH to discover the next step in life together.

FabbyChic · 28/08/2011 23:24

Its horrible isn't it? I cried when my eldest left 4 years ago, he went straight from Uni to live in London this year.

His brother my youngest goes to Uni this year. Then that is my job done, I feel I've made it to get this far and they both get degrees and good jobs.

I shall be living alone in four weeks time for the first time in 27 years.

Marshy · 28/08/2011 23:40

I'm going to decorate my DD's bedroom so she has somewhere really nice for her last 2 years at home. Can't believe that's all it is, as the last 16 have passed by in a flash.

Feel sad, but also aware that I have a lot still to teach her - she can't iron yet and makes a great lasagne but not much else.

This afternoon DH's eldest son came over with his wife and 2 children. He has come back to us after being away for a while as a young adult, and I got to cuddle a tiny step-grandson today, which was lovely. Helps me remember that my 2 will return one day, after leaving.

But still not looking forward to the transition............will cry buckets when
they leave.

LineRunner · 28/08/2011 23:43

University students do come home in their very long holidays, you know ... often with friends in tow. At least that's what I'm banking on!

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/08/2011 23:44

I know exactly how you feel. My two are 16 and 14. I have to take the 16 year old to buy SUITS for sixth form next week, for Goodness' sake. How the heck can my 'baby' need suits? I've told her that she is not allowed to even think about applying for uni until she can cook at least five proper meals though!

CardyMow · 29/08/2011 00:15

Any reason your 16yo can't cook five proper meals? My SN 13.5yo DD Can cook a lasagne from scratch, spag bol, marinara sauce, risotto, prep vegetables, make pastry, and makes the most delicious viennese biscuits. She can also make homemade soup.

My 9yo DS1 can cook a marinara sauce, make cheese on toast, and is being taught how to make a white sauce when he is back from his dad's next week. Why do people NOT teach their dc to cook?

Even my SN 7yo can do simple veg prep.

CardyMow · 29/08/2011 00:16

Sorry - that sounds snippy, I'm just a bit that your 16yo can't do these things, but didn't mean that how it sounded in the above post.

FabbyChic · 29/08/2011 00:17

My son is 18, he can cook curry, however he cannot cook anything else.

And so what, I'm teaching him before he goes in four weeks.

I didn't have children so they cooked for themselves I've always done everything for them, as is my right as their sole carer.

Marshy · 29/08/2011 00:24

Well, if you look on other threads 16yo DC should be spending every waking moment studying, and hardly have time to eat let alone cook! (I exaggerate slightly)

I guess it's just as well we all do this parenting thing our own way, isn't it.

I will be helping DD to extend her menu list a little though - am impressed with your list Loudlass.

Tortington · 29/08/2011 00:29

oh you should be so lucky.

mine are 18 and won't leave.

dd says that shes never leaving

i want loud sex, impromptu weekends in madrid etc.... i have a whole life just waiting for them to leave well i do in my head not in my purse.

i have one son who has left and he comes to visit when he wants food.

and i have taken to shopping and storing up on pasta and rice etc....for when he comes asking for food.

its like they never ever leave!

CardyMow · 29/08/2011 00:47

Fabby - I DON'T make her cook for everyone else - she wants to work in catering, has helped me with simple prep for years (we tend to all muck in together in the kitchen), and has progressed from there. She ASKS to cook for us, as she enjoys doing it, and likes to try out new recipies. DS1 is more practical - cooks to eat IYSWIM. But if DD can cook with SN, then there's no reason my NT DS1 can't...

bruffin · 29/08/2011 00:49

My dcs are 14 and 16 in a few weeks. It's actually affected Dh quite hard as hw suddenly realised they won't be around for much longer. It seems to have bought on a midlife crisis. My friend who has a son the same age has gone through the same with her Dh.

IthinkIamUndecided · 29/08/2011 01:00

YANBU. Have a hug.

duchesse · 29/08/2011 01:04

Any 18 yo can cook, barring very specific circumstances. They just need the motivation and the understanding that they can't rely on Mummy to do everything for them for the rest of their natural life. Mine all cook for the family once a week, the third has done since she was 12. They've been baking cakes since they were 8 or 9. They enjoy it and there's no earthly reason why they shouldn't. Plus they can cook a wide range of excellent meals( Whether they choose to once they go to university is another matter- will be tested when eldest goes to university in 3 weeks), shop on a budget (they all have a keen eye for a bargain!) and buy clothes cheaply. We also clean the house communally and they all muck in with processing washing etc. I don't rely on them to provide me with menial tasks to do- in fact I discourage it!- as I already have a job and very limited interest in being a domestic goddess.

Interestingly they all accuse me of not letting them do anything for themselves and being far too protective despite the fact that they are very independent and resourceful.

NLsupportsawomensrighttochoose · 29/08/2011 01:05

My older two are 13 and 10 and it occurred to me on holiday last week to wonder how much longer my oldest will want to come on holiday with us. Obviously we've got a few years left - but not that many. Thnakfully we have a 4 yr old as well so our nest will be somewhat populated for a comfortable number of years yet!

duchesse · 29/08/2011 01:05

And OP, yes sorry, I agree with you- it did seem to fair zip by from 11 to 18... I don't want to think about it- prefer to take the stance that they'll be back v quickly as most children seem to boomerang these days...

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 29/08/2011 01:13

I don't think may of them vanish at 18 into total independence....
Mine are 19 18 17 and 14 and at this moment 3the older three are at the Reading festival..I've been watching it on TV and realising with AWE that my babies are in that amazing crowd... then the Mum -me is hoping they have warm jumpers on, aren't so pissed they can't find their tent etc etc :D

BUT it IS exciting.. they are whole new adults! How amazing is our job that we get them to this stage?! My eldest is at Uni and now, yes she is pretty independent but when she comes home she is still my baby.. (and yes I do washing cooking etc for them all) but my DS1 isn't going to uni and I'm pretty sure he will be at home for some years yet...

It's a new chapter for sure, but it happens slowly and you have to gently let go and enjoy the young adults that emerge!

On the other hand, not all teens can do for themselves... my youngest has autism and moderate LDs and he could NOT cook for himself.. sometimes it's not about motivation if the ability isn't there........he's 6 ft tall and about 5 years old in many ways.. I only WISH he could have the ability to be independent.....

CardyMow · 29/08/2011 01:26

Medusa - DD has autism, and moderate LD's. Cooking is her 'thing' though. The one thing she likes and can do well. And we all get yummy biccies! I have spent the last 9 years (since her asd dx) trying to teach her to be more independant. It took her till she was 8yo to put her own socks on. Five years later, she can cook a mean lasagne.

MilkNoSugarPlease · 29/08/2011 01:34

Well I'm 23 and still live at home...frankly it doesn't look like I'll move out before I'm 27 at this rate (London rental prices....fecking insane!)

So you may have many more years when your begging them to jusst GO :o

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 29/08/2011 02:10

I personally can recommend loud sex on an impromptu weekend to Madrid Custardo - providing it's happening in your room, in your bed, and you're the one making the racket

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 29/08/2011 02:12

Amsterdam is good for loud sex too - as is anywhere you're the one getting it

Tortington · 29/08/2011 02:14

been to amsterdam, not impressed - with the place - not the sex

Andrewofgg · 29/08/2011 07:15

It's now forty years ago since I went to University; my mother was a widow (met DSF a bit later) and I am the younger of two, so she went home to an empty nest, and as she told me later had a long cry. Then got on with her life.

OP, that's what happens and it is as it should be. We see threads here about first time parents who think they have invented the process, and make themselves look silly. In the same way what is happening to you has happened to others and they have survived it.

In the meantime good luck with teenage daughter phase, you will need it!

GoingToHelenaHandcart · 29/08/2011 07:57

Andrew, off topic, but I always thought you were in your 20s.

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