to worry about DS's friend?

[Sidalee7]

DS1 is about to turn 4. He is generally a good boy, never really tantrumed so I'm not sure if I'm overeacting. He has a friend who he really gets on with - the problem is I find him "challenging."

He can't handle my ds having other friends, if we meet with a couple of other children he tries to divide the group by saying he and my ds dont like the others/they smell/he hates them....my ds does not feel like this but lacks the ability to disagree with him and stand up for his other friends.
He is also not very nice to my DD (2).

Is DS's friend being a typical 4yo? He will also hit, bite and say he hates my ds (and the others). Ithink he likes my ds because he does not retaliate or hold a grudge (unlike the other children) I guess I'm just worried that my ds will get influenced by his behaviour and copy it. AIBU to totally distance them?

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Why do you think this little boy behaves in the way he does? How do you get on with his parents and do they do anything to prevent him hitting/biting etc?

[Tchootnika]

I know they're only 4, but have yo explained to DS that it's important to have lots of friends, that it's not for other children to tell him who he likes and wants to play with, etc?
I know this boy's behaviour is OTT and out of order, but perhaps at this point this could be a starting point for explaining to/discussing with DS some of these basic and important things about boundaries, friendships, etc?

[roundthehouses]

I have EXACTLY this situation with ds and his "best friend". They are both 4. Tbh I was relieved that over the summer they have had significant time apart and the few times they have seen each other recently ds seems a bit bolder and a bit more ready to stand up for himself.

It is hard, I get on great with the other boys mum but she is pretty ineffectual and gives 8263647564 warnings which never result in any sanction of any kind. I also explain to ds about standing up for himself, playing with whoever he wants, and suspect this boy mainly likes ds because he lets himself be pushed around. But ds is very attached to him and wants to be his friend. So as they are about to be back together every day I am just going to keep a close eye on it and will limit after school playing if it seems necessary.
Good luck, it is horrible to see your kid being walked all over.

[Sidalee7]

I dont really know why he behaves like this. He is very indulged in some ways, not in others. I think he receives a lot of mixed messages and lacks positive attention.

Have tried explaining to my ds that he must make his own mind up and he agrees, but I think he is going to be a real follower. I find myself really telling him off for going along with it but then the friend seems to love it when I do this (while his mum conveniently ignores it) so I need a new tactic! Any ideas?

[Sidalee7]

and roundthehouses, snap with the 1000's of warnings! just take the kid home!

[Tchootnika]

Stop telling him off? (remove, therefore, the 'naughty' thrill...); have a talk about why it's important to have several friends?
Glare at the other boy's mother, rather than presenting it to DS as his problem?

[Sidalee7]

Yes, good point about stopping the telling off. its hard tho, because I dont want my ds to think this behaviour is acceptable and the friend will say things like "say poo/you hate your mummy/so and so smells" so ds will whisper it in a monotone voice and then get really told off by me..

[par05]

I also have had this situation with my dd, and her friend, who can be really nasty at times to my dd. I have told my dd it is fine to play with other friends, and if nasty friend doesn't like it tough!!
I notice when dd is playing with other friends this friend wants her to herself.
I have told my dd to just walk away and so far she does but seems to be drawn back to this friend!! they are both 7.
DD has now over summer started to play with other girls and not seen much of the nasty friend so hoping when back at school they stay away from each other!

[Tchootnika]

ds will whisper it in a monotone voice and then get really told off by me..

Aw, bless... and oh dear.
It sounds as if he's intimidated and looking for approval - so maybe needs some support and confidence building, and maybe is confused if the other boy isn't getting told off when he is.
Perhaps, then, it's better to say nothing to him at the time - or to counteract e.g. poo/hate comments firmly but humourously, then, later on, really explain to him why it's not a good idea to get pulled along by a 'friend' who's taking him away from other children (it sort of sounds like he's reaping the negative 'rewards' of capitulating to this boy already, and maybe feeling a bit out of control of himself/his friend - not really enjoying joining in with him).
I think you need to try and explain to him why doing this won't be very good for him and his friendships, not just that it's naughty/wrong/bad manners.
And I really do think you could/should chuck the other boy's mother some stern glances when she lets this go.

[Minshu]

I'm being niave (mother of nearly 2 yo, so not there yet). Never mind stern stares - can't you say something to the other mother? Or tell the other child off in front of mother "it's not nice to say those things / behave that way is it, other mother?"

Or even get to the point of "yes, it is time to go home now isn't it, bye-bye, other mother?"