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Sunday lunch, inlaws, a generic AIBU....

(46 Posts)
Changing2011 Sun 28-Aug-11 19:37:00

hi all, I am lying on my bed with a migraine - DH s parents left a little while ago, DH has now taken DD round to friends house to play.

PIL are having a difficult time at the moment, much of it of their own (financial) making, which I won't go into. DH grandmother was also widowed recently so she has had a tough time as well. I thought it would be nice if they all came for lunch. MIL wasn't too keen on grandma coming initially as she is fed up of her (not her mother) but to keep in good books she towed the line.

We got Dinner prepared, DH set the log fire up, his dad feels the cold and sits with his coat on if we don't have fire on. They arrive, the ladies sit round in the kitchen diner while I keep an eye on the lunch and put dessert together for later. DD is playing and running in and out, she is 5. FIL goes into lounge, takes up position by fire, gets DH to fetch him drinks and turns the motor racing right up loud. He emerges only to use guest toilet and does not speak while on this sojourn through the kitchen. MIL gets slowly pickled and more and more maudlin as day goes on. I serve lunch and MIL takes one look at her plate and says "I've not got X and everyone else has" I dash off to kitchen and fetch x for her. FIL has had his own meat cooked as he wont eat the particular meat we are eating. He also has several vegetables to remove from his plate as these are not in his culinary vocabulary either. He finishes eating, picks up his beer, leaves dirty plate on table, and goes back into lounge, racing goes back on. My DH kindly clears away as nobody else offers or makes any moves. MIL and GIL sit with me at the table and eventually I start getting my homemade dessert out, it has fruit in, this is not acceptable for FIL he must have shop bought cake. Get shop bought cake out and we eat dessert.

After dinner, my DD had been good all day so DH suggests a walk over to the local allotments, DD will ride her bike and show off her new skills. fIL says "not flipping likely" and sits with tv while we take rest of family for a short stroll. We then return and clear away dinner things. FIL sits on arse. We finally come through to lounge and I gladly sit down (am four months pregnant) when FIL demands coffees! his mother and wife see his behaviour as totally acceptable but seem blind to the fact that their son/grandson (my DH ) is perfectly capable of lending a hand. I think his manners are appalling and he sauntered out to the car shortly after without so much as a thank you. Pig! AIBU?

BeerTricksPotter Sun 28-Aug-11 19:38:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic Sun 28-Aug-11 19:40:19

Sign of his age unfortunately, when he was growing up that is how things were, he is now too old to change.

birdsofshoreandsea Sun 28-Aug-11 19:40:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reelingintheyears Sun 28-Aug-11 19:41:00

Don't you sometimes wonder how these people managed to turn out a decent DS?

I can never understand how DP can be quite so different from the OLs.

Merrin Sun 28-Aug-11 19:41:20

Dont have them to visit again!

Changing2011 Sun 28-Aug-11 19:41:39

It's not really that i expect him to do anything, it's more that I was trying to do a nice lunch to cheer them all up, and a little engagement in conversation/asking about the baby/admiring dd's artwork would have been nice. And to not come on the walk when dd was so excited about riding her bike without stabilisers was just childish.

reelingintheyears Sun 28-Aug-11 19:42:21


Her DH did help out.

Katisha Sun 28-Aug-11 19:44:02

Don't ask 'em again. What does DH think?

Changing2011 Sun 28-Aug-11 19:45:00

He is only 59 fabby.

He clears his plate at home sometimes. He seems to take a very chauvinistic attitude towards his daughters in law, he has two sons. He tuts and smirks if I mention that DH cooked me a meal for example.

He also is very nasty about SIL and her lack of domestic skills. He can't say that about me, I cook better than MIL! So I don't get the ungratefulness. I did a home cooked meal and entertained his sodding mother all day!

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Aug-11 19:45:29

How old is the FIL? Not that any age would excuse him; I'm just interested.

pinkthechaffinch Sun 28-Aug-11 19:46:24

No helpful advice I'm afraid, except to say that I have a widower FIL who also has the manners of a pig

but thanks for the nice lengthy vividly written aibu, almost like reading a short story smile

Changing2011 Sun 28-Aug-11 19:47:30

My DH did help, but he is a bit scared of saying anything to his dad, he has been a bit nasty when DH was younger and knocked his tooth out once. DH is three times the person FIL is. He just shakes his head at his parents and looks sad about it.

I don't hold his family against him, he is a good DH mostly and a brilliant dad.

squeakytoy Sun 28-Aug-11 19:48:36

No way is that a sign of his age. My own dad, and my FIL may not have done much in the way of helping in the kitchen (typical of men of that generation), but they would certainly have had manners, and would have played with their grandchildren. In fact the TV would go off if we had guests.

PhilipJFry Sun 28-Aug-11 19:51:20

Ah, your poor husband sad Knocked his TOOTH out? Horrible man. His manners are appalling and so were his parenting skills by the sound of it. It musn't be easy having him around.

tiddleypompom Sun 28-Aug-11 19:52:45

You sound lovely, and not at all unreasonable for being tired and a bit hurt after your day running around after other (ungrateful) people. fabby is right though - it is a male-of-a-certain-age type of behaviour (not all, granted, but many)...
Try not to get upset by it - you've done a marvellous job accommodating everyone else and will be appreciated, even if they don't have the grace to acknowledge this. Hopefully your DH knows how lucky he is.
Don't change - you don't sound like a pushover, just a very nice person smile

In your place I would take myself off for some time to myself - along the lines of chocolate and hot bath, whilst DH does DD bedtime routine?
p.s. suggest DH should know that you feel hurt by dismissive/rude FIL in case of repeat situation/accumulation of bad feelings towards inlaws...

Changing2011 Sun 28-Aug-11 19:53:21

He is 59.

They have quite a sad little life really, I just think when in our nice warm home with their lovely little granddaughter around and a nice meal prepared for them, they would relish it a little more. SIL definitely won't be providing the same sort of visit, and neither will I after today, not for a while anyway. Star of the day was grandma, who chatted pleasantly, enjoyed her meal and took some dessert home, and made me a pregnancy smock ( well, she is 81)!

Psammead Sun 28-Aug-11 19:54:47

If I invited guests round, I would fully expect them to eat/leave what they wanted and not to clean up afterwards (although an offer is nice!!). They are guests and I don't mind running around after them.

However - watching the TV is NOT on. I would have asked that he turn it off, or if he must know the racing result, have it on with no sound on. How unspeakably rude. And if he is so comfortable in your home that he feels he can plonk himself down and turn on the TV, then surely he knows where the coffee machine is? He's taking the mick.

No 'thank-you' is also dreadfully rude. I don't know anyone who wouldn't say 'thanks for dinner, it was lovely' or words to that effect. Frankly, I would be quietly put-out if guests turned up empty handed, too.

worraliberty Sun 28-Aug-11 19:54:47

He sounds very rude

But I'm stunned you've managed to type a long and vivid description of your day when you have a migrane.

A lot of people would struggle to lift their heads off the pillow.

fedupofnamechanging Sun 28-Aug-11 19:55:18

Stop inviting them. My dad is 62 and would never behave like that. I've had issues with my fil in the past but he wouldn't have behaved like that either. Age is not an excuse for appalling manners.

They don't appreciate the effort, so stop making one.

Sorry you've had a shitty afternoon.

Changing2011 Sun 28-Aug-11 19:55:29

Tiddley, DH has taken DD out for a bit to her friends house so I am on bed relaxing! DP agrees that we will not invite them again for a while, he thinks I am too nice and invite them too often as it is! If he has his way it would be birthdays and Christmas only.

tiddleypompom Sun 28-Aug-11 19:55:32

(hadn't seen subsequent posts about FIL - can I amend my response to say that this is not a typical 59 year old but a bit of a turd?)

Nagoo Sun 28-Aug-11 19:55:40

YANBU. Don't put yourself out. He is rude and unappreciative, so if you have them over again, just give him what you want to eat and he can like it. You might get rid of them quicker that way too smile

Nagoo Sun 28-Aug-11 19:56:21

<notes: bit of a turd.>

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 28-Aug-11 19:58:02

59 is way too young for this to be a generational thing surely - my dad is 73 and has never behaved in this manner!

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