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AIBU to be furious that my DH has been emailing his ex?

(213 Posts)
Toplistmaker Sun 28-Aug-11 01:21:20

My DH of 2 years has been mailing his ex a lot, he also sent her a package of some old stuff of hers he recently found and sends her pictures of our 1yr old daughter.. I read the e-mails today and I'm seething, we've argued over this before and he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he has been.. even two days after our baby was born he e-mailed her. Its such a big issue between us now, and it keeps coming up over & over again, if I ever come into the room he hides his screen.. locks his phone all the time now.. I am so angry with him, and so sad that we're like this. : (

worraliberty Sun 28-Aug-11 01:26:07

Well the package is understandable..the stuff is hers after all.

But why is he sending her pics of your daughter?

Are they proper friends or do you think he still wants her?

Has she tried to make friends with you and how long were they together for?

lostintransition Sun 28-Aug-11 01:30:02

So he knows how this makes you feel but continues to speak to her? YANBU!
He needs to decide which relationship is the more important to maintain.

NorfolkBroad Sun 28-Aug-11 01:31:28

I'm all for being on good terms with your ex but this sounds a bit different. YANBU. I think most people would feel really uncomfortable with this behaviour because it is underhand and you have talked about how upset it makes you feel.

NorfolkBroad Sun 28-Aug-11 01:33:04

yes, lost..that is it in a nutshell! I would say it to him in those words. Very hurtful behaviour.

NorfolkBroad Sun 28-Aug-11 01:34:39

Was there something particularly suspcious in the emails or was it just the fact that he had been emailing her when you had asked him not to?

Toplistmaker Sun 28-Aug-11 01:34:58

They were together for 7yrs, they broke up about 2 yrs b4 I met my Dh, we have been together 6 yrs now.. she lives in spain with her bf & daughter, I have met her by chance twice years ago with my husband, it was very awkward.. Its not that I think he wants to get back with her, (altho he does make odd comments about where did he go wrong with his life) but I hate that he someimes complains about me/our life to her..

NorfolkBroad Sun 28-Aug-11 01:46:30

Sorry but that is awful and you should not have to put up with that kind of behaviour...moaning about you to her etc. No way! I have a cordial relationship with my ex (we have been apart for 7 years) but there are boundaries such as I would NEVER moan about my lovely DP to my ex! I do however have a whinge to my friends sometimes.

Toplistmaker Sun 28-Aug-11 01:54:07

Thank you Lost & Norfolk.. its that he dosent care about my feelings at all, : (

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 28-Aug-11 02:20:30

he does make odd comments about where did he go wrong with his life

Your dh sounds as if he doesn't value what he has until its gone or, if he's preoccupied with ageing, he may be trying to transport himself back to a time when his life was less complicated and was all before him IYSWIM.

Ask him what he's gaining from continued communication with his ex, and point out that unless he keeps this correspondence confined to a simple exchange of greetings at Christmas etc, he's in danger of losing what he has with you.

tallwivglasses Sun 28-Aug-11 02:31:45

He is a very big twat and you could do better.

Tell him.

Toplistmaker Sun 28-Aug-11 02:58:05

Yes I think you're right izzywizzy..

Haha tallwivglasses that made me laugh! : )

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 28-Aug-11 03:15:36

The past has gone; like all of us, your dh needs to accept that he made his choices and it's not possible to go back and choose again.

He needs to realise that if he makes you feel unloved and excluded, he's may well find himself regretting making the wrong choice in the future.

You say you've read the emails - did the content give you any cause for particular concern?

rejectOfAllah Sun 28-Aug-11 03:40:53

Yeah I think you're being unreasonable. What right have you to tell him who he can be friends with? How would you like it if he told you who you could be friends with?

JockTamsonsBairns Sun 28-Aug-11 04:21:47

Reject misses the point of the thread completely confused

rejectOfAllah Sun 28-Aug-11 04:28:39

No I get the point of the thread thank you.
He is maintaining contact with his ex who now lives in Spain with her bf.
OP doesn't like it, and has laid down the law about how he isn't allowed to be her friend.

Other posters have chipped in about how they also on occassion complain about the things in their relationships to their friends.
But his complaining to his friend who lives in another country with her bf isn't the same as them complaining to their friends.

It seems to me that the OP has some control freak issues... reads his emails, tells him who he can/cannot be friends with...

Which bit of that is it you're having difficulty understanding Jock

kickassangel Sun 28-Aug-11 04:47:51

Reject is doing a lot of stirring tonight

Cereal Sun 28-Aug-11 08:19:52


Toplistmaker Sun 28-Aug-11 09:05:00

Reject- If it was just friendship I wld be ok with it, but its almost as if he does to upset me on some level, hes not stupid, but he dosent delete the e-mails, & has left his account open.. She was annoyed when we got engaged.. & its the secrecy of it all which makes it unlike normal friendships.

Toplistmaker Sun 28-Aug-11 09:18:04

The e-mails are very paly.. from him, I hope you'll be in London for 2012.. I wish I could see your Dad, I miss your family Christmasses.. wish we had gone away more, and refs I dont understand like, 'eeeeemmmm, flight over Italy' as a sign off from him. Finding her old stuff & should he keep it for her, asking for address to post something to, as a surprise..

From her, her Mum thought he was the one for her & her parents still love him.. shes sorry her dad gave him a hard time.. other than that it was saying how they both had great hindsight and looking back fondly at happy memories.. Funny because when I first met him, he & his friends all told me what a nightmare she was, he said she was demanding and spoilt, how our views change eh?

Toplistmaker Sun 28-Aug-11 09:21:19


fedupofnamechanging Sun 28-Aug-11 09:25:41

Toplistmaker, if this was a good relationship, you would be more important to your partner than anyone else. He would not do things to deliberately upset you and knowing that you are uncomfortable with the level and type of communication he has with his ex, he would cut this right back.

Of course one partner should not be telling the other who they can be friends with, but the first loyalty of your partner should be to you and if the friend is jealous of the relationship or just isn't helpful to it, then it isn't a real friendship and should be scaled right back.

Under no circumstances should a person bitch about the new relationship to someone they were previously involved with. This isn't a 'normal' friendship - this is someone who used to be his partner. They are not going to be impartial but will talking to/advising him with all their history lending a particular bias.

Your fiance wants to have his cake and eat it I'm afraid and in your position I would not even consider marrying such a man.

My dh had an ex who he had remained close to when we met. She never had a good word to say about me and her little negative remarks chipping away in the background really pissed me off. In the end I told my dh (who was my bf at this time), that it's a question of loyalty. He could either keep this friendship or he could keep me. We have been married for 12 years now and he has not seen spoken to her since (and she is hard to avoid as she is connected to his family). I would not have married a man whose loyalty wasn't clear.

You should do the same and at least you will know where you stand. Remember, you can do better than a man who keeps bleating to his ex and is living in the past. it's his loss if you leave him.

Jemma1111 Sun 28-Aug-11 09:27:51

YANBU - If I were in your shoes I would also be concerned about their contact.

Is her daughter your dh's daughter too?, if so then they should only really be discussing her. If not, then I would be even more concerned as there shouldn't be any contact between them.

cornflowers Sun 28-Aug-11 09:56:00

This is a tricky one. I'm in sporadic email contact with an ex myself, i sometimes send him photos of my dc, and he sends me pictures of his. He's also married and lives in another country. Dh gets a bit sniffy if I mention this ex, and would probably prefer it if we dropped the contact, but would never actually ask or tell me to do so. That said, our emails are very benign, just general news really, certainly no reminiscences. The emails between your dh and his ex sound very different. YANBU to be bothered by this, but I'm not sure how best to tackle it without making the problem worse. 'Banning' contact is only going to make the ex a romantic, forbidden figure. I think the main issue is the fact he is discussing/complaining about you to her which is absolutely not on. I would begin by addressing that.

rejectOfAllah Sun 28-Aug-11 10:06:49

kickassangel wrote:

Reject is doing a lot of stirring tonight

I'm not stirring anything, I just saying how it seems to me.

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