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aibu? or am in the wrong? *long*

(20 Posts)
vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 00:04:23

hello ive just joined to ask this question! i kinda need opinions from parents and what better site to ask then this one! .

well basically i was supposed to meet my mum tomorow for my birthday that was last week, and on friday while we were making plans i ask her if my nan got me a card or anything my mum replied that she didn't know and that she hasn't seen her for a while as they are not talking and that she is living with my cousin,
so i ask if she could give her Nans new address so could write to her, mum said she didn't know.
so i thought seeing as i have my cousin on fb ill ask her (this was this morning) and abouty an hour ago my cousin told me that my nan wasn't living with her and then my mum emailed telling me that what she told me last night was in total confidence and that tomorrow is off,

i replied say that i didn't know i wasn't supposed to say anything and what was wrong with asking for my nans address? and also that whatever is happening between her and my nan has nothing to do with me!

so my question is am i in the wrong?

now i think i should underline a few thing my mum and Nan have a very strained relationship that stems back to my mums childhood and they argue all the time (mostly my mum would!) but my relationship with my Nan is good and i don't want to ruin it especially because she is quite old. oh and me and my mum had been estranged for four years and we only go in touch last october when my stepdad had died
sorry for my bad, lack of grammar i hope you can read it!
sorry if its too long

FabbyChic Sun 28-Aug-11 00:06:16

If the relationship with your nan was that good she would have sent you a birthday card and told you where she was living, you would not have to go out hunting for the information.

With regards your question I don't think you was in the wrong.

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 00:10:22

thank you for responding! .
good point about my nan its not as good a relationship i have always wanted but i just wanted sort of try to keep in touch before its too late sort of thing plus my nan always forgets specific dates she is very absent minded lol

TidyDancer Sun 28-Aug-11 00:12:15

I don't think you were in the wrong. I don't think this should even be an issue. You are entitled to a relationship with your family independant from that of your mum, she has no right to control that.

My guess is that your mum is wounded about what's happened recently and is taking that out on you....but even so, she's completely in the wrong here.

Meet up with your nan and don't be made to feel bad for doing it.

Good luck!

TidyDancer Sun 28-Aug-11 00:13:03

And welcome to MN! smile

MadamDeathstare Sun 28-Aug-11 00:17:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 00:18:23

she did it before when i met my real dad for the first time in ten years but i won't get into that it is a very long winded one lol!

and thank you! i have actually been looking( lurking!) on mumsnet for a while now and i thought i might aswell sign up! .

LineRunner Sun 28-Aug-11 00:22:19

You did something completely normal which was ask for a relative's address.

It's your mother's response that is not normal. Like TidyDancer says, your mum's trying to control your access to a relative's address - which is a bit odd.

But sadly, a lot of families behave like this.

Is your mum worried you'll 'take sides' over something?

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 00:30:38

she probably is worried but i did tell her whatever is going on between them two has nothing to do with me, i don't think i can handle it! lol

there all sorts of unnecessary drama and side taking in my family but i have refused to get involved!

LineRunner Sun 28-Aug-11 00:33:02

Just keep explaining that to your mum.

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 00:35:59

i do, but she is one of those people who carry on talking about it after i have explained that i don't want to be involved, so i just sit there let her talk and say nothing then change the subject

cheesesarnie Sun 28-Aug-11 00:36:54

you only asked for an adress,youve done nothing wrong.

welcome to mnsmile

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 00:49:52

thanks i feel abit better now although im quite worried about what kind of response im gonna get tomorrow :s

iscream Sun 28-Aug-11 01:23:26

You were not being unreasonable, except for I gather you did post your question on your cousins wall, since your mum read it. Perhaps sending a private message would be best in future?
Your mum was the one who made a mistake, in not telling you it was just between you and her.
To cancel your birthday outing was mean. Just because she made a mistake.

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 01:41:31

i did send a private message i dont post on walls if its a private matter i think my cousin contacted her when i emailed and mum emailed me,
my mum can be quite immature when she is angry then aren't we all sometimes? lol

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 01:42:21

then again*

ThoseArentSpiritFingers Sun 28-Aug-11 01:51:58

Am I the only one wondering where the nan actually is staying?? At cousins or mums or a different place?

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 02:05:41

haha she lives at her current address, but i was told she had moved in with my cousin but my mum... which turned out to not be true sorry i didn't explain properly .

vaultgirl Sun 28-Aug-11 02:06:22

by my mum*

AgentZigzag Sun 28-Aug-11 02:25:07

It sounds like your mum was annoyed at you because she saw you as washing her dirty linen in public when you talked to your cousin.

But if she didn't say beforehand, she definately shouldn't be annoyed at you, your cousin is family and hardly some random bod on the street.

I was wondering where your poor nan was as well grin

Glad she's alright.

Four years is a long time to not have any contact, do you still feel like you're having to walk on eggshells all the time for fear of sparking it all off again?

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