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to be upset with OH using cocaine

(247 Posts)
maybells Fri 26-Aug-11 22:54:51

we have been together for over 6 years and have a 21 mnth old ds. 4 years ago my partner used cocaine while we were at a friends party after i asked him not to touch it. we had a huge fight and he agreed that he would never touch it again or i told him it would be over.
when oh has a drink he is a complete sheep and just follows what other people are doing. it was my birthday a couple of months ago and we got a rare night out with friends to celebrate. during the night my other half disappeared to play pool. he had to walk past our table to get to the loo. he was ages and it made me suspicious. anyway after 3 hours i was so bored i went to go and find him and he had white powder on his face. i asked him what the fuck it was and the bloke he was playing pool with and one of my friends said oh leave him alone have another drink!
he flatly denied using drugs so i believed him.
i went out with a close friend who was with us that night and asked her outright and she was snorting coke with my oh and this other bloke. i confronted oh and he admitted it! I'm gutted i cant believe he did it and on my birthday of all days. I'm so angry how can i trust him if the threat of loosing his family is not even enough to stop him. i look the biggest twat now and he hasn't even tried to make it up to me or anything he just says "well i know your angry and everything has been said that needs to be said". how the hell do i move on from this?

Salmotrutta Sat 27-Aug-11 00:04:54

Cocaine use would be an utter deal breaker for me I'm afraid. It's a bit different to going out and having a few drinks, maybe even getting sozzled on the odd occasion or even smoking a few joints.
I would be putting my foot down about those too but this is a different league.
I think an ultimatum is in order.

wherearemysocks Sat 27-Aug-11 00:13:14

It would be a deal breaker for me too. The coke itself is bad enough but he's also lying to you about it! And if your friends know you are so against it and are offering it to him and hiding it from you I'd be getting some different friends too.

Sorry

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 27-Aug-11 00:16:43

Taking drugs is hmm but lying about it is a very bad sign. TBH if my partner had used drugs twice in four years and told me I wouldn't like it but I would not be very worried. Catching him taking drugs, him lying to my face and me having to find out from friends. angry very, very angry It makes you look a bit of a mug and I would be livid.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Sat 27-Aug-11 00:19:50

"he agreed that he would never touch it again or i told him it would be over."

Are you going to carry this out??

For me it would be a deal breaker. I'd ask him to pack his bags and move out but that's me. The problem with having told him that it would be over if he did it again is that if you don't end it he will do it again, your threat of it being over being seen as an empty one IYSWIM.

However, it's your relationship so it's your choice.

FabbyChic Sat 27-Aug-11 00:21:35

I used to use it recreationally when clubbing for around a year. It causes serious depression, and psychological trauma. I had a breakdown and have been ill and really badly for the past 4 years. Even the shrink I saw said it was what caused me to be ill. I wasn't addicted though and when it started to cause me problems I stopped and haven't done it since moving 7 years ago.

The damage it can cause is horrendous.

Once you start feeling depressed it doesn't stop, causes paranoia and suicidal thoughts, it also costs around £40 a gramme which you could easily do in a night.

My sister hasn't been as lucky she uses it as a life crutch and can easily do 5gs before she gets out of bed.

Salmotrutta Sat 27-Aug-11 00:27:48

Oh Fabby that's horrible - but I salute your honesty.

You are very lucky not to have become addicted - either that or you have immense willpower.

Cocaine (like heroin) can be addictive after just a few hits.

OP - you need to lay down the law.

FabbyChic Sat 27-Aug-11 00:36:04

I done the same with drink though, met someone who drank every single night, I then started to do the same, after a year thought hang on this is wrong I feel like I need a drink. So I stopped. That was 10 years ago. I drink socially but not had one for 16 months (not been out!).

If I could pinpoint when I got sick I'd definately say it was the coke. I'm recovered now but at times life was really hard.

TeelaBrown Sat 27-Aug-11 01:12:06

Cocaine really does corrode one's personality when it is a regular part of one's social life. Many moons ago, I took it regularly, pretty much every time I had a night out clubbing or went to a party. I suppose I became socially/ psychologically dependent on it to have a good time. When I look back on that period, I can see it made me behave like an utter twat. Twice in four years is not dangerous, but really a man with a family needs to bloody grow up if this is his idea of a good time. The end of a night with people who have been doing coke is an ugly, depressing sight. I think you need to drive home to DP how sad and pathetic his behaviour is.

stripeybump Sat 27-Aug-11 01:19:27

Thing is OP, do you think it really is only twice in 4 years?

It's more likely IMO that he's been doing it behind your back for a long time and your -cunty friends have at the very least not stopped him or told you, and at the worst encouraged him and enabled him.

Tbh coke isn't the issue, the lying over something that means something is huge and possibly insurmountable. He has put a barrier between you and him and your 'friends' are essentially on his side.

You need to kick him out for a bit and it will quickly become clear whether he chooses his family or this teenage thrill-seeking.

solidgoldbrass Sat 27-Aug-11 01:24:17

Cokeheads are a total PITA to be around, end of. They are incredibly boring and often obnoxious. However you are not his owner and it is not up to you to forbid him to take coke - you cannot control his behaviour. What you can do is decide to leave him.

ohnororo Sat 27-Aug-11 01:36:03

I do think it's irresponsible to dab in recreational drugs if you have children and in my experience coke usually turns people into boring assholes.
That said I personally don't think twice in four years is a very big deal and if it was my OH it would warrant a quick row and then be over. There is a massive difference between what you describe and someonewho is a habitual drug user with a habit impacting their lives and the lives of their family. He was stupid, you are furious, he knows that. I doubt he thought he was risking his family at the time he made the decision to have a line. He was drunk and he made a bad choice but it sounds like he cares what you think and values his family. It's crap he did it on your birthday, and lying is not on, but you seem to have very strong views on the issue and maybe he was nervous about the fall out.

MaMattoo Sat 27-Aug-11 01:37:34

Sorry deal breaker. I draw the line and I would not budge. Have worked with cocaine abusers and OMG you don't want even the tiniest teeniest bit of that in your life. No!

PerryCombover Sat 27-Aug-11 01:40:49

Speak to him tomorrow
there is a difference between a user and an abuser or addict

Iteotwawki Sat 27-Aug-11 03:05:12

Would be a deal breaker for me the first time, let alone a supposed second. If I had ever found my husband dabbling in recreational drugs he would be gone - luckily for me he feels the same way. I wouldn't have him in my house or my children's lives.

How I would move on - agree with him that everything has been said, the most important thing of which was your statement that your relationship would be over if he used again. Which he has done, so he has 30mins to pack and another 30 to find somewhere else to live. Ultimatums are only worth stating if you intend to follow them through.

How you should move on is up to you - if you can put up with him using drugs then you have a different attitude to me.

iscream Sat 27-Aug-11 03:29:54

"he agreed that he would never touch it again or i told him it would be over."

Well, why are you asking, was it just an empty threat?

bakeyouhappy Sat 27-Aug-11 04:16:29

A deal breaker is not a threat. It is something you won't tolerate. You cannot tell him what to do, you can tell him you will not be with a cocaine user. It doesn't sound like a deal breaker, because you have not left. I am very sorry you are going through this, I have been through similar.

Gonzo33 Sat 27-Aug-11 05:21:00

I left my exh partly due to his drug abuse (which included coccaine). Fast forward ten years and he is still doing it on and off.

We had a child under the age of one at the time and there was no way I was going to let them think it was acceptable.

FlyMeToTheMooncup Sat 27-Aug-11 05:32:07

Wow fabby sad well done for turning your life around. I hope your sister will do the same one day.

OP, YANBU, it'd be an absolute deal breaker for me too. I can't help but wonder what else he may end up doing if he's as "sheep"-like as you say. And the lying, that is the worst bit. On your birthday FFS.

You have to kick him out really, you said it'd be over if he did it again. You can't go back on that, he'll just think he can walk all over you.

foreverwino Sat 27-Aug-11 05:40:09

Dp was a coke user before we met (and prob still after that). He knew i didnt like it and said hed stopped using. Fast forward a bit, when there were 2 young kids in the house i found a wrapped up line (looked like a sweet wraper) lying on the bathroom floor. I was fing livid. But he said that as it wasnt for him he hadnt broken my rule!!

Eventually, when he realised i wasnt joking about chucking him out he repented and a few years on afaik he hasnt been near it since. But i wouldnt bet my life on it iykwim.

The thing is, as well, at the time most of my friends thought i was the harsh/unfair one.

Thumbwitch Sat 27-Aug-11 06:01:06

Title of thread: YANBU.
After reading OP: YANBU.
Taking cocaine in the first place = big No no for me
Lying about it = MASSIVE no no.

Thumbwitch Sat 27-Aug-11 06:06:03

Sorry - didn't finish that off!
In all honesty, as you told him before that it would be a dealbreaker, you should really follow through on it. Because if you don't he will just see it as a green light to carry on taking it, carry on lying about it - and you have a small child to think about.

It's harsh and you may not like it, but I think you should ask him to leave. You can stick a proviso in - say that if he demonstrates that he has genuinely given up etc. you may reconsider; but don't go soft on him. The lying is worse than taking it, tbh - how can you trust him again? sad

timetoask Sat 27-Aug-11 07:04:29

I haven't read the whole thread, but, I would most certainly distance myself and my family from "friends" that have cocaine at a party.
You OH is not strong willed, getting along with people like that is not going to help him. This group of friends you have who obviously don't think taking drugs is a big issue, are going to be his downfall.

MugglesandLuna Sat 27-Aug-11 07:08:53

Of course YANBU

Get out now!

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Sat 27-Aug-11 07:23:07

My take on it is this. There have been two occassions you know about. Have there been others?
I grew up in London and remember the coke heads. From a distance they looked happy and shiney. Up close they weren't.
Get rid is my honest advice.
And shock to the poster who found a wrap in the bathroom. DC could have been the one to stumble across it.

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