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to feel utterly trapped and pissed off with my life

(131 Posts)
ssd Fri 26-Aug-11 22:19:18

I don't know if I'm depressed or just really down, I feel so desperate and hopeless and sad

I have a nice family, dh and 2 kids. Dh is very involved with the kids to the point he's like super dad, coaches their sports , volunteers for this, love to watch them play sport( I have 2 boys they and dh are totally football mad). I permanently feel like the odd one out, I have watched them on a Saturday for the past 6 years if possible, I will encourage them to the ends of the earth, but I'm not into football, it is of no interest to me and if mine weren't playing I wouldn't go near. If the world cup was playing outside my window I wouldn't open the blinds. But my boys love it and I'm pleased they have a passion for sport and I encourage them as much as I can. Dh and them love the same team and go to watch when funds allow. I am totally left out, I just don't share their interest, however hard I try.

The boys train at night and play at the weekend, they are 3 years apart and they never train or play together, so someone is always at home with whoever isn't playing at that time. And its always me at home, always. I feel liike a rat in a cage. Dh either coaches them or is involved in some way and of course he's champing at the bit to go and watch them anyway.

I have no family support at all, no one I could leave either child in with whilst I go and do something for me (don't know what is for me anyway now). My mum is mid 80's and there is no one here but me for her, she relies on me for so much and there is no one to share the strain with. I resent her for being so old and so needy, I feel so needy but theres no mum to ask for help, I'm like her mum now and that hurts so much.

I just feel so sad and lonely, i feel theres nothing for me. I can't plan anything as one of us has to be here for whoever's not playing as I said earlier. Me and dh have absolutley no coupe time, we have tried to get a babysitter but costs and the lack of anyone around here has put the ki bosh on that, we never have a night out. I can't organise the boys to go for sleepovers, friends offer then when you get the nerve up to ask they can't help, I have asked the friends who have offered and they are always going out, it doesn't help that everyone I know here has close family who seem to help out all the time.

I just feel so shite and I'm sick of it, if I had any money I'd run away.

toptramp Fri 26-Aug-11 22:26:24

If I were you I would not watch the footy every weekend if you aren't interested in it. Instead find something just for you to enjoy. Your sons won't mind and the more outside interests you have the less trapped you will feel. That is if your dh will let you; some men don't like it when their women have a life of their own. Just metion to your dh that you won't accompany them every weekend. Surely you don't need to be there too?
If your friends offer a sleepover; go for it! What's stopping you? Do you know about a babysitting circle?
For the son who's left behind; can't you ggo to the cinema with him or something? Do a bit of mum/son bonding. Then is your time to do non-footy related stuff.
Your dh sounds like a devoted dad but he needs to be a devoted dp too. It mustt be a pain to be outnumbered by some footy loving lads if you aren't into it but I would say drop watching footy every weekend and don't feel guilty about it for goodness sake.

toptramp Fri 26-Aug-11 22:29:19

You need to find you again. It will come even if it just means reading a book or magazine. My mum was seriously ill and is now sadly deceased but I often felt like her mum too as she was so needy and it does hurt so I can relate.

Is it your dp stopping you doing stuff or a feeling of obligation?

ouryve Fri 26-Aug-11 22:29:22

I don't have the close family nearby and DH and I haven't had a night out in almost 8 years, since DS1 was born. You're really not alone (in that sense)

It does sound like you need to do something for you. My thing is knitting. When I can get some time and headspace to do it (not been happening, these holidays) it makes me feel so calm and I feel like I'm achieving something. And it's not something for me, or for DH. My boys both have SN and are very demanding, so that bit of something really does make a difference to how I feel about myself.

ssd Fri 26-Aug-11 22:30:08

I shouldn't have put this in AIBU, if someone says YABU I feel I'll explode,and I know someone will, I feel I'm totally at the end of my tether and no one gets it

I want a mum like everyone else I know has a younghish mum who can drive and actually visits you and you don't beat yourself up if you can't visit her on your one day off. I want a mum who phones up and says god you sound down hen, I'll come round and sit with the boys while you and dh have dinner out instead of a mum who talks about herslef all the time and what she ate that day

I want the boys to be older and not need dh so much and he'll know what its like to not be involved with them all the bloody time and I hope he feels lonely and ;left too

I want me to stop feeling like I want to cry all the time and stop feel so bitter and resentful about everything

cjbartlett Fri 26-Aug-11 22:30:24

Why can't your sons watch each other in matches?
Why don't you show an interest in them?
Seems a bit odd , do you do any stuff as a family?

toptramp Fri 26-Aug-11 22:34:34

I think you do sound interested in your boys; just not footballl which is fair enough and it is so normal to want your own interests and hobbies. Why not get into cooking, painting etc with your sons when they are with you and then something for you in your own time? Also; surely you could save for a night out occasionally? It sounds like your dh needs to start thinking of your relationship aswell as your sons.

rotool Fri 26-Aug-11 22:34:42

I would not like to watch footy 24 7 either. Can't your son who is not playing/training go with your DH and other son?
You need to talk to your DH about this so you have some time to do what you want to do,it's hard being needed by everyone so much of the time.
Try to make looking after your mum a positive thing, she needs you and it could make you feel better if you realised what a help you are to her. You sound like a lovely mum/wife/daughter and I sincerely hope things get better for you soon.

ssd Fri 26-Aug-11 22:35:16

top, I don't watch them every weekend, but if one is playing then someone needs to be at home with the other one, they don't watch each other, they are very close but very competitive and don't want to watch each other so I'm always stuck with the one who is not playing

and I jump at the chance of the boys having sleepovers but they never happen at the same time and if one of them is away at a sleepover I have no one close enough to ask if they can have the other one so we could go out

and I've asked about babysitting circles, everyone here has family who babysit for them, its a small village. friends have offered but no to have the two together and the one person who has offerd to have the 2 together is always busy when I ask (I have asked 4 times and feel like she just said oh I'll have them but didn't mean it, that happens)

Bluebell99 Fri 26-Aug-11 22:35:38

Can't the boy who isn't playing tag along with his dad and brother? I understand that your dh may be coaching but surely the other child could join in or watch, which would allow you to have some free time. I have a couple of mum friends who are really into the local football, both the dads coach and the mums are treasurer and secretary. Would drive me mad but i know the dads often take the younger child with them. Can you find something that you could do for yourself? A class? I joined the leisure club at a local hotel, and it is great to go to a class ( I do zumba, yoga and pilates and have a swim.)

FigsAndWine Fri 26-Aug-11 22:36:49

Oh god I don't know; I've reread this about five times now, and I've kept refreshing in the hope that someone would reply, because I'm a little pissed now and don't have anything valuable to input. blush But I just wanted to send you a bit of a hug {{ssd}} because you sound upset, and all I can say is that 'this too will pass' and your sons will grow up and you'll have more time for yourself and your marriage. In the meantime though, it sounds like you need some good family experiences to buoy you all up, bond you as a family, and let you feel a bit more bonded than you do at the moment.

I've refreshed the page and thank god some people have responded with more wisdom than I can manage. All I can say is that it will get better as they get older. I think a lot of it at this stage is 'playing' the enthusiastic mum, but as you see the pleasure that gives them, then it becomes more natural as you go along. Some people are natural parents, I think, and some aren't (I'm not) - if you aren't, then you have to learn how to play the part to make your children happy. There's nothing wrong with that, imo.

nickschick Fri 26-Aug-11 22:37:13

What do you enjoy doing?


Try and take up a hobby for yourself one you can share with the ds who is at home - it neednt be professional level but its time out.

ssd Fri 26-Aug-11 22:37:27

cjb, i think you missed the bit that said I've been watching them play for the last 6 years and as we have no family help dh and i do every last thing with the kids so yes you could say we do stuff together as a family

probably when they play and train is the only time they spend apart and thats not a bad thing

HellonHeels Fri 26-Aug-11 22:37:30

I feel for you. It is so hard to realise that your mum is never going to be able to be the mum that you want. I understand that feeling; I see my mum getting older and more self absorbed and needy and so much less able to support me. That alone is really tough, without your other concerns on top. No advice but I hear you.

toptramp Fri 26-Aug-11 22:37:49

Your boys will get older. You sound a bit down. My mum isn't here at all but I did used to feel so frustrated that she couldn't do all the active granny stuff too before she was diagnosed. However, not all grans are active and involved. Some grans aren't even interested in their grandkids. There is a lot of pressure looking after elderly parents. It is a strain.

ssd Fri 26-Aug-11 22:39:19

top doing something with the one who's left at home is a good idea but as dh needs the car for taking whoever is playing to their game its hard to get about here, transport links are shite

Bluebell99 Fri 26-Aug-11 22:39:31

The boys may not WANT to watch their sibling, but you are the adult and you should decide! Be a bit more assertive and get some time for yourself. I have two children too and sometimes they have to go somewhere to watch their sibling. Let them take a ds or a book!

toptramp Fri 26-Aug-11 22:40:10

But do try and enjoy your mum now she is here and try to accept that elderly parents can't support us in the way they used to. It is hard but it is an awful reality and so hard to watch them age.

Bluebell99 Fri 26-Aug-11 22:42:29

How old are your boys?

ssd Fri 26-Aug-11 22:42:37

just to add i can understand posters saying why can't the one who isn't playing tag along with their brother and dad, but that would mean them being out of the house 5 nights a week one trains mon/wed/fri and the other thurs and tue so no homework would ever get done

Hatesponge Fri 26-Aug-11 22:44:57

I have 2 DS, and a (ex) P who was v involved with their football - they both started playing when they were 4 (they are 10 and 13 now). I do like football, which helps, but I have quite a full on job, and so havent always been able to get to weeknight training, all the wkend matches etc. As I wasn't always around, the boys would have to go together - one would watch the others training session or matches. I dont know how old your boys are, but mine were fine with doing this from a fairly young age. DS1 would have a kick about on his own, but if it was DS2 who was 'watching' I'd send him with his DS so he could sit quietly and play that.

You have a lot on your plate with your Mum clearly, and it does sound as though you need some time to yourself - whether that be doing something with your boys other than footy, or just something entirely on your own. Things will improve as they get older but in the meantime you (and your DH - he needs to know how unhappy you are) need to try to find a way to give you some time doing things you enjoy.

winnybella Fri 26-Aug-11 22:46:46

I would just make DH take both dc out. So what that dc don't want to watch each other train hmm

Make sure you get an afternoon/evening a week where you can be left in peace for a bit plus decline going to the Saturday practice-say, go twice a month, if you feel it matters a lot to the boys.

You let the football thing take over your life-maybe it's time that you tell DH that you would like some time on your own here and there. You have to make a change, complaining and not doing anything about it won't make anything better.

cjbartlett Fri 26-Aug-11 22:49:34

God I don't mean to sound heartless but it sounds awful when you ' I'm always stuck with the one who is not playing'
I don't have any family to help either and me or dh work weekends , I'd love to have one to one time with my kids
I see I'm a lone voice though

Bluebell99 Fri 26-Aug-11 22:50:37

Sounds to me like they are doing too much football! Training three times a week is excessive imho! Can't they just train once a week and play matches. No wonder you are fed up with football!

Animation Fri 26-Aug-11 22:51:58

"The boys may not WANT to watch their sibling, but you are the adult and you should decide"

Yes I agree. How about they all go together - because that suits YOU best?

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