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to be upset that ex has been seeing a prostitute

(16 Posts)
floppops Fri 26-Aug-11 22:05:13

I spilt up with my dp in January. I stayed in our rented flat and he stayed with family. He then moved back in against my wishes in May due to financial reasons. Meanwhile I have been in the process of buying a new place which has been taking a long time.. We have a 19 month old dd. I have just found out that he has been seeing a prostitute he says since January. I saw his messages to/from her on his phone after he came back at 5am and I wanted to know where he had been. I am aware it was wrong to look at his phone messages. I also found a wrap of coke in his pocket of his jeans on the floor. Coke and toddler not a good mix. I left straight away. He has now left to stay with family again.
I really feel devastated by this. He has always been trying to get back together and over the last month or so I have been considering it. Feel very stupid and deceived. Also I did know he had seen prostitutes before we got together. He said it was a dark time. I feel guilty that I have had a dd with him and subjected her to him as a father. I also suspect he was seeing prosititutes when our dd was just born and when I was pregnant, I saw an escorts name on his computer back then. He also was using a lot of porn and doing a lot of coke when I was pregnant and when our dd was very little. He wouldn't come near me as soon as he knew I was pregnant.

ouryve Fri 26-Aug-11 22:07:56

He's a twat.

And if you haven't already, get yourself tested for STDs.

picnicbasketcase Fri 26-Aug-11 22:10:52

Exactly what ouryve said. If he was serious about getting back together , he wouldn't be sticking it in unsavoury places and wasting money on drugs.

DuelingFanjo Fri 26-Aug-11 22:14:12

when can you get into your new place?

I would fight hard not to let him back into your flat until you can move out yourself. You are doing the right thing to leave for the coke issue alone. His use of prostitutes is unfortunately his own affair and you should just be relieved that you are no longer in a relationship with him.

floppops Fri 26-Aug-11 22:18:28

I am hoping to be able to move within a couple of weeks. He has keys for the flat and is on the tenancy agreement. He pays the rent here so feels he has the right to stay if he wants to. Hopefully I will be able to move before it becomes an issue.

SmethwickBelle Fri 26-Aug-11 22:18:37

what ouryve said. But if he's an "ex" surely this all reinforces your choice to make it alone? What you should take from this is that nothing changes, at least not now, this is what he is and will be.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 26-Aug-11 22:28:46

I did know he had seen prostitutes before we got together

He wouldn't come near me as soon as he knew I was pregnant.

He has always been trying to get back together and over the last month or so I have been considering it.

If you consider reuniting again, urge him to seek therapy to deal with what may be a form of 'madonna & whore' fixation about women, or he may be addicted to walking on the wild side. It isn't uncommon and can be successfully treated.

I feel guilty that I have had a dd with him and subjected her to him as a father.

There's no need for you to feel guilty and there's no reason to suppose that his prediliction will in any way adversely affect your dd.

Feel very stupid and deceived

Of course you do - it's an entirely natural reaction when we discover that we have been duped. It often happens that we then feel angry with the deceiver, but the anger we feel is often with ourselves for having been so stupid!

When you move into you new home with dd, try to put as much as you can of the negative parts of your relationship with your dp behind you and move into a future that is bright with hope.

As a precaution, vist a STD clinic for reassurance about your sexual health.

Valravn Fri 26-Aug-11 22:29:34

I'm scratching my head as to why you remained with him when he was taking coke during your pregnancy. Surely that was the signal to get out?

His seeing prostitutes is a bit of a red herring really. He's an adult and no longer your DP, his sexual relationships moral or otherwise, morally acceptable to you or not, are his concern alone, as is what time he comes in. (Am wondering also why you let him move back in "against your wishes" mind you).

What matters is that the man is taking coke and has possessed it in your home and that of your child - I'd have ripped his balls off for that.

I think you're well rid of him, stop worrying about who he's shagging and focus on yourself, your DC and a fresh, happy start.

MadamDeathstare Fri 26-Aug-11 22:35:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

floppops Fri 26-Aug-11 22:46:49

I stayed with him hoping when I had our dd he would stop the drugs. He always said he would. I just wanted a family.
I either had to let him move back or stay in a refuge whilst waiting for my house purchase to go through. I cannot afford to rent. I had hoped it was going to be for a shorter time than it has been.
I know I have been stupid. I kept hoping he would change for the sake of our dd. I feel like an awful cliche.

ouryve Fri 26-Aug-11 23:13:07

Consider yourself wiser, now, floppops

And have some totally unmumsnet (((hugs))) while you come to terms with the unpleasant reality.

ShoutyHamster Sat 27-Aug-11 00:00:33


Tell him that he sets foot in the house again and you'll be off to the police with evidence of his drug taking and details of his supply, because you know more than he thinks you do about who he gets them from.

That should put the wind up him.

Then get out, and get on with your life - without HIM in it.

MadamDeathstare Sat 27-Aug-11 01:37:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 27-Aug-11 02:01:49

I hereby second Madam

<<bangs gavel>>

iscream Sat 27-Aug-11 04:01:26

YANBU to feel upset. The man you thought had better sense has turned out to be a big disappointment. He had a chance to show you what he was made of, and well, he did, didn't he.
In time the hurt will be less. Keep your head up, and eyes looking towards the future.

mathanxiety Sat 27-Aug-11 05:10:58

So now you know why he had those financial reasons for moving back with you. Hookers and coke are expensive.

Please do not ever even think of letting this man live with you again, under any circumstances.

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