To want to slap this woman (I didn't, but she was so rude)(51 Posts)
I'm currently 36 weeks pregnant with identical twin girls (and have a dd, 3.5yo). Twins was a surprise but dh and I are delighted (and a little nervous as most expectant parents are). I've had the usual stupid comments, mostly re having 3 girls and that being a nightmare etc but have my replies sorted for that.
Today I waddled into town and in the lift in M&S came across 3 women, 2 with children who asked when I was due etc and were really lovely. An older woman proceeded to tell me how her friend had twins and made comments such as it's an absolute horror, 2 babies crying etc is real hell, poor you, it's going to be horrendous for you.
I just was stunned at how rude this complete stranger was. Wish I'd come up with a good response but I was too stunned. Am I being hormonal or is this a fairly bizarre reaction to what I deem to be good news?
Don't take any notice. Random old ladies often spout nonsense without really thinking about it.
I had one peer into my pram when my second child was a few days old. I also had a toddler boy.
"oohh, another boy. You must be SO disappointed. Never mind, you can always try again."
I was still hormonal and just gaped open mouthed, it was only later that I wished I'd slapped her.
It was a stranger. Ignore her stupid comments. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
Maybe she thought she was helping by telling you what life might be like.
I think there is a certain percentage of little old ladies who just love to be harbingers of doom. A sort of middle class wannabe-banshee if you will. Hold onto that thought next time you encounter one
Awww twins! My friend has twin girls and then another DD. Gorgeous the lot of them and they don't have rule the roost and keep all the boys in check. Congratulations and ignore her. Old ladies do say the daftest things, I expect I'll be one of them.
I have twins - for me the experience was, and still is, a hugely positive, enjoyable and very special one. Lots of people would say it will/must be hard but to be honest I can't say that it has. They aren't perfect little angels, we found our own routine and now that they are 3.5 yrs they are testing the boundaries, ganging up on me but I have laughed every day since they were born.
So..... YANBU. She was talking out of her arse! (unless of course, she is the mother of twins herself and was reflecting on her own experience
It's not really rude, is it, it's just sort of inappropriate. YABU.
I don't think it is rude either. Might be a little tactless, but she probably meant well.
I would have loved to have twins - one pregnancy and two children - bargain!!! (Cowers - in case I have said something wrong! )
I think many people speak without thinking to pregnant women and twins gives them greater opportunity for variety. When I think of some of the things people said to me . Usually that was my worst nightmare, your life will be a living hell, blah, blah variety. It continued until they were out of a pushchair - they don't look like siblings anyway and once free seldom stand still long enough for anyone to get a good look .
I never had a twin mum say anything negative, only supportive. The closest I came to slapping anyone was around the stage you're at and someone told me I shouldn't be taking the lift, I should use the stairs, it would be good for me.
YANBU, I can't imagine why anyone thinks that's the right thing to say.
Mrs and hmc - so going up to a stranger and telling them their life will be hell isn't what you class as rude? I didn't ask for her opinion. Saying it'll be hard work is one thing but to me she overstepped the mark.
Yes, I wouldn't class that as rude. Insulting you, implied or explicit, would be rude, but this wasn't - it was just a rather tactless, odd thing to say, and you would be unreasonable to punch someone for being tactless. IMO.
Well done for not slapping her. With that kind of patience and restraint, twins will be a doddle!
i have twin boys aged 9 and yes it is hard,you do have 2 crying babies but i wouldnt change them for the world!
Oh I've had this (also pregnant with twins).
"Oh I don't envy you!"
"Oh two at once, what a nightmare"
"Oh I could never do two, you're so brave, you'll never get a wink"
etc etc. All from people I don't really know that well or strangers.. THANKS!
Some people like to make small talk in the strangest ways I'm betting that's all it was. Some attempt to 'connect' with you. Although quite how they think telling you things are going to be awful is a good thing to do, I don't know. Maybe an extension of the whole 'oh, poor you' connection through sympathy thing people do?
What to say? Well, "Thanks, but we're actually thrilled and looking forward to it." or "Wow. That's quite negative, isn't it?" something like that, maybe?
YANBU - but I'm afraid it's one of the downsides of being a mother to twins! For some reason everyone feels it necessary to tell you of the horrors - one person told me they'd have committed suicide if they'd found out they were pregnant with twins. Another friend's father who happens to be a clinical psychologist), on finding out my girls were identical, told me Josef Mengele would have been interested in talking to them .
Anyway, well done for rising above it, congratulations on your news - you are blessed .
You'll get more of the same when you're pushing them around in the pram! I got about 50/50 lovely comments and thoughtless ones like "oo, twins! My worst nightmare!" or "Rather you than me, ha ha ha!!".
I used to just smile and say, "yes, having two beautiful healthy babies is SUCH a curse, ha ha ha...".
People think they're expressing sympathy for you having such a hard time of it, when really they've no idea what they're talking about and it's actually pretty offensive when people make negative comments about your children, especially when you're sleep deprived!
Twins are bloody brilliant btw, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
I agree that she probably wasn't meaning to be rude, it's just that some people don't think through what they're saying. At all! And I certainly don't think that this is restricted to old ladies - I don't like all these ageist assumptions, personally. I agree with Bathykolpian said, especially her responses.
I can see why you were though. Deep breath and repeat mantra.... 'tactless people will not upset me'...
Big congratulations on your pregnancy; I always secretly wanted twins (God knows why; I could barely cope with one!).
You'll also probably get asked "Are they IVF?" all the time, often by complete strangers who think your fertility status is public property. A good response to that one is a quizzical expression and "What does that mean?". Usually when they're trying to explain, the penny drops that they're actually asking a rather personal question.
Perhaps I'm just evil.
What an old cow - some people really are insanely insensitive - what did she THINK you would do with that information? Ooohh it makes my blood boil. Just try to tune it all out. Most of it is just making conversation I suppose.
One of my real life friends has 1 year old twins and she's coped fine, has worked out her strategies to cope with two babes and her 4 year old, has a clean house and everyone is clothed.... and is getting fed up with everyone patting her arm all the time and asking if everything is REALLY OK insert concerned look
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