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to not want to go to my brother's child's Christening?

(36 Posts)
LifeIsButtercream Fri 26-Aug-11 13:40:15

Ok - back story - I have a brother who is a few years younger than me, we have never gotten on well, he is (at the risk of sounding one-sided) an aggressive bully. I know 'sibling rivalry' (which my parents had put it down too) is quite normal, but this continued into our twenties, I can honestly say I have never been physically aggressive towards him, but he had on several occasions (when I was home from uni) threatened me and hit me (I once had to barricade mysely into my room), usually if he hadn't had his own way, or mum and dad had refused him money/beers/fags/the use of their car.

My parents often encourage me to 'bridge build', and I have buried the hatchet on numerous occasions only for him to repeat the behaviour. He has also been abusive towards my parents. Lots of bullying behaviour etc.

After an occasion last year I decided enough is enough, I do not want him in my life as I'm not stupid enough to believe that he has 'changed' for the millionth time. We now don't have contact unless we happen to be at my parents at the same time (which I avoid - although my parents sometimes don't tell me that he's there).

Brother has now had a child with his on-off teenage girlfriend. Said child is to be Christened soon, my parents are presuming I'll be attending with DD, I said that we weren't planning on being there, I don't feel that it's appropriate and would be very uncomfortable being there. My parents keep saying that it's a shame, all the family will be there, it's important for DD to see her 'Uncle X' etc. I stress to them that she see's plenty of her family, and I don't call him her 'Uncle', she doesn't know him - I don't want her around someone who thinks it's appropriate to treat people how he does (he has, on a few occasions, not controlled his temper with her around, swearing, slamming doors, threatening and verbal abuse etc).

AIBU to stay away from this event, even though my parents will be annoyed with me for not playing happy families?

LifeIsButtercream Fri 26-Aug-11 13:40:35

Sorry! That ended up pretty long!

scrambedeggs Fri 26-Aug-11 13:41:00

if you dont want to go, dont go


Filibear Fri 26-Aug-11 13:42:24

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 26-Aug-11 13:42:34

Lots of people will tell you
1) be the bigger person,
2) you only get one family so you should allow them to treat you like shit
3) it's not your neice/nephew's fault that they have a twat for a father so build a relationship with them

You know what I say?

I say fuck him.

Life is too short to have bastards in your life simply because of an accident of birth.

LifeIsButtercream Fri 26-Aug-11 13:43:12

Thanks scrambled, just wanted to make sure that I wasn't being unreasonable, it's quite a 'loaded scenario' for me - not easy

GwendolineMaryLacey Fri 26-Aug-11 13:44:04

As your parents appear to have been naff all help with this over the years I wouldn't worry too much about what they think of the situation. My only issue generally is what sort of relationship you want and want your dd to have with the child. But that won't be changed by attendance at this shindig.

But I wouldn't go either.

thefirstmrsrochester Fri 26-Aug-11 13:44:20

Don't go - there is no obligation for you to take part in the 'happy families' charade.
Your brother sounds bloody awful.

diddl Fri 26-Aug-11 13:44:36

Are you interested in a relationship with the mother & child?

kelly2000 Fri 26-Aug-11 13:45:05

I would not go, and I would also say to grandparents that you do not want DD around a violent man plain and simple. If he hit me or threatened me I would have reported him to the police. I wonder if he hits his girlfriend, because if he does social services will end up getting involved and his parents will not eb able to tell them to play happy families.

BeStillMyBeatingFart Fri 26-Aug-11 13:45:24

Nah, do something else with your day!


Sn0wGoose Fri 26-Aug-11 13:46:49

YANBU. Life's too short and you sound like you know it!

I would not put up with such behaviour, even from a sibling.

cjbartlett Fri 26-Aug-11 13:47:15

I'd be worried about the mother and child and would probably maintain some sort of contact to make sure they're okay

LifeIsButtercream Fri 26-Aug-11 13:49:37

As far as I know, brother isn't with his girlfriend anymore, and they live at the other end of the country so it's not like we'll be passing in the street!

My parents think I'm being VVVVU, and they have each other to back themselves up IYSWIM. I'll be tainting their day, people will notice, I'm being 'petty' etc

Thanks for your advice people, has really helped me get a grip on how I feel about this!

bubblesincoffee Fri 26-Aug-11 13:52:30

No, yanbu.

If your brother wanted you there especially, he could make the effort to ask you himself. It is an event for him, his dp and his child, not your parents.

Panzee Fri 26-Aug-11 13:54:31

Have you actually been invited?

LifeIsButtercream Fri 26-Aug-11 13:58:43

Panzee - my parents told me I was going the other day, haven't heard from brother. My parents just said when it was and that I was going, I said we weren't planning on going (heard in the pipeline that it was imminent a while ago) and they said it would be a shame and I needed to 'give it some serious thought'.

So no, not formally invited, just presumed to be attending!

schobe Fri 26-Aug-11 14:01:46


Sounds like your parents have enabled his bullying over the years as well. They should have been protecting you, but it was more important to them to 'keep the peace' and save appearances. They're doing the same now.

Dozer Fri 26-Aug-11 14:02:11

Yanbu, sorry your db is like that.

complexnumber Fri 26-Aug-11 14:09:40

Just how Christian is he to want this ceremony?

LifeIsButtercream Fri 26-Aug-11 14:12:20

complex - I have no idea, parents keep on about it though, think it's more of an oportunity for the baby to meet the family - since they live so far away that only my parents have met him so far

Panzee Fri 26-Aug-11 14:16:12

Oh, well if you haven't been invited... smile

HardCheese Fri 26-Aug-11 14:17:50

I think your obvious response to this is a polite 'I haven't been invited, so I won't be going'. It's entirely possible your nasty brother doesn't want you to be there either, to be honest - or he doesn't want you there enough to invite you - so it's not an unreasonable position.

I get very tired of parents who refuse to accept that adults choose the people they want around them, regardless of blood ties. My mother gets very whiny about the fact I'm not close to my siblings, constantly says things like 'I brought up the most unnatural children!' and sees it as an implied criticism of our childhoods, which it is. But she thinks we should save face in public, whereas I'm much more interested in preserving my own mental health, and so should you be!

Scholes34 Fri 26-Aug-11 15:08:49

Don't say "I'm not going because I'm not invited", as an invitation is bound to turn up and what do you do then? If you don't feel it appropriate to go, then just say "I won't be going". No reasons, no excuses.

kelly2000 Fri 26-Aug-11 15:16:41

Simply tell your parents their son is a violent thug, and whilst they may think that is OK you do not want your child near a violent thug. And as for people noticing, tell them to tell the truth their son has threatend our daughter in the past and has hit her so she stays away. If they have a problem with this then they should pressure him to behave better. If he had hit his girlfriend and she left him woudl they be at hers telling her she should stay with him? I would also point out to them that next time he threatens or hits you you will go to the police so do they really want you near him?
Grrr I get really angry when people think violence is acceptable, but trying to protect yourself from violence is wrong as it upsets the abuser and his enablers!!!!!!

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