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To make other plans rather than spend time with wife's annoying friends?

(24 Posts)
didyouseewhatshedid Fri 26-Aug-11 11:10:13

The wife - without my knowledge - has organised to visit friends next weekend (ie an old friend of hers and her husband). I have never been overly fond of this couple, the main reason being that they are both complete tightwads and they are also thoroughly tedious. They are constantly talking about the price of things and always penny pinching when we're out despite being well off enough to own three houses and generally being very comfortable. It really does grate on me. My wife is quite passive and thinks I am making a thing out of nothing.
Anyway, I have said I don't want to go on this visit so am going to stay at home and watch the footy etc instead. She is not happy and is sulking. AIBU to not want to socialise with people I find irritating?

HeIsSpartacus Fri 26-Aug-11 11:12:09

Do you have friends she is not so keen on that you socialise with? Maybe you can strike a deal to only socialise with these friends alone to save the other's boredom.

I do think it's not on when one half of a couple make any social arrangements expecting the other to fall into line, although it sounds like you would not have wanted to go even if you had known in advance.

Andrewofgg Fri 26-Aug-11 11:14:28

I regularly visit one old friend whom DW can't stand at any price while she visits another old friend whom I can't stand at any price - it works, but all concerned are local, within walking distance for me.

Does you wife get to bail out on you if you arrange a visit to your irritating friends?
If yes, then YANBU
If no, then YABU

My DH and I do sole visits to some friends as they are people we knew before we got married so don't really have a shared history as a couple (also because we are not a must do everything together sort of couple).

Why is your wife upset? Would you feel differently if she had asked you about the visit? How often do you see these people (if its once a year then surely you can live with the tedium for your wife's sake).

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Aug-11 11:16:17

'The wife'?

Aside from that, I wouldn't be happy at being included going away with people it was plain I wasn't keen on.

Why would she want to pressure you to go?

The only reason I'd go was if it was something my DH didn't want to do or found difficult and needed some moral support.

Just for a get together with his friends and he'd be going on his own.

muminthemiddle Fri 26-Aug-11 11:18:59

Your post made me laugh op.
I would stay at home enjoying the footy and let your wife make up a good excuse as to why you can't go.

TrickyBiscuits Fri 26-Aug-11 11:19:31

When you say 'visit' are you talking about an afternoon, or a full weekend?

Are you sure she doesn't ever have to 'suck it up' when it comes to your mates?

didyouseewhatshedid Fri 26-Aug-11 11:19:37

Interesting perspectives. I was expecting a flaming.
FWIW, I do have a friend she doesnt like, an old friend, and never ask her to socialise with him. I think she pressures me to do this because she sees it as being what couples do.
She sees them 2-3 times a year, they have kids similar ages to ours.

didyouseewhatshedid Fri 26-Aug-11 11:20:25

It is a full day visit with the dreadful possibility of an overnight stay.

Gissabreak Fri 26-Aug-11 11:27:58

Message withdrawn

TBar Fri 26-Aug-11 11:28:06

Actually I'd be very happy to leave my DH home to watch the footy too, except that he would want to come so that he could give my friends a hard time; he really enjoys winding people like that up. and then spending far too long quizzing me about why I want to be friends with such people in the first place...YANBU

Jjou Fri 26-Aug-11 11:28:54

YANBU - my DH doesn't mind my best friend, but doesn't like her husband at all, so I don't really expect him to be around when I see them. Why does it matter? If you really don't like them, then surely you're not contributing positively to the visit anyway - wouldn't she enjoy it more without you?

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Aug-11 11:34:58

If you make an excuse this time it won't sort out all the other times you'll be expected to go.

There must be a way of telling her you don't want to go (and won't go) nicely, so she doesn't include you in her plans?

I think you need to be more forceful and direct with her, and not give in to her getting upset about it, trying to turn it round into you being unreasonable etc etc.

MajorB Fri 26-Aug-11 13:48:41

Considering I have some friends that I see regularly that haven't even met my DH (we joke about him being imaginary) I think YANBU, BUT have you given her the option of you looking after the kids whilst she goes off and sees her friends without the kids in tow - maybe leaving her friend's h at home too, so the two women can actually have a decent catch up?

Whilst I'm happy to visit friends without my DH, I do sometimes begrudge the fact that I can drive 100 miles, spend an entire day with an old friend but not actually get to finish a sentence as I'm too busy wiping my DC's bums/feeding the DC's/playing games with the DC etc. So at the end of the day I don't feel like I've had a proper conversation with the person I actually wanted to see, I'm shattered, and it's all just been a stressful day of childcare with a long journey either side. I would be annoyed if I then returned home to my DH who had enjoyed a stress-free day in front of the telly.

(However if the kids are teenagers and will happily wander off and entertain themselves then ignore my suggestion!)

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Fri 26-Aug-11 13:51:56

They sound awful. I don't blame you for not wanting to spend time with them.

If they are so horrible - what does your wife see in them? Why don't you get her to tell you all the things she loves about them and that make her want to keep them in her life.

Either you will see them in a new light

Or she will!

LRDTheFeministDragon Fri 26-Aug-11 13:57:44

You're a couple - you don't share a single brain. Therefore, you don't have to like the same people. I'd be really fed up if DH made plans for me, without checking with me first, too.

IMO, there should be a bit of compromise about who you socialize with as a couple - but you should talk about it first, not have one person making plans and roping the other one in. That's just rude.

KurriKurri Fri 26-Aug-11 13:58:32

Punishment for use of 'The Wife' is a recording of tedious friends tightwad phrases played on a loop directly into your ear (instead of watching the footy obviously).

Apart from that, if you can't stand them, then don't go, you can't expect to like all of each other's friends. Dh has one I can't abide - I avoid him like the plague.

I suspect that however much you try to hide the fact, these friends are aware that you don't like them, - its usually pretty obvious - and will be quite relieved you aren't going.

bubblesincoffee Fri 26-Aug-11 14:01:46

I'd go, but on the condition it is not an overnight thing.

My dh has a friend I can't stand, but I ocassionally spend time with him for my husbands sake. It makes him happy, so I'm happy to do it as long as it's not too often. Married couples should do these things for eachiother sometimes, it's about compromise.

If you really don't want to do it, you offer to have the kids for the day and suggest she and her friend have a girls lunch and shopping day at your expense instead.

Suncottage Fri 26-Aug-11 14:08:16

I think you are not BU.

My DP has friends that I don't see. The man is okay but the woman drives me to distraction, I much prefer he goes on his own. I get the remote control all to myself and can drink as much wine as I like.

We don't always have to do everything together smile

Perfect evening.

pippilongsmurfing Fri 26-Aug-11 14:18:35

YABU - if your wife puts up with friends of yours she finds tedious

YANBU - if she doesn't go with you to visit the people she dislikes

MadamDeathstare Fri 26-Aug-11 14:25:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare Fri 26-Aug-11 14:25:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache Fri 26-Aug-11 14:26:44

YANBU. DH and I always consult each other before making plans, even if we know for a fact the other person is free and would enjoy what's being planned. It's a matter of basic respect to run it by the other person first! If your wife is making plans which include you, involving people she knows you dislike, she's not showing you a great deal of consideration.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld Fri 26-Aug-11 14:34:40

YABU for 'The wife', she's a human being, not a possession.

YANBU for not wanting to spend time with this couple.

I agree with the suggestion that you look after the kids while your DW catches up with her friend.

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