To be assertive or AIBU?

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

I have a situation with my (twunt of an) EX and I really want to grow some balls and assert myself using the techniques and advice that I've seen recently on quite a few threads. Mostly he wears me down and I just give in to his demands to avoid stress and confrontations.

Recently I have been saying NO!!! to him and it feels bloody great! However in this instance, whilst I am really desperate to say no to his most recent request /demand I actually am not sure if I am being unreasonable or not.

EX lives quite far away from me, he comes to see DC every month. He has said he intends to move here and rent a flat/small house. He has asked me to "lend" him the money to rent somewhere and he will "pay me back" an agreed amount each monrj. He does not work at present, has shown no intention of going back to work anytime soon, he currently lives with his mum.

I don't want to "lend" him any money, I don't trust him to. pay me back, he has a history of helping himself to my money.

I think I might BU not to do it though as the DC really miss their dad, and it would of course be of benefit to them if he lived a lot closer. This is the argument EX has used - he knows what buttons to push with me.

Another reason is that I probably don't want to do it because I don't want him living near me - now I know that is unreasonable but I'm only human and I really bloody dislike him, and I struggle to cope with his bullying, selfishness, controlling manner, self-entitled attitude etc etc and its so much easier to deal with it when he is miles away.

[pictish]

No!

His parenting is now his own concern. He needs to get a job.

[kickassangel]

Do not lend him any money. Yanbu. If he wants to be closer to the kids he will work it out

[pictish]

If he can't be arsed to make the effort required to be near his son, why the hell should you facilitate it?

He's at his mums - he could get a job, save for three months and be good to go. Without owing you a penny.

You will never see that money again by the way.

[pictish]

IF you 'lend' it.

Just don't do it.

[Gillybean73]

Go with your gut instinct here - DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!

You are definitely not being unreasonable, he is being unreasonable for even asking. If he was that concerned about seeing his children he would get his finger out of his butt and get a job then he would have the money to see his children and support them.

Even if you did give him the money, what guarantee would you have that he would even use it for what he says he will??

No no no no no no!!!

[fuzzysnout]

Err, YADNBU. It is not your responsibility to lend him money & it sounds as though he would only cause more trouble for you if he did whichwouldnt help your DC at all. If he genuinely wants to move closer to them he will find a way to do that without your help. As you rightly identify he is trying to manipulate you. Carry on being assertive and just say no!

[kickassangel]

If he can find the funds to pay you back, he could find the funds to save up the money in advance

[LadyBeagleEyes]

Are you mad?
Sorry, not being mean but also can't believe you need to ask this question.
The answer is no. Repeat after me NO.

[pictish]

Or repeat after me...

Hahaaahahaaa!!

Nice try

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

Thank you all! Yes I am bloody mad. It's the emotional blackmail - it gets me everytime. And if I was reading this I would be saying the same as you all are. And that's what I think now, that its his concern and he needs to sort it out. This situation is all of his own making BTW but he does such a good job of turning it round to being MY fault that I end up believing that it is.

And I feel so, so guilty about my DC esp when they are crying for their dad ...

Just to point out, I'm not loaded or anywhere near it - I budget, save, and scrimp (whenever possible) and have gone back to work now my savings are running low.

Thanks again for the YANBU's I might get some sleep now!

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

If their Dad cared about their tears he'd get a job.

When would it end. If you lent him money for a place, given that he doesn't work, what would happen whilst he looked for a job? If he hasn't got the cash to get a place how would he pay the utility bills? You wouldn't want your DCs in a cold house in the winter would you? And what about beds? Would you have them sleeping on the floor when they visit his new place? And what would they eat? Do you want them to survive on beans? And what would they do? If he can't afford to take them swimming/bowling/to the cinema?

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

And if you 'scrimp and save', he's not just taking money, he's taking your financial security. If you lent him the money, what would happen if you had an unexpected bill eg the car broke down?

[LadyBeagleEyes]

You sound like a brilliant mum Tiny.
Don't you dare waver. If you do, come back here, we'll talk some sense into you.

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

Ah. It ate some of my post!

I also said, what if you lost your job?

[NorfolkBroad]

YANBU My god, please don't even think about it. What a lazy, maniuplative guy! Stay strong.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

YANBU. Let him borrow from his mother. You'd never get it back.

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

I know you're all absolutely right, and I don't want to do it, I really don't. So I'm not going to.

He is visiting the DC this weekend so I will get prepared for his full onslaught. I'm not planning to argue or give reasons, just say no, I can't and no, I don't want to. I may even direct him to MN!

I think I may be back over the weekend for some further telling off from you.

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

He thinks I can afford it because I am due to receive a sum of money (not a huge amount, but decent enough and am very grateful for it) but that money is security for my DC, you never know what the future holds.

He says that he should have some because when we were together money was shared, in other words, I've had his money and now I 'owe' him. Erm, not how I remember it at all.

He actually wants me to pay 3-6 months rent plus deposit. He will then 'pay' me back from HB every month.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

As above of course you cannot compromise your financial security, which is all you and your dc have, by lending money to your twunt of an ex for ANYTHING.

IN view of what happened to a recent poster, change your online banking passwords and hide your debit/credit cards somewhere safe where prying eyes and light fingers can't get at them.

Out of curiousity, where does the twunt stay when he comes to see his dc and does he pay any maintenance?

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

Whereyouleftit he can't get it from his mum, she is skint as currently supporting him. She no longer gets her DLA mobility money as she (stupidly) got a Motobility car for him to use, and needless to say he gives her nothing towards it.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Ah, I get it! He knows you're due for a lump sum - okay, so that's been delayed, who knows when you might receive it and, in the meantime, he'll have to get off his arse, get a job, and organise and pay for a move if that's what he wants to do.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

He actually wants me to pay 3-6 months rent plus deposit I bet he does!!

O dear, you have to laugh. What a joker he is - just make bloody sure that the joke isn't on you.

[TinyWeeTeethGreatBigBite]

Izzy I used to let him stay here but I stopped that (MN told me to ) now he stays at travellodge or with a mutual friend (mostly friend as thats free!)

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"... whilst I am really desperate to say no to his most recent request /demand I actually am not sure if I am being unreasonable or not."

Oh OP, you are most definitely not being unreasonable in the slightest!