Keeps on lying - what to do?

[connorsmum88]

Hi there
Ive just joined so bear with me!
My sons dad and i split in march and a month ago he got with someone else - which doesnt bother me in the slightest as it was me that initiated the split. However, i had asked him that whenever he had our son (which is one day at weekend for 5 hours as hes in the army) he wasnt to allow him to meet his new gf as he gets attached too easily (ie incase they split etc). It would be fine for them to to meet after a few months ie 3, but not just now.
Turns out our son has met her twice now and i was never told. only way i found out he turned up to take our son and she was hiding in the car!!!
Iv said hes not getting our son alone until i can trust him not to go behind my back ie ill be with him - is this too far or what else can u suggest?
PS his new gf is 17 - he is 25. our son is 2.

[squeakytoy]

You can ask him, but you cant insist on it. As you were the one who instigated the split, I would say you have even less higher ground to stand on with that request too.

[Tortington]

bet its not long before the new gf is preggers.

i don't like your ultimatum, i think your 2 yr old will get over it if they split

however this doesn't negate the fact that he has acted like an utter cock

[connorsmum88]

i suppose so....i was just so angry that he had lied again - thats the reason we split....hahahaha! couldnt have put it better CUSTARDO

[worraliberty]

How can he get attached to her if he only sees her for a couple of hours a week when he sees his Dad?

I don't think you can do anything about this really and you certainly shouldn't be stopping him seeing his son over it.

how's that fair on your DS?

[BimboNo5]

I'd ring Jezza and ask his advice personally

[bakeyouhappy]

A 2yo may like her, have fun etc. But will not be 'attached' after 5 hours a week. He may be sad and ask where she is if they split, but it won't break his heart. All you can do is be there for your son if and when he is let down, not only in this situation, but in life in general. When parents split it is frustrating, but you can't stop your x doing what he wants. Your disapproval will encourage him to lie, I'm afraid.

[connorsmum88]

im not stopping him seeing ds at all i wouldnt do that...im just sick of him lying to us and agreeing to something n deliberately going against it without discussing it with me. ds gets attached really easily to people - its happened a few times n he still asks for people who arent around anymore.

[worraliberty]

And how come you're worried about him being attached to her and getting upset if they split

But you're not worried about stopping contact with his own Dad unless he does as you say?

[worraliberty]

But you said he's not going to be allowed to see his own son alone unless he does what you say.

Can you see how controlling that is?

[NorfolkBroad]

I do know what you mean. It is really hard when you split up and your child spends time away from you with your ex. I agree that trust is REALLY important in this situation. I absolutely understand about your ex not introducing his gf too early but he has obviously ignored that request. Does he get it now that you have had it out? What was his reaction?

[connorsmum88]

MadamDeathstare - i think u have hit the nail on the head at what i was worried about with the keeping secrets as thats how i found out ds has met her previously. Nothing has been through courts though.

Im sorry if ive been unclear - i am NOT stopping contact at all - i said i would be with ds and the ex.

[worraliberty]

Yes but what if he doesn't want you to be there at the contact?

What if he wants contact with his own son without you being there as is his right?

Are you saying that if he refuses to have you there and wants his girlfriend there instead you'll allow that?

[connorsmum88]

his reaction was to start shouting and going off on one so i asked him to leave as he was upsetting DS. He called me a few names and said i was unreasonable but i was angry. He knows how much important trust and honesty is to me.

[connorsmum88]

i honestly havent thought about that worraliberty....i am just really annoyed at the fact hes lied but i think if we had to sit down n talk we might come to an arrangement but i still dont want DS meeting her just yet. If he's been with her for a month, he has only seen her properly 4times which i think is too soon for DS to meet her.

[NorfolkBroad]

No, she's not saying that. She is saying that she wants to be there with them both until she feels she can trust her ex not to lie. It may be that she is not allowed to say that but i understand her worries and her desire to protect her son.

[worraliberty]

Yes but I don't think you have a right to lay down the law and then complain when he lies to you for an easy life.

FWIW I understand why you don't want him to introduce him so early, but you have to remember you are both your son's parents and one doesn't get to make the rules all the time.

If he's happy to introduce her to him, that's his right.

If your son gets attached easily and still asks for people who are no longer around...well he's the same as most toddlers really. It's part of life.

He'll have friends and teachers he'll get attached to. If they want to move away, you can't prevent that either.

[pictish]

I'm so sorry OP, but as his father it's ultimately his choice on this matter.
I happen to agree with your pov, but you can't enforce it this way.
Yabu.

[connorsmum88]

of course im going to 'complain' when he lies - iv told him for 4yrs if hes honest itl be alot less stressful and hurtful if we can sort it out honestly. in one ear and out the other lol!

i know that if he has ds he will meet his gf whether i like it or not but id rather i knew about it

[connorsmum88]

no at all MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING - he is in Catterick completeing Army training and he is only up at weekends (im in scotland) - he spends full fri and sun at his gfs and gets ds from 12 till 5 - his call x

[connorsmum88]

iv always said if i get with someone else, they wouldnt see ds till at least maybe 3 - 4 months in x