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To tell dh he is being Silly and ignore his latest decree?

(23 Posts)
Atwaroverscrabble Thu 25-Aug-11 07:46:10

ok... Dh had a night shift on Sunday and during his catch up sleep he had 2 nightmares

1) the house was swarmed inside and out with bugs the size of his hand

2) dd(21 months) somehow managed to climb up and open the bathroom window and fell out (we have a tall window, about 2ft off the ground by the toilet, its a double glazed window so you push in a button to open while moving the handle)

Dh has now decreed that this window must be kept locked. I refuse to do this as there are 2 males in this house plus i have ibs so having a window to open is vital (tmi but smelly!). I told him he was over reacting and he has it in his head that dd can sneak out of the lounge, through 2 stairgates, climb up, open window (see above) all without me noticing! (we have open plan kitchen/lounge ane you can see both stair gates from sofa!)

He came in after i went to bed last night and left as i was getting dd up today, i went to the bathroom with dd and needed to open the window but it was locked and the key was gone!!

I sent him a text telling him i was pissed off and didnt appreciate being treated like a child incapable of ensuring dd was safe! I told him he was riddiculous and overbearing.. Was ibu??

Tee2072 Thu 25-Aug-11 07:49:11

He's overreacting. And being very very silly.

mumatron Thu 25-Aug-11 07:49:50

Yanbu.

Tell him to get some sort of child proof lock that means you can open window, but not enough to fall out of.

Tortington Thu 25-Aug-11 07:50:24

no yanbu

there are other methods which involve being able to open the window - but not fully to ensure children don't fall out. Social Landlords often use these in communal areas

Mitmoo Thu 25-Aug-11 07:50:51

Seems simple to sort out. Agree to keep window locked put key in a pot/toothbrush holder in the bathroom, you open it while you need to, lock it when you don't while he comes out of his anxiety problems.

Quenelle Thu 25-Aug-11 07:53:24

You never lock upstairs windows in case of fire. Very dangerous. DS's window has a childproof latch thingy that locks it in place even when slightly open.

Quenelle Thu 25-Aug-11 07:53:24

You never lock upstairs windows in case of fire. Very dangerous. DS's window has a childproof latch thingy that locks it in place even when slightly open.

SuchProspects Thu 25-Aug-11 07:56:43

He acted hysterically and treated you like a child and YANBU to be annoyed with him.

For what it's worth we're on the 5th floor with windows like yours and we keep them locked for our 2.5y DCs, one of whom is quite recklessnessadventurous. Of course we don't have stair gates and flights of stairs between the Dcs and the windows. I think it is possible she will be capable of opening stair gates and going to the loo on her own before her judgement over heights and risks is good. So thinking about what to do in the future if your DC seems a might too keen to climb wouldn't be a bad idea (and may keep your DH busy. In the meantime, matches or candles can help with smelly toilets.

SuchProspects Thu 25-Aug-11 07:58:28

In the meantime, matches or candles can help with smelly toilets. When you don't want to open the window. I don't mean you should keep the window locked shut.

mamas12 Thu 25-Aug-11 08:12:41

Tee hee replacing one anxiety (falling out of windows) with another (fire)
It does sound like your dh is suffering from some form of anxiety get him to a dcotor or talk to him about what's really bothering him.

Huffythetantrumslayer Thu 25-Aug-11 08:14:18

Does he not realise that dreams aren't real?

Mitmoo Thu 25-Aug-11 08:18:38

He's got some anxiety issues going on there Huffy they can be really awful and atwar needs to take this as a bit of a red flag that something is up and it's not about him not trusting her, but his own anxieties at the route of it. IMO anyway, certainly worth considering.

Mitmoo Thu 25-Aug-11 08:20:27

Sorry your headline says his "latest" decree, that sounds like this is not the first one, is there a pattern of behaviour behind this?

ballstoit Thu 25-Aug-11 08:31:51

I dont think either of you are being U. Having suffered with anxiety myself, your DH has my sympathy. There is no logic to his thoughts, but he has them and this is his way of dealing with them. My DC still sleep in my bed most nights, thanks to me bringing them in every night for 2 years, because I was so frightene there would be a fire in the night.

Has your DH ever spoken to anyone about his anxiety? I wish I had done so, particularly as mine turned out to have a physical cause (thyroid). Cognitive Behaviour Therapy may help if this is an ongoing pattern of behaviour.

Op, you still have my sympathy...ex-H's affair was partly caused by my random behaviour sad

ouryve Thu 25-Aug-11 08:49:10

YANBU.

My windows can be opened about an inch, then locked so they can't be opened any further. I'm glad they do because I have kids who actually would climb out, if they got half a chance. Perhaps doing something like this would set his mind at ease, but still ventilate the bathroom.

ShoutyHamster Thu 25-Aug-11 08:55:26

Be packing to leave when he comes home - when he asks, tell him in serious and anxious tones that there is NO WAY you and DD will live with the fire risk of sleeping in a house where another adult is locking upstairs windows and hiding the key. For that matter, you won't live with the uncertainty and aggressiveness of another adult who thinks it's ok to make unilateral decisions like that - what next? Him dreaming that DD escaped down the road and so he locks you in the house all day? Dreaming that DD chokes on a piece of food swiped from the table and so you are all banned from eating anything that's not pureed?

Make him see not only how ridiculous he is being with this imaginary scenario, but how terribly damaging it is for him to show you that he doesn't respect you and your caring for your child. Respect works both ways so if he wants you to lose respect for him he's going the right way. The issue here is his anxiety issues - make him see that.

ShoutyHamster Thu 25-Aug-11 08:57:38

Oh and make an appointment with the doctor for him, and look into counselling - even book him in somewhere. When he erupts that you have no right to treat him like a child and make appointments for him, etc., say 'Yes, it's not nice being treated with a total lack of respect, is it?'

Atwaroverscrabble Thu 25-Aug-11 09:08:37

Dh is over anxious about most things tbh! He unplugs everything, always feels he has to remind me to lock up/turn off things, tells me not to have hot drinks near dd etc...

And yet, he is the only one who has left doors unlockef, he left cheese on toast in the grill while he went to the shop when younger and the fire brigade was called....

Atwaroverscrabble Thu 25-Aug-11 09:13:32

I do call him on it every time and have mirrored it back to him but it doesnt help..

He has an aversion to doctors (has high blood pressure but only gets repeat prescriptions and won't go for check ups, has tinitis and a ear balance problem but again won't go back to be checked... About 5-6 years ago he had social anxiety and wouldnt go out much. Now he drinks too often and won't just stay in and relax without a beer...)

Mitmoo Thu 25-Aug-11 09:13:33

The fire incident could well have started off an anxiety issue, don't see this as him getting at you but as him having a very real problem. I wouldn't do anything to increase his anxiety as that will just make him worse but I would be talking to him about getting help with it.

Neither of you are being unreasonable I just think that you both need to look at the problem from a different angle and see that it is routed in anxiety not a lack of trust in you.

Mitmoo Thu 25-Aug-11 09:18:55

X posted with your last thread, his behaviours have anxiety written all over them and the last post has confirmed my suspicions.

He drinks that will put his BP up and you are in a vicious circle then he won't go back to the doctors. I am not sure what you can do about it without his agreement.

I think you probably need to sit down and have a heart to heart rather than a row. What Ive had to learn is that shouting at someone who has anxiety is a complete waste of your time and energy but having a heart to heart about how it makes you feel is more helpful.

Try to get him to open up to you if he won't go elsewhere to find out what his fears are if he doesn't say to you "lock the doors". His logical brain will tell him that you will do it anyway no matter what he says. His anxiety brain might be telling him "if I don't tell her to lock the doors, they'll be left wide open and someone will abduct ds" even though he knows it wont happen.

Anxiety is awful for the people living with it and the sufferer but it is a very real condition nevertheless.

zelda1982 Thu 25-Aug-11 09:21:38

Maybe tell him that you need to call an exterminator to get rid of any bugs in the house before the reproduce and you are over-run. When he says dont be daft remind him about the window?? grin

ShoutyHamster Thu 25-Aug-11 09:26:15

But if he expects to have the benefits of an adult relationship he has to see that he is not entitled to act upon his anxieties in the way he does.

If this is really about raging anxiety as opposed to being a bossy controlling idiot, he has a choice - go to the doctor and deal with the problem, or watch his marriage and co-parenting relationship eventually degrade beyond repair thanks to his behaviour.

Like I said, if he thinks it's ok to do what he did this morning, it has to be ok e.g. for the OP to get the window lock taken off while he is in work, in order to prevent him curtailing how SHE leads her life. He simply doesn't have the right to treat her like that and he should expect her to calmly circumvent him if he does. Maybe that's a good way to go, OP - simply overrule - treat him as you are being treated. Take the lock away if he can't be trusted to act sensibly around the issue. When he baulks, tell him that you are showing him as of from now that you WON'T ACCEPT the whole family gradually adjusting to living with a controller, you will continue to take steps like this in response to his behaviour, so he NEEDS to go to the doctor, before issues like this end up turning a good marriage into an unhappy one.

Your last post has alarm bells ringing - there is clearly a lot wrong with him at the moment. I would urge you to look at dealing with what is clearly beginning to be a problem NOW - before it is a real, too-big-to-handle problem. It sounds as if he is on the road to alcohol abuse and has longstanding anxiety issues that simply aren't getting resolved. Sounds drastic I know, but I'd be making it clear that avoiding tackling it isn't an option - that I wanted it tackled NOW, BEFORE it gets worse. And especially, before your DD gets big enough to be affected by it.

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