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Genuine AIBU: Why doesn't my neighbour want to know me & DD?

(70 Posts)
VermiciousKid Wed 24-Aug-11 15:00:48

My next door neighbour has a toddler daughter the same age as DD. We attended the same mother and baby groups for the first 6 months and I thought we got on OK - I've always made every effort to be friendly and pleasant.

In recent months, however she and some other mums from the groups all arrange to do things together and exclude me. I wasn't invited to any 1st bithday parties. My neighbour knows that I have no family living locally and no friends with young children, so it can get very, very lonely for me (I have a DP). Despite this she still invites other mums round to her house so I can hear them chatting and their children playing in the garden, while I'm at home alone, uninvited sad.

I don't expect her to be my best friend by virtue of her living next door, of course not. But for the benefit of our DDs I though we could at least make some effort.

I'm a grown woman in my 30s and should probably know better, but I'll admit I'm REALLY hurt all this. I just don't understand where I've gone wrong that people would knowingly want to hurt me so much.

AIBU to be so upset by this?

Changing2011 Wed 24-Aug-11 15:04:23

you cant make her want to hang out with you so Id put effort in to finding other friends to be honest. People like that arent worth the bother.

VermiciousKid Wed 24-Aug-11 15:06:01

I've started to make new mummy friends elsewhere!

It's wierd though...they must know this is pretty rude...all meeting up NEXT DOOR!

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Wed 24-Aug-11 15:06:27

YANBU to be upset by it. Loneliness is a dreadful thing, YAB a bit U to expect to be invited as a matter of course.
If she has lived there longer, she probably has a long standing group of friends.
Are you able to join a different mother and baby group? I know nothing of things like that, DD was born abroad and other English speaking mums were few and far between.

sparkle12mar08 Wed 24-Aug-11 15:06:45

I don't think she does knowingly hurt you. She probably just doesn't think about you at all. I'm in pretty much the same position, my neighbour with children the same age as mine withdrew very quickly shortly after she moved in, and basically intimated that she felt the group we went to wasn't really for her. So we say hi in the street but that's it. I don't think about her and she doesn't think about me I don't doubt.

You obviously thought the friendship might develop and grow over time, and it's a shame it hasn't, but you musn't dwell on it as you'll dig yourself a deep pit of hurt and it's not worth it, it really isn't.

YANBU to feel what you feel, but do try and move on.

Dawnybabe Wed 24-Aug-11 15:07:25

If I were you I'd just ask her. Say you don't mean to be weird but is there any reason why you seem to have been excluded from the group? Say you're not bothered, you've got your own friends, but you'd like to get to know her and you'd like your dd's to be friends.

It does seem a bit mean if you can quite clearly hear them all next door and they haven't invited you, but obviously you can't make someone like you. Unless you've been clingy and invasive and annoying, there must be a reason for her dismissiveness. Perhaps she didn't think you wanted to come? I don't think you're going to get to the bottom of it unless you ask her.

Oh and don't forget, it works both ways. Invite her round. Get the ball rolling. You have to put in half the effort yourself to make a friendship work!

VermiciousKid Wed 24-Aug-11 15:07:57

I've lived here for 11 years...she's lived here for 2.

The mums she has round are the same mums we both met at the same time and the same baby grroups. That's what grates.

Birdsgottafly Wed 24-Aug-11 15:08:02

They aren't knowingly hurting you, it may have not occured to her to invite you.

All you could do is sit out in your garden whilst they are out and if you aren't asked over, give up on the idea and think of ways that you can make friends elsewhere.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Wed 24-Aug-11 15:08:05

I've just read your 15.06 post. I dont' think it is rude, not everyone can get on with everyone else. Proximity doesn't make the heart grow fonder.

Changing2011 Wed 24-Aug-11 15:09:10

She cant help where she lives! And she may have had these friends before she loved there.

You are being a bit territorial - imagine if she got upset because you had your mates round?

ObiWan Wed 24-Aug-11 15:09:17

Have you invited any of the others over to your house?

Perhaps they think that you'd make the first move if you wanted a 'going to each others houses' type friendship.

Or are you coming across as a bit 'needy'? If the woman is afraid that she's going to have to act as your 'prop' in social situations, she might find it a bit off-putting.

VermiciousKid Wed 24-Aug-11 15:09:54

TBH I'm worried about the impact on DD and probably being very paranoid.

DD will be an only for medical reasons and I'm just a bit gutted that she doesn't really get to see the other little girl that lives just next door.

SinicalSal Wed 24-Aug-11 15:10:10

I wouldn't ask her, but I do agree with the rest of Dawnybabe's advice to make few overtures of friendship yourself.

Ragwort Wed 24-Aug-11 15:10:24

Why don't you invite the other mums (and her) round to your house for a coffee one day?

Birdsgottafly Wed 24-Aug-11 15:10:28

She may be thinking that you didn't want to mix with the others, or that you have your own set of friends, seeming as you have been there so long.

Do you come across as very independant or that you enjoy your own company.

Also be careful what you wish for, as they say, you may find all isn't as rosy in the group as it looks.

VermiciousKid Wed 24-Aug-11 15:10:28

I don't see her enough to come accross as needy.

SinicalSal Wed 24-Aug-11 15:11:59

She may be the type that thinks Good Fences Make Good Neighbours. I lean a little to that myself, next door relationships can easily slide over into invasive. she may be afraid of that.

SouthernFriedTofu Wed 24-Aug-11 15:12:19

I'm in a very similar situation to you. Home alone with a 7 month old, no friends, and can't drive so I can't go out and make any. IT's hard and its loneky. BUt yabu to expect them to include you jut because, your neighbour might feel things could get akward if you don't hit it off etc.

Try and ask them all to your house (including neighbour) and see what happens.

Good luck

tethersend Wed 24-Aug-11 15:14:36

Have you invited her round?

That way, you can work out if you actually like her wink

microfight Wed 24-Aug-11 15:14:47

Simple solution is to invite them all to yours surely?

muminthemiddle Wed 24-Aug-11 15:15:10

YANBU.
Some people are very cliquey. I agree that she probably isn't deliberately excluding you though.

lesley33 Wed 24-Aug-11 15:16:48

Agree that the woman next door is probably not trying to hurt you. She invites her friends round, as people do and probably doesn't think twice about you.

One of the problems with loneliness ime is that it is easy to overthink situations like this.

I have some sympathy for your neighbour. I meet people who are really nice, but I don't pursue their friendship further because:

1. We never really click. Hard to explain, but I have met people who seem really nice but we are never able to get past that first step of polite chat. And yet there is nothing that I could identify that I don't like about them.

2. Groups of friends have their own dynamic. And some people however nice, may affect that dynamic negatively. For example, if everyone else likes to joke about, then introducing someone to the group who is serious may not work - and vice versa.

I think you need to get out and make some friends of your own.

MyMamaToldMe Wed 24-Aug-11 15:16:54

I agree with everyone else that has said it - invite them all around to yours!

Whatmeworry Wed 24-Aug-11 15:17:08

YANBU, but some people just don't "clique" - could be 101 reasons - and you just have to find your own circle of friends.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin Wed 24-Aug-11 15:21:38

'I've lived here for 11 years...she's lived here for 2.
The mums she has round are the same mums we both met at the same time and the same baby grroups. That's what grates.'

That's odd, I would have expected you to be the newbie.
I think what grates is that her social skills and ability to make friends easily is something you would like and don't appear to have. She met them at the same time as you, so if all things were equaal, they would all be coming around to your house. Unless you haven't reached out and invited them that is.

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