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to make DH go to the GP to discuss...

(56 Posts)
HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 13:03:53

Married for 5 years, 2 DCs.

Been to relate. Both had individual counselling.

DH has no sex drive - never has. If I initiate he will reciprocate. After the first couple of years of this game, I have stopped initiating because part of the wole sex thing for me is the being wanted part.

Hundreds of rows later, no change after counselling, I have told him that he needs to discuss this with the GP (as counselling hasn't worked) as though I am prepared to put up with this for now, I cannot guarantee that it will not be a deal breaker in the future.

He has been this way in all of his previous relationships which have all ended due to irreconcilable differences over sex.

I love him, he is a brilliant dad and good husband but I want a great husband.

Have I done wrong here? Feeling the guilt.

fanjobanjowanjo Wed 24-Aug-11 13:07:31

Nope, needs sorting! It makes you feel horrifically unsexy if your partner doesn't appear to 'want you'. I have this issue on and off with my DP too, you aren't alone xx

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 13:11:27

Thanks Fanjo - Good name by the way!

I hate feeling so crap and having the nagging feeling of it being my fault...

Ragwort Wed 24-Aug-11 13:14:22

Difficult - I am in the same situation as your DH - have absolutely no sex drive, would be very happy to be celibate for the rest of my life.

Appreciate it is very difficult (from both points of view) but I wouldn't be very happy if my DH sent me to the GP.

Perhaps we could swap DHs? grin.

fanjobanjowanjo Wed 24-Aug-11 13:16:40

Be strong, it is not your fault, it's something personal to him. I know how bad it can make you feel, but it is his issue. It's not unreasonable to get him to give the GP a go to see if you can sort it, sex is an important part of the relationship. I found that encouraging DP to compliment me when I'd made an effort etc helped to boost my confidence in how attractive he finds me. (We had a conversation about it, and I asked if he noticed when I did these things to look nice, and he said he did but just didn't say anything [rolls eyes]! I said, "well do!" :D and he does now).

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 13:19:44

Ha! Ragwort This is the thing. I love him and want him to be happy. I know that sitting discussing the fact that he never really has a desire to poke his wife is not going to make him happy and as a grown up I don't have the right to make him do anything.

I would never have an affair. If things cannot be reconciled between us at this moment in time I would stay with him anyway because I love him/don't want to be without him/it suits me.

However, I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot guarantee that this will always be the case. Before I met him I loved sex. Now it is a subject which causes me upset.

I love him, I always want him to be happy but there are two of us in this relationship and surely I deserve my share of the bargain?

LRDTheFeministDragon Wed 24-Aug-11 13:24:15

Oh, that sounds awful for both of you.

Personally, I wouldn't see sex as 'my share of the bargain' - I don't imagine he wants to have no sex drive. But if eventually it will become a dealbreaker for you, yes, it's totally reasonable to expect him to go to the GP, IMO.

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 13:32:01

Yes - maybe a strange choice of words!! Not really a bargain situation.

The frustration talking??

LRDTheFeministDragon Wed 24-Aug-11 13:34:57

Understandable.

I hope you and he can get it sorted. sad

minipie Wed 24-Aug-11 13:38:26

Hmm.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to see if there is something he can do about it, as others have said, sex is important. I'm not sure there is going to be much the GP can do, though...

The thing is, he has always been like this, so you married him knowing that was something you would have to compromise on. So, while you are not being U to wish he would change, you are being a bit U to talk about the "bargain" - after all, the bargain you made was to choose to marry him, as he was (and is).

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 13:48:18

To be honest - in the first couple of years I didn't really notice this (or maybe I did but didn't really want to acknowledge it because he is so amazing in every other way). I would always initiate therefore, because I had a sex drive we had sex so it wasn't really something that was a problem.

I did at some point realise that we only ever had sex if I did initiate things - possibly sometime after birth of DS. By this point we were married and so I'm not entirely sure that I chose to marry him/have DCs with him knowing full well that I would eventually be commiting to a celibate existence.

Looking back, I would still have married him - I love him. I don't think I ever thought that 5 years on sex would become this issue and non-activity in our lives.

It has changed me - the realisation has had an effect on the way that I see myself (how can I be attractive if my DH doesn't fancy me etc.)

The GP bit is about looking at it from a medical/hormornal point of view.

I wonder also about the idea that if things have always been that way does that mean that they have to stay this way. My feelings about the situation have changed over time - and I know that my feelings will change over time. I wouldn't want the situation to remain the same just because this is the way it has always been.

didyouseewhatshedid Wed 24-Aug-11 13:50:10

Dont see how the GP is going to help. Some blokes - low T men - have low sex drives and vice versa. It's probably just the way he is.

4madboys Wed 24-Aug-11 14:02:28

random thought but has he tried any herbal remedies etc, that may help boost his sex drive?

minipie Wed 24-Aug-11 14:11:53

But you've said he reciprocates if you initiate - so he is happy to have sex in those circumstances. He just doesn't want it quite enough to initiate it. I can see how that is a bit depressing (have something of the same situation myself), but it's not "a celibate existence".

Your DH not initiating does not mean he doesn't fancy you, it just means he doesn't turn his mind to sex until you suggest it. Once he does turn his mind to sex then he is keen, right? Perhaps the solution is partly him learning to initiate more, but also partly you learning to be more comfortable about being the one who initiates, i.e. not seeing it as a reflection on your attractiveness.

Re the GP - I guess they can test him for hormone imbalances, but hormones are tricky things - changing his hormones (even if that is possible) will have other effects on his personality too.

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 14:42:47

The celibate existence is where we're at right now - I have stopped initiating because I no longer want sex - being the only one who wants sex means that I no longer want sex. I am no longer turned on.

This is now my problem as well.

The GP thing is not the answer, I know this. I don't want him to have treatment that he probably doesn't need. I am hoping that it will make him acknowledge that there is a problem here and that hopefully, in the future he will consider that counselling might be of use for us.

Having done the counselling thing in the past, he has not got anything out if it before. He says all of the things he feels the counsellor and I want to hear during the session. I would imagine that the individual counselling sessions were much the same.

I got a great deal out of counselling and have no doubt that I would again if we ever get to a point where DH feels that he would too. It's the bit of him coming to his own conclusion that there may be a problem and that counselling would be useful in trying to find resolution to it.

I hope that handing the problem over to DH - i.e. he has to go to the GP on his own as a starting point might help in some way.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs Wed 24-Aug-11 15:02:22

I hesitate to raise this, but does he have feelings for men?

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 15:10:28

Fair call ripstheir - an age of web research later and I too have asked the question.

He says no. Definitely not. And I have nothing to make me think otherwise other than the reading I have done on men with ishoos like this.

I don't know. It could be. On the other hand it could be that he has a low testosterone (sp?) levels. I know that he was never really cuddled as a baby (to stop his older DB being jealous as there was 16 months between them - WTF??!!) and often wonder if this is related. But then I could start namng a million things that could be related.

If it transpired that he was but still wanted to live with us then I almost think this would be a good outcome as at least I can stop beating myself up about this and nothing really changes other than I have a new gay best mate!! - I jest of course (I think!!) - I just know that there isn't really a happy ending to this...

Ragwort Wed 24-Aug-11 15:18:32

Does he admit he has no sex drive?

I know that I just don't have (and never have had) a sex drive, I am sure I am not the only person in the world who is just not interested in sex. Does your DH feel the same way? It is very, very difficult when two people's sex drives are not 'in sync' and I am not really sure what the answer is. In hindsight I should not have got married ........ I guess I hoped my DH's sex drive would drop off <excuse the pun> as we got older but that hasn't happened.

I am not sure I would want to take 'medication' to improve my sex drive (if it is possible anyway?); although I do know that I want to remain married and for my DH to be happy but I genuinely don't feel that I am missing out so to have to see a doctor to sort something out that doesn't really bother me would be difficult. And I couldn't bear the embarrassment of the discussion.

We have also been to Relate and had counselling but that doesn't really address the physical lack of a sex drive.

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 15:25:29

Ragwort - yes, he says it hardly ever enters his head. That it does smetimes but then other things happen and he forgets (?!)

I talked with him about it a few days ago and described it in terms of the need to eat - for me, when I want sex the desire is not easily forgotten - like being hungry, I think about it and then once I have eaten the desire goes away - I need to fulfill the need.

He doesn't. Would prefer to watch TV/Read a book/do anything else.

He says that when I initiate it he is happy to partake but is not concerned if there is no initiation.

After some arguments he will try to intiate - but usually when he is guaranteed of it not happening e.g. the kids aren't asleep/I'm on my way out. It is the token gesture - and then things return to normal. Nothing.

pippilongsmurfing Wed 24-Aug-11 15:28:57

Has he had any blood tests done?

He could have low testosterone levels or another physical issue?

Ragwort Wed 24-Aug-11 15:29:29

Oh dear - he sounds like me blush - there is so much I would rather do than jump into bed with my DH (or anyone for that matter) - I have heard that analogy about eating before (I never get hungry either - perhaps there is a link grin).

We've had the same argument, my DH would love me to initiate sex and yes, I do make the token gesture occasionally but then work out how long I can 'avoid' sex for.

I don't think I'm the best person to help you on this thread, hope someone with more ideas will be along soon. smile.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Wed 24-Aug-11 15:29:52

Is the sex good when you do have sex? Does it feel like he's fully involved and enjoying it?

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 15:32:36

It's basic if I'm honest. Quick and basic. Because it is so infrequent it's quick or he finishes before I get going IYSWIM.

minipie Wed 24-Aug-11 15:35:57

I think some people just have low sex drives - just as some people have no sense of humour! It's just the way they are - not something a GP, or even counselling, can do much about. I am not sure what you think counselling is going to do?

I do think that your DH could change - I don't think he can increase his sex drive, but I think he could learn to initiate sex. He can learn to initiate it as a matter of habit IYSWIM, something that needs to be done to make you feel wanted, even if he doesn't feel the "urge" as it were.

The question is, would you be happy with that?

HooHa Wed 24-Aug-11 15:36:25

Ragwort - your input has been helpful and I thank you for it - It shows that you love your DH just that you don't fancy a quick one! That's almost reassuring because it shows that it's not because DH doesn't love me. He just never fancies a shag! He couldn't make sense of the food analogy either!!! wink

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