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To wonder what the acceptable age Cut off is for being permitted to admit you dont like your stepchild?

(37 Posts)
CanIbreathenow Wed 24-Aug-11 08:54:39

Now lets face it, you cant like everyone in your family. Some of us dont like out parents sisters, brothers. Some people even have strong dislike for them.

Now what I am wanting to know is on the issue of stepchildren. Its an emotive subject when the stepchild is a child. Step parents are "supposed" to automatically love them and like them or they are seen as horrible, evil, selfish and uncaring. Some of us try so hard to feel those feelings and to like our stepchildren.

But what is considered the acceptable age where you can admit you dont actually necessarily like your stepchild without being branded a bitch anymore? This may not mean you didnt love them or like them as a child by the way.....just that you may not like the person they have developed into . So what say you?

16? 17? 22? 30?

beckybrastraps Wed 24-Aug-11 09:00:22

Admit to whom?

CanIbreathenow Wed 24-Aug-11 09:01:36

Yourself I guess

cjbartlett Wed 24-Aug-11 09:02:34

It's the sort of thing you keep to yourself surely
Do t tell your other half, could cause marital problems
How would you feel if someone told you they don't like your child

CanIbreathenow Wed 24-Aug-11 09:02:45

and to close confidantes (obviously you wouldnt be so inensitive as to say it to their parent hmm)

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Wed 24-Aug-11 09:03:39

You can admit it to yourself whenever you like. I'm not sure it's ever acceptable to show it, though.

OTheHugeRaveningWolef Wed 24-Aug-11 09:05:29

Sometimes there is a personality clash. But mightn't it be as much about the age the stepchildren were when the step-parent joine the family, and also possibly how long they've all known each other?

I speak as someone who gaine two step-parents in my early 20s. Firming a relationship with a parent's DH or DW in that context is very different to if they'd cared for me as a child. FWIW I've found I like and am liked by one but not the other.

GalaxyWeaver Wed 24-Aug-11 09:05:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyKnot Wed 24-Aug-11 09:06:20

Agree with chickens.

CanIbreathenow Wed 24-Aug-11 09:07:02

I think yiu are probably right there too chickens

squeakytoy Wed 24-Aug-11 09:08:04

You can dislike them at any time you like, no matter what age they are, however as an adult, and as a step parent, or even a parent, you do your best to keep it to yourself.

And as with children that are your own, you can also dislike their behaviour while still caring about and even loving them.

CanIbreathenow Wed 24-Aug-11 09:11:39

This isnt my situation btw, its hypothetical (before anyone assumes). I should have said.

pigletmania Wed 24-Aug-11 09:11:41

I think that you are entitled not to particularly like a child, be it step child, friend child whoever. As an adult you must not overtly display your dislike and handle things in a muture and adult way

CanIbreathenow Wed 24-Aug-11 09:13:52

The "child" is an adult too. What is the child has equal dislike? Isnt the onus on them to be mature too ?

(getting convoluted now)

Whatmeworry Wed 24-Aug-11 09:15:31

Everybody knows anyway, it's just never said.

CanIbreathenow Wed 24-Aug-11 09:16:03

Ive often wondered this (maybe Im weird)

pigletmania Wed 24-Aug-11 09:23:03

I am talking about actual children. If it's adults than it's a different matter, there may be obvious clashes. My half sister was 22 when I was born and resented my mum (stepmom) and me being born, despite her being married and an adult. She was toxic and still is I dint talk to her now and nor do her actual brothers

Fleurdebleurgh Wed 24-Aug-11 09:26:56

My 'step mother' (never called her that) has shown me dislike since before she married my dad. Shes quite blatant with it. They married when i was 17.

When i complained to my dad he said "youre big enough and ugly enough to deal with it when you dont get along with someone"

I returned the venom. We both hate each other equally 10 years later.

nannyl Wed 24-Aug-11 09:28:18

Well my (ex) step dad told me to my face that he didnt like me if i was his daughter id be living on the streets of London, and was not welcome at his house on the 3rd time he ever met me. Also that he loved my mum more than i did, (he had met her for the 1st time < 6months before) and i was selfish for wanting her to come back and live in our family home.

i was 16 and he was 32

(he then banned my mum from seeing me and even when i was in a horrendous car crash and nearly died, as i was a pedestrian hit at 50mph, and the drs thought i would die, he and my mum still didnt visit for a week, (despite living so close they could see hospital out of their window) and when they did he didnt even say anything other than moan that he had lost his camera.)

Our relationship never improved (in 15 years) and got worse and worse and he ended up violently attacking me shock and i then "ruined his life" by going to the police hmm cause he now has it on his CRB check etc.

Thankfully my mother has now divorced the evil bastard, though he still likes to tell everyone we know how awful i was and how i ruined his life!!!!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Wed 24-Aug-11 09:28:41

That's awful, Fleur. How hurtful.

ComradeJing Wed 24-Aug-11 09:28:49

I didnt like my stepmother and she very, very obviously didnt like me. I was 16 but 19 when I cutcontact for a few years. We both like each other a lot more now I'm out of her house.

Looking back now I was a bit of a brat but she was the adult ffs and should have kept a lid on it.

If the "child" is an adult then it is quite acceptable to not like the child and to have little to do with the child but it's still important to not make life hard for your DP.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Wed 24-Aug-11 09:30:03

Did your relationship with your mother recover, nannyl? shock

ConstanceNoring Wed 24-Aug-11 09:32:32

I think it could be very easy to dislike any teenager at some point grin .

If they are well into their teens and have not emerged from that 'awkward time' as even beginning to become someone you feel you could get along with, then yes, I think the sooner you admit to it (to yourself) the better.

To carry it around guiltily feeling 'I mustn't dislike him/her because she is part of my DH/DP' would just breed resentment IMO and make the relationship more difficult. If you admit to yourself that you wouldn't choose to be his/her friend then you can better accept his presence.

pigletmania Wed 24-Aug-11 09:36:00

IMF nanny that is awful. Your mum should never have stayed with the evil bastard. I would have never forgiven her, it's obvious where her loyalties were

nannyl Wed 24-Aug-11 09:41:27

its getting their slowly.....

but never really began to recover until she actually left him 18 months ago.

To be fair to her (if you can use those terms cause yes, she treated me like cr@p) he was a nasty vile and abusive man, who stole her personality and made her feel so low she felt she couldnt leave him......
I can see that now, and since leaving him she has her original real personality back. smile

She is also fab again now, my father, her ex husband, is very sick and she does so much for him that she doesnt have to do, and im so greatful for that.

my ex step dad smothered her personality and was mentally / emotionally abusive to her..... eventually i took the cant care less attitude and made it crystal clear that he would never meet my children and if that meant she never saw her grandchildren then so be it. I was 100% serious (but never expected her to leave him, after all she some how decided it was "ok" that he violently attacked me (and i had NO support in going to the police because "he was going to kill himself" ; I told him to go and jump and see if i cared.)
He has always used he was going to kill himself with her and she believed him, but at least i proved it was all emotional blackmail.

it started to sink in and leaving him is the best thing she ever did, everyone can see that, so now i feel like its time to move forward.... her 1st grandchild (mine) is due is 2weeks ish time, and im pleased she will get to see her.

I know she will never ever ever have step dad back, and has not met him or anything since the day she stuffed her stuff in black bin liners, but if she did (which wont happen) i would not have anymore to do with her.
and she knows that too....

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