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Husband signed up on a speed date website

(29 Posts)
sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 01:21:02

He just done it this afternoon
I am not mad nor sad, just thinking how childish it is
He got an new iphone and have been playing with this for the last week so I guess he just runned out of apps and tried this one?
I know the reasons, I know I am cold and we both know I am not interested in sex at all for a long time and this makes him hurt and angry. We also both know that I didn't even wanted a marriage but done so for the sake of the child that came by surprise...but we are quite open and honest to each other so him dating online came as a big surprise.
Believe or not, he always ignored computers, internet, relatonship sites and he never had an email until few months ago when I created one for him as he was looking for a new job so he needed one email address. Up until the last week I was responsible for checking his emails as he was not inetrested at all even though I was pushing him to get online. He just learnt how to use his email because he needed this for his iphone. And today at lunch time I was talking on the phone to the agent responsible for the flat we were renting (husband was beside me) and we were discussing the payiment of our deposit, so the agent said she sent an email to husband and he told me he never received it, so I told him I would check properly tonight. So he knew I would check his emails tonight and went there and signed up for a dating site in the afternoon....does he want me to see it, or was just naive??
Should I confront or just pretending I dont know nothing??
Gues it is better than using porno as he liked it and had loads od dvds before it, but now dont do it anymore....is playing dating online a scapism??

AgentZigzag Wed 24-Aug-11 01:24:03

Is it possible he's done it accidently if he's not clued up on computer shit?

Have you asked him about it yet?

belledechocchipcookie Wed 24-Aug-11 01:26:04

Of course he knows what he's done. You need to talk to him.

Wabbit Wed 24-Aug-11 01:30:02

Just say 'I found that e-mail you said you didn't get... and this too <<showing phone>> Anything I need to know?'

Think Agent might be right and he's clicked an app by accident - <<thinking>> but then, would it automatically send an e-mail to your inbox? confused

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 01:32:09

I havent asked yet because he was already sleeping when I found out but I do think he done on purpose. Just not sure if for playing or seriously to look for someone else....not that I mind , except for the fact I will have to let DC stay with him at weekends if we separate. Better start looking for new accomodation

Birdsgottafly Wed 24-Aug-11 01:32:32

There are a few issues here;
Firstly you need to stop holding yourself wholly responsible for the reason your DH may be looking elsewhere. It is his responsibility to open up communication as much as it is yours and to look for a solution.

Secondly do you want to be in this marriage and change things? If so then you need to decide on how that can happen together possibly with outside help.

Lastly, he may have recieved this dating site as spam mail, or whatever the correct term is, i have and once you get one more follow. I have been opting out but they keep turning up in my 'junk folder', so speak to him and listen to what he has to say.

It speaks volumes that you think your DH is capable of being unfaithful, yet you are not devastated or muderous by this.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 24-Aug-11 01:33:45

So he knew I would check his emails tonight and went there and signed up for a dating site in the afternoon....does he want me to see it, or was just naive??

I'm hazarding a guess that he's done this to get your attention and focus it on the elephant in the room of your marriage.

Do you love your husband? Is there any specific reason why you are not interested in having sex with him? How would you feel if he uses the internet to meet other women and has sex with them, or falls in love with another women and leaves you?

Until such time as you've had a good think about what either of you are gaining from this marriage, and whether you want it to continue, I would suggest that you avoid mentioning what you saw when you checked his emails.

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 01:38:53

I dont think he is capable to be unfaithful so that is why I really do think at this stage that he is trying to play around or get excited about something. He has been on time off work for nearly a month now and we did not go anywhere nor did nothing interesting for my child's summer holidays a part from moving rented homes which has been really hard work and stresseful. I have been cheated in a very ugly way before on my first marriage and it was hell, so that is why I don't get surprised nor have a major reaction, I gues I am just num come this kind of issue.

Birdsgottafly Wed 24-Aug-11 01:41:21

Did you ever love him? it sounds very stale, has it always been like this?

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 01:45:05

I just lost all interest in sex after I gave birth and I feel sorry for husband. I do want the marriage to work but there are so many issues and he is so angry and frustrated that any conversation results in him being furious at me even though I keep calm and accept my faults. it seems like he cant just talk properly about feelings at the moment so I am avoding confrotation, I am not afraid of him, but I want a conersation not an argument so if he is not rady to talk nicely so I wont argue. And he refuses going to counselling, I have suggested it already.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 24-Aug-11 01:48:13

How old is your dc?

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 01:50:28

I can't say I Love or loed him, I was going out with him in a very difficult moment of my life, I was sad and lonely and he worked really hard to convince me to go out with him and we ended up in a relationship. I tried to end few times but always felt sorry for him and carried on and got pregnant after only 8 months. I decided to stay with him because he is a great guy and I think the 3 of us deserved a chance, I needed to give it a try, otherwise I wouls have to go to my country which is at leats 15 hours away flying and my child would have no father for most of the year or more. As I didnt have a f=great relationship with my father myself, I had to try for my daughter, couldnt just leave.

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 01:51:39

she is 4.5

Birdsgottafly Wed 24-Aug-11 01:55:38

Do you have support from family, a strong female relative at all?

Would you go to counselling on your own?

Do you want your sex drive back? You need to determine whether this is s physical or hormonal response to childbirth or a form of PND.

If you have no happy times together it isn't surprising that you don't want to have sex with your DH. Stop 'accepting' your faults, start to work through them. But your DH sounds as though he has quite a few faults of his own, but blaming each other is only going to get you to the 'stalemate' point you are now at.

Communication needs to start, with ground rules about listening and both having time to speak. You can agree to disagree on some points, you can both decide what you are willing to let go or say sorry for and move on.

The effort needs to come from both sides. But i would start to think about what you really want first and consider counselling.

Birdsgottafly Wed 24-Aug-11 01:57:32

Do you still feel sad and lonely?

Outside of your marriage, how is life?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 24-Aug-11 02:00:49

You say you lost interest in sex when your dd was born - did you suffer from any post-natal depression?

Apologies for these personal questions but when was the last time you had sex with your husband, do you masturbate on occasion when he is not around, and have you talked about your loss of interest in sex with your doctor?

If you split up from your dh, have you thought about how you will manage as a single parent? Do you work? Do you have friends or relatives who'll be able to give you emotional support if you need it?

Do you like your dh? Do you want to have a loving sexual relationship with him?

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 02:06:11

Now I have friends, better relationship with my sister and a work that makes me proud of and wishing to achieve even toghu does not bring much money yet. I do feel sad when I see husband sad because the relationship is not wondeful and he blams everrything on the lack of sex. There was a time I was having sex just to satisfy him but I guess I just go fed up with the pretending and hated what I was doing to myself. I dont want my sex drive back, I just dont think sex is important at all and I dont understand how people like it. I wasnt aware I could go counselling alone...might have a look into it. I would like the relationship to work out - whitout sex - though.

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 02:13:36

I dont think I suffered post natal depression
We had a quickie about 10 days a go just for him to relieve himself
If we split up it will be tough, he is on 23k maximum and I am self employed starting a business and we live in London paying a very high rent and public transport. We have nothing.
I dont masturbate and never spoke to my doctor about it, as not having sex drive doesnt bother me, I just think it is normal.
Is it not possible that some people just dont want to have sex?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 24-Aug-11 02:13:53

Do you consider yourself to be sexually experienced? Have you ever had a loving relationship where you derived sexual satisfaction from being intimate with a man?

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 02:16:06

oh yes, I had loads of man in the past, I have been married twice before and my first sexual encounter was just amazing
I just think I grew out of it

Birdsgottafly Wed 24-Aug-11 02:17:44

You may have a naturally low sex drive or there may be a reason, physical or emotional as to why your sex drive is blocked. You may be surprised by what is revealed if you do go for counselling.

But you need to work on your friendship as a couple and not just focus on the lack of sex.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 24-Aug-11 02:21:32

Some people do not have a high sex drive and they do not want or need to have sex very often. Some may not have a high sex drive because of a hormonal or chemical imbalance which can be remedied with medication.

A temporary loss of libido is not ucommon in women after childbirth, particularly if the woman is suffering from pmd.

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 02:22:26

ok, I am just realising now that my sex drive has been going low for a while since during my first marriage (2004). I might say that husband claims he was a virgin when he met me and I was his firts woman and apparently only one up to now. So we met in 2005 and he is 4 years younger. I am now 33. It seams odd a man would saty virgin for so long but I dont doubt he is an honest guy. He is not as experienced a I am but that is not the issue, I know the issue is that I lack drive for some reason. Do I need to talk to my GP to get counselling?

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 02:28:19

I have been married twice but the first one was just living together for 3 years whitout signing papers or get families involved, this guy is my best friend now. The second marriage was the 'first' real one when we signed papaers, I changed my name etc, and was cheated. This marriage I am into now is the second - or 'third' one iykwim. second on a paper, but third...

sassyminder Wed 24-Aug-11 02:30:57

Thanks for the chat and advice. I will sleep on it and see how to get counselling. Good night.

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