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about ex-H and childcare?

(15 Posts)
Sidalee7 Tue 23-Aug-11 17:53:05

Name changed as am paranoid user name will identify me in RL!

H walked out about 6 months ago - total shock. Since then we have tried to keep lots of contact with him & our two young DC's. I feel very angry at him and am not in a great place so may be being unreasonable. ;)

I am training for a triathlon - only have the opportunity to train 3 times a week when dc's are with him. Today he casually mentioned he couldnt make the next scheduled date (2 days time) as he is on a night out. I said he should be responsible for finding covering childcare while I was training (about an hour). AIBU? He is making out like I really am.

Sofabitch Tue 23-Aug-11 17:55:42

Yabu Sometimes a bit of give and take can be a good thing. You never know when you might need him to have them. However if he starts doing It regually then yanbu. Instead of him not having them can he swap the day to the next day? How will your dc's feel about being let down?

GypsyMoth Tue 23-Aug-11 17:56:56

My couch25k doesn't happen when I don't have a babysitter either! So understand......Does he have them the whole day and night on that occasion?

Sidalee7 Tue 23-Aug-11 18:00:15

He didnt suggest an alternative day.
He would have them for about an hour and a half - until about 8pm.

Sara - whats a couch 25k? Am intruiged!

Fontsnob Tue 23-Aug-11 18:02:22

We are religious about the weekends that we have with DSD's. That way if either us or their Mum needs to change for any reason then we all do what we can to make it happen (as we know that generally we are all reliable and none of us mess the girls around). It works well as they also have weekends with dsd'd mums dsd. Holidays get negotiated towards the date, unless one of the families are going away. For us it is very important that the girls all know where they are and have as much stability as possible.

It took us all a little while to get there smile

worraliberty Tue 23-Aug-11 18:02:25

Really if you take away the fact you want to train on that day....

What he's simply saying is, he can't have his contact with the kids that day because he's going out.

I think that's fair enough. Having them 3 times a week will sometimes mean he won't be able to make one of those times...as long as he gives you notice.

It's a shame that you'll have to find a babysitter, but really when you have kids that's one of those things.

As long as he doesn't continually chop and change, I don't see the problem this time other than it's inconvenienced you.

GypsyMoth Tue 23-Aug-11 18:03:24

A running programme! For beginners, but this exercise business is bloody addictive!

Fontsnob Tue 23-Aug-11 18:03:36

My point there being that I think you should get something formal set up between you so that there is no question about who has the DC on certain days.

squeakytoy Tue 23-Aug-11 18:06:00

There are bound to be times from now on, when both of you want to do things on the same date.. so on those occasions a babysitter is going to be necessary. If it fall on the day when he should have the kids, then he pays.. if it falls on "your" time, then you pay.

Sidalee7 Tue 23-Aug-11 18:07:26

Ooh Sara, looks good! yes, exercise keeps me just this side of sane
- I think my point is as he cant make it he should be responsible for finding a babysitter.

Ryma Tue 23-Aug-11 18:08:53

any chance to take kids with you, while you training?

diddl Tue 23-Aug-11 18:25:04

Shouldn´t he be finding childcare to go out for a couple of hours rather than just not seeing his child?

RitaMorgan Tue 23-Aug-11 18:32:04

If it's his day, then he should be finding childcare.

The contact he has with the children isn't to babysit or do you a favour - they are 50% his responsibility.

Crazybit Tue 23-Aug-11 18:43:34

He should find childcare. He is not doing you a favour it is meant to be in his and dcs interest to see each other. If he can't arrange childcare then he should go out later. However, if you ever need him to do 'extra' it may be in your interest to be accomodating this time.

MajorB Tue 23-Aug-11 18:52:29

YADNBU, I really hate these blokes who walk out on their families, and at first say "it won't affect my relationship with the kids, I'll see them regularly", then at the first whiff of a night out/golf weekend away/party with the boys etc. they dump their kids, and expect their ex to pick up the slack.

Long term I believe that a bit of flexibility is good, but this is still early days, HE is the one who walked out and turned the family's life upside down, so he should be moving heaven and earth to reassure his children that he is still a part of their lives and will keep his promises to them, and be there when he says he will be. Not give up his precious time with them for the want of a pint.

Two days notice is not enough, you should firm up an agreement that says a week's notice is needed at the least for a change to agreed contact with the kids, and if it is his turn to have them and he pulls out (not swopping them for another day in agreement with you) then he should definitely sort out alternative childcare, and explain to his children why he won't be seeing them.

Don't let him get away with it as if you do you'll set a precedent, and in the future he'll drop the kids on you when you have holiday plans/paid for theatre tickets/night out with rarely seen friend etc.

Sorry for the rant, but this behaviour really gets my goat!

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