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to refuse to lend family member any more money

(20 Posts)
Bumblequeen Tue 23-Aug-11 13:41:34

A family member, lets call them A, has been going through a bad patch financially. A is married and has no children. Each month A has borrowed up to £60 which is paid back weeks later. Now, dh and I are also trying to make ends meet with a mortgage, nursery fees and debt.

We have had several family occasions recently, not only has A arrived with a new hair cut and colour costing £100 (go to same hairdressers) but the presents A bought were at least £50 each. We could not even afford to spend half of that on a gift. I feel like such a muppet. Do not even think A wondered how her expensive purchases would look when she has been screaming 'poverty' for months.

I know when you lend someone money you should not dictate how they spend it but I found this distasteful.

oldenoughtowearpurple Tue 23-Aug-11 13:43:28

Live and learn.

LydiaWickham Tue 23-Aug-11 13:46:41

YANBU - just say no you can't afford to lend them any money. You know their version of 'poverty' and yours are obviously very different so you don't need to feel guilty. And as they have no DCs, if they are really skint through bad budgetting (which is what it sounds like if they are able to pay you back a few weeks later) the only people who'll suffer are them.

DialMforMummy Tue 23-Aug-11 13:47:08

OP you sound very resentful of this family member, it seems to me that the money lending might not be the only issue here.
Ultimately, it's your money and you should do whatever you want with it.

LydiaWickham Tue 23-Aug-11 13:47:28

Oh, and I do think if you lend someone money you do get a say in how it's spent.

An0therName Tue 23-Aug-11 13:52:00

we have lent money to a family member - but I knew they were short of money- but when they didn't pay it back we have never done since.
I expect A had got a new credit care or something and is running up more debt - it will come back and get her in the end I am sure
BTW have you come across moneysaving expert - v good if money is tight

momobiker Tue 23-Aug-11 13:52:57

You mention that A has paid you back each time they have lent money?

YABU to lend it in the first place if you want a say in how they spend it!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 23-Aug-11 13:57:07

Have you been repaid in full to date? If so, I can't see that you should have any complaint about how A spends their money - nor would I see any problem with the way in which any money I loaned was spent unless the loan was conditonal.

Needless to say, any future request that A may make for a loan should be met with a firm 'no' - and please note that you are under no obligation to give reason(s) for any such refusal.

EldritchCleavage Tue 23-Aug-11 13:59:28

Never lend casually, even (especially) to a family member. If you lend, you should agree a repayment date. If the lendee misses payments or mucks you around, stop lending. If lending the money causes you cashflow problems, stop doing it. It is a privilege not a right for someone to lend you money.

And I know that in a sense it is not your business where the money goes, it is very irritating to be given a sob story, lend on the basis of it (possibly to your own detriment) and then find the lendee acting in a completely stupid or inconsistent way, then coming back for more of your mooney (can you tell I've been there, done that?)

In the circumstances, lending A money may be feeding her problem rather than helping her cope. She sounds a bit chaotic, in which case helping her run up debt is enabling rather than assisting her.

EldritchCleavage Tue 23-Aug-11 14:00:09

Please excuse typos!

greengirl87 Tue 23-Aug-11 14:02:21

At the end of the day they are not your responsibility, you have your own house/nursery/car to fund. If you are strapped for cash you do not go to the hairdresser and have a cut and colour! I think you've been made to look a fool.

DontGoCurly Tue 23-Aug-11 14:06:40

Definitely don't lend again.

Sometimes people like this get it into their heads that you don't mind or that you're rolling in it.

Next time just say a simple 'No, sorry'

AbbyAbsinthe Tue 23-Aug-11 14:08:23

Wait, wait. Whilst in principle, I agree with what you've said, you have no idea where this 'extra' money has come from. She may have had a voucher for the hairdressers, someone she knows may have done it for her, the gifts may have been rewrapped and regifted... I'm not saying that this is the case, of course, but there are all sorts of circumstances that could be a possibility.

If you can't afford to lend the money, then don't. There's nothing worse than someone intimating that you've wasted 'their' money - it's not yours, you lent it to A, and really, it's up to her to do as she likes with, as long as she pays it back. Just don't lend it again if it bothers you so much.

Pagwatch Tue 23-Aug-11 14:17:36

Don't lend money if things are tight.
In fact don't lend money full stop.
People are odd and it ruins relationships.

If you are lending money regularly then you are not helping this relative get to grips with their financial reality.

Just say no next time.

And if relative a has been representing to you that she is desperate and yet really is pissing money away then you are entitled to be fucked off. I don't know why people think it is none of your business if she has been misrepresenting her situation to you.
If she said 'can I borrow money to get my haircut' that is one thing.
If she said 'can I borrow money because things are so difficult this month' and then went and had her haircut for £100 then you are perfectly entitled to be annoyed.

But stop lending. You can't do it with an open heart now

MadamDeathstare Tue 23-Aug-11 14:21:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumblequeen Tue 23-Aug-11 14:56:54

Thanks for your advice. I will say no in future as I realise she cannot be completely strapped for cash and I am in fact 'bumping' up her salary. I know I receive the money back but I am left incovenienced while waiting for it. I probably am resentful that whilst being rigid with my own spending I am subbing someone else.

pippilongsmurfing Tue 23-Aug-11 15:02:52

If she's paying you back then you are not out of pocket are you?

If you cannot afford to be without the money until she repays it then it's simple - don't lend it!!

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Tue 23-Aug-11 15:07:03

She's paying you back, you don't have to say yes, if you don't want to then don't lend it.

Portofino Tue 23-Aug-11 15:25:12

What Pag said. I would be enfuriated if someone did this.

Blu Tue 23-Aug-11 15:28:50

You're trying to make ends meet so it makes no sense to lend any money who someone who has less resonsibilities and a more lavish lifestyle than you do!
So just say you can't afford to lend atm. Because you can't.

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