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is this my business anymore?

(17 Posts)
jekyllnothyde Tue 23-Aug-11 12:26:43

Ok mediation broke down as ex said he couldn't afford it, even though he is assessed as being able to pay because of owning property without mortgage.
He isn't working but has various things including expensive new computer and other bits and pieces bought with money given to him by his family.
So AIBU to expect him to ebay/pawn some of his stuff or get some money out of his house to do mediation re contact with his DS.
To me it feels as if his stuff is worth more than working out contact arrangements to see DS

TobyLeWolef Tue 23-Aug-11 12:28:02

Is there no way you can just work something out between you?

alphabettyspagghetti Tue 23-Aug-11 12:29:53

No it's not your business and you are only saying what anyone else would say. I agree and would have thought that most people would agree with you too.

However, it's his stuff, his decision. If he doesnt want to sell it to pay for mediation that's his problem. He's the one missing out on his son. Not you.

GypsyMoth Tue 23-Aug-11 12:32:18

Do you pay half of the mediation?

ObiWan Tue 23-Aug-11 12:34:46

If he doesn't want to pay, trying to force him into it won't make him more reasonable once mediation starts.
Can you pay for it? Or just ask outright when / if he wants access and work from there?

To be honest, paying for mediation does seem like a waste of money. How long has it lasted already if it has had time to break down once before?

Rowena8482 Tue 23-Aug-11 12:36:07

Are you sure you don't just want him to "suffer" and have to pay for mediation because you can make him? Why can't you just talk to him about arrangements for DS? Why do you HAVE to have mediation? you both need to consider DS in this and not just score points off each other :-S

Gonzo33 Tue 23-Aug-11 12:37:08

Was mediation working? If it was is there anyway you could talk amicably without having to involve a mediator now?

I think yabu expecting him to sell items he has been given the money to buy for mediation. The items and sorting DS contact are two separate things.

If the boot was on the other foot would you sell your items to continue mediation?

GypsyMoth Tue 23-Aug-11 12:37:15

Is this mediation prior to court? It's necessary now that mediation is attempted before court

TobyLeWolef Tue 23-Aug-11 12:40:23

We went to mediation once. My ex-husband (who was never the sharpest tool in the box) refused to go again because he claimed they were biased towards me. I don't think he understood the word 'impartial'.

He is a spiteful, abusive, bitter, uncommunicative arse, and even we managed to still sort out contact for the children between us, without ever having been to court.

Pandemoniaa Tue 23-Aug-11 12:48:52

If someone is so keen to avoid mediation then I'd question the value of forcing them into it. Also, it is notoriously dangerous to make assumptions about what people can afford because it's not really a question of affordability is it? I realise that the OP's ex is currently using cost as an excuse but actually, that's probably the easiest way out. Instead, I'd be asking why he felt mediation was so worthless than he wasn't prepared to try and pay for it.

jekyllnothyde Tue 23-Aug-11 13:14:13

He suggested mediation initially. Yes, I think the cost is an excuse, very convenient one. Nothing sorted re contact, how, when, handovers etc. To me feels like he is putting his hurt feelings before DS (even tho he was one who left). No communication between us at moment at all. He has let DS down before, so can think of no way forward. We need some way of discussing DS's needs and I can't think of any other solution.

TobyLeWolef Tue 23-Aug-11 13:23:27

So put arrangements to him as a done deal.

See your solicitor and get him/her to draw up a letter saying that he is to pick them up at [time] on [day] and return them at [time] on [day] every other weekend (or whatever).

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 23-Aug-11 13:34:54

You don't need a solicitor to adopt Toby's suggestion.

Write out what you consider to be a reasonable weekly/monthly schedule for contact including pick up/return times, with provision for Christmas, holidays etc and send it to your ex for his comments.

TobyLeWolef Tue 23-Aug-11 13:47:58

Well yes, you're right, izzy.

I was just projecting thinking of things from my own experience. My ex is an arse, and despite doing everything he can to make things difficult for me, will still ask 'how high?' if a solicitor tells him to jump.

jekyllnothyde Tue 23-Aug-11 16:42:11

Thanks for advice. Mediation is also to bring up a a coupe of questions that have bearing what happened before when informal contact happened, and went very wrong

TobyLeWolef Tue 23-Aug-11 16:45:52

Well, you can't make him go, and if informal contact hasn't worked in the past then you need to formalise it.

See my comment about seeing your solicitor.

Birdsgottafly Tue 23-Aug-11 16:46:45

Do you have safeguarding concerns?

Does he want contact in a way that you don't?

You are getting caught up in mediation without focusing on the goals of mediation.

Communication is a two way street, write to him, if he is an arse, mediation won't solve it.

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