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To feel I'm being dangled a carrot - and friend should eat it herself?

(7 Posts)
youarekidding Tue 23-Aug-11 10:07:49

OK, sorry if this is long. This about my closest friend and not an argument, we are honest and have discussed this but I feel she deserves more than she is giving herself and she should keep the original arrangement.

I am LP with a DS, she is married with 2 DD's and had DSD who's a teen. We spent 5 days away with all DC's at the beginning of the holiday as her DH can't get holiday. He had 2 days off whilst we were away as he works over a week not Mon-Fri.
The next week they had 2 family days out on her DH days off.

On the phone one evening she said she wanted a day out just me and her to have fun, suggested a theme park, and said she hasn't had any time for just her. I said I wasn't sure I could afford theme park but definately fancy an adult only day. Her parents were away til this weekend and my DS is away with my mum for 2 days (bout 2 hours) away and I will go and get him tomorrow. Mum comes back next Monday.

I suggested the Wednesday for meeting as Mum will have DS for me and her mum will have her dd's. I also have BOGOF tickets for park and she offered to pay and me have the free one but feeling this was unfair have managed to save the money to split the cost (£30 inc petrol).

Her DSD had asked to come down again for a few days at the end of the holiday. She said her mum would have DSD as well so it wouldn't affect us.

Since then she has repeatedly hinted we may not go because:

1) her DH may have that day off work so she will want to spend it with him. (fair enough). But he fishes on one day off and therefore if she spends this day with him will get left at home with dd's whilst he has his time the next day.

2) DSD will now be coming down M-F that week. She will not leave all the DD's with her DH for the day as it's not fair on him. hmm Also will not leave them for her to go out and DH to fish as not fair on the DD's to spend a day at home whilst she goes out. 'they won't get a trip out that day' (I quote) and apparently the park doesn't count.

I totally understand her family comes first - mine does too (which is only DS!), but feel she is sacrificing her time or willing to despite her really wanting to go.

I asked her outright last night if she still wanted to go (yes really wants to she says), reminded her it was her need to do something for her, not have to clock watch, referee, cook etc which made her suggest theme park. I also told her no-one would think badly of her for leaving her DD's with DH for the day, afterall they are his children too, and that she's entitled to some time to do what she wants. I also said she needs to tell me as I have arranged childcare and either need to cancel it and do something with DS for the day (afterall I have £30!) or maybe keep childcare and arrange something for myself - I'm thinking massage grin

She simply replied 'you don't understand. it's easy for you -you aren't married' confused.

AIBU to think she has got this wrong? She deserves some time to have fun - she really is the most hardworking/ selfless wife and mum I know.

WWYD? I don't want her to go out of some sort of obligation as she won't enjoy it as much but want to help her realise enjoying herself without her DH and DD's for the day is not a crime.

TIA if you got this far.

springydaffs Tue 23-Aug-11 10:21:52

you are being far too kind about your friend OP. ime - my LP experience - a lot of married women are devoted to their marriages in a way that is, imo, very unhealthy. They worship their husbands, their husbands come first. She says it's 'easy' for you because you're not married (HA! <rollseyes>). Dear God, she can stop treating her husband like he's the king and get on with her own life. He does.

this would seriously put me off if my friend was like this. It would be a deal breaker I'm afraid.

InfinityButNotBeyond Tue 23-Aug-11 10:24:47

Two possibilities I think ...
1. She's a woman who can't bear to leave her DC with anyone else because of martyrdom/guilt she is letting her down
2. her DH is telling her she is a bad mother to put herself ahead of him/DC.

Does she go out on her own much? I have somehow assumed that she must be a SAHM and used to basing her life round husband/children.

Gonzo33 Tue 23-Aug-11 10:27:10

I would arrange another time. Like you said "she really is the most hardworking/ selfless wife and mum I know."

It's not really that difficult to re-arrange is it? Or is the bogoff only for that day of that week?

She really needs to break away a bit and get her life back. She is a separate human being not an extension of her DH and kids. (easier said than done I know - I have booked myself an evening class starting in Sept to get out of the home/work routine).

p.s. she sounds a bit like someone I know who talked about her DH babysitting the kids. I pointed out that looking after your own kids is called parenting not babysitting.

youarekidding Tue 23-Aug-11 10:30:48

She loves him. She does say she doesn't know how I do it as she could never cope alone.

That's the thing. She waits around waiting for him to tell her his days off - he does the rotas so could easily arrange it for her to go. I have no idea if she has even mentioned to him her plans to go.

Your right about the devoted bit. She does everything for him - even gets his repeat prescriptions, sorts out his mooring fees. I think what get's me is she also works FT (school) so although she's 'off' atm she's not getting a break. I also work FT in school.

My Ex used to pull the 'I work' line (which I don't think her DH does) and in that respect I do think have it easy now - easier than I did with that twunt. wink

youarekidding Tue 23-Aug-11 10:35:30

We could do it on the Thurs or Fri except the Friday she has to take her DSD home again (1 1/2 each way). I did suggest we could take her DSD for the day with us - she's a lovely girl- and drop her home after. (she lives 20 mins from theme park) or drop her off in the morning before we go.

No to taking her as unfair on her DD's and no to dropping her off before as her DD's will want to go in the car as again unfair she spends 1 1/2 with her DSD without the girls.

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