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to think I have given birth to a little dictator?

(37 Posts)
wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 11:00:15

My 8 year old DS wants to take over from Mr Ghaddafi I think. And I've bloody well had enough. I can't take anymore of his behaviour, demands, tantrums, bullying of siblings, complaining that his life is rubbish and that I'm the meanest Mummy he's ever had(?)

I've just told him he's not going to his friend's house tomorrow. There's going to be an almighty scene when he remembers in the morning. Especially as younger sis will still be going, to play with DS' friend's sister. But he's not going. The rudeness and disobedience I've had today have exceeded even his impressive levels.

Are some kids just like this? Please tell me I'm not alone. I believe that I'm firm, fair, and consistent, I have not shouted (much) or smacked, and I follow through with consequences. So why does he still fight me all the way on every little thing?

aarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!

IndigoBell Mon 22-Aug-11 11:02:08

How is he at school?

Lots of kids have control issues - theirs a huge variety of SN that can cause this.

EssentialFattyAcid Mon 22-Aug-11 11:04:40

I recommend reading Playful Parenting for a different perspective on this kind of behaviour

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 11:08:10

He is fine behaviourally at school. He finds some aspects of schoolwork tricky - he can complete most homework etc but has major negative attitude and that is one of the fights we have. He often just refuses to do his homework or reading book. I really pick my battles but that is one thing he must do. I give him choices about when to do it but I'm not always available to help him at the time he wants, so he needs to take my viewpoint into account too. I have other dcs who are left to get on with everything and who do what I ask, and he is getting a lot of attention.

What SN in particular Indigo?

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 11:09:55

I have Playful Parenting, it is good actually, I must read it again. I don't always have the energy though.

Do you think it's fair enough to cancel his playdate or will that make no difference in the end? I feel I have to give him strong boundaries but he seems to hate me for it.

porcamiseria Mon 22-Aug-11 11:12:22

err indigo, sounds like a normal naughty little boy not SN. MN is OBSESSED with SN right now.

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 11:20:26

Well my (cynical) DH says DS would be diagnosed with LSD - Little Shit Disorder.

mamas12 Mon 22-Aug-11 11:47:05

You are doing exactly the right thing by not letting him go tomorrow.
He will remember this and when he plays up the next time you will only need to remind him that whatever punishment you need to give him you will do it.
Good luck, he will be horrified (I know I did this once) he will have one almighty tantrum, but just carry on with your normal routine, including getting him to his normal things, ie tidy up wash his plate whatever.
This is normal

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 12:26:30

I think you are right, he's now being lovely and making a game for his sister, like a different child. I told him how nice that was to see and he asked can I go tomorrow then? I said, no, sorry, you're not going tomorrow as you were very rude to me earlier. He didn't say anything! Wait for tomorrow though....

WilsonFrickett Mon 22-Aug-11 12:32:31

YOu are going to have a really, really shit day tomorrow and he will be a total nightmare because you are setting boundaries and showing him that his behaviour has consequences. Good for you. Come and post if it gets too much, but stand firm. Then the next time he misbehaves remind him that you will set a consequence and carry it through 'like I did the time you were meant to go to x's to play'.

porcamiseria 'MN is OBSESSED with SN?' Really??

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 12:42:44

Thanks Wilson, will let you know how it goes. It's not going to be pretty, and I will feel really mean. But I know it has to happen, I've already let the friend's Mum know. Her DS will be disappointed, and I apologised for that. I think she might try to persuade me to let him go - she is much more permissive than me and her DS, although lovely and way more easy-going than my little volcano, does control her quite a bit IMO.

ShoutyHamster Mon 22-Aug-11 12:54:34

Stay firm. You'll get there, and taking a hard (but fair!) line now will pay you dividends later. As long as he is getting lots of love and a fair hearing when up before the judge (aka YOU) he will be fine.

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 13:14:37

I think I was fair. He refused to come and do his reading after school (after a snack and some chill-out time and being told we're going to read soon). He often does that. He shouted at me. I threatened to tell his teacher he had not done his reading, he came but threw his backpack and the lid came off his water bottle. I calmly said he needed to clean up the water on the floor, he shouted some more and refused, saying he hadn't "done anything". He was rude to me and I reminded him that he had a playdate tomorrow which I could cancel if he was going to talk to me like that. We've been trying to get him to understand that just because you didn't mean for something to happen, doesn't mean that you can't accept you caused it and you should still apologise. He refused to clean up and shouted at me "Why can't you do it? Are you lazy or something??" Then I cancelled the playdate.

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 13:43:02

Yep, thought so, text from DS' friend's Mum - "Can he get a reprieve?"

hopenglory Mon 22-Aug-11 13:45:58

reply "no, he can't"

I have one like this.

Smellslikecatpee Mon 22-Aug-11 13:46:01

the 'Why can't you do it? Are you lazy or something??' would have him grounded till he was 35 in my POV.

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 13:47:52

Hopenglory any tips for me? What works with yours?

Smellslikecatspee do you think I went too easy on him then?

fargate Mon 22-Aug-11 13:48:58

Text back ? ''Not this time. Sorry''

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 13:50:39

Have sent replying saying sorry but I've told him he's not allowed to come over tomorrow so I have to stick to that so he knows I mean what I say. Do feel mean now though.

MrsRobertDuvall Mon 22-Aug-11 13:54:19

Stick to your guns.
He sounds like he needs a bit of a shock. You really have to follow through with threats.
Good luck...it will be he'll but it is his fault, not yours. Rudeness is not acceptable.

fargate Mon 22-Aug-11 13:57:17

Firm but reasonable - no need to feel mean to your DC - or your friend.

Pudding2be Mon 22-Aug-11 13:59:31

Stick to your guns. When my mum used to give into my older brother she made a rod for her own (and mine but that's another story) back.

When he's 18 and throwing his weight (and possibly fists) you'll regret it. My mums sisters dispared at my mums leniency when he was younger. Especially as my aunty had three boys so she was speaking from experience and could see what would happen

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 14:23:12

Indeed I'm hoping this is a shock he will remember. He can't speak to me like that. He seems to lose control of himself when he gets angry - I do think he knows the right way to behave deep down and he can be so lovely, it's one extreme or another.

CustardCake Mon 22-Aug-11 14:48:11

Tomorrow will be hell - begging and pleading followed by stonking a huge tantrum and wailing BUT now you've said it you cannot go back on it and once he realises that you really mean what you say, next time you tell him to do something and what the consequences are, he will know you're not bluffing.

Half the time following through on what you say is 100% more exhausting and traumatic than letting them wiggle out of it and acepting a half-hearted apology in return for cancelling the punishment. But in the long-term, if he believes you mean what you say and that extreme bad behaviour won't be rewarded (ie if his huge tantrum doesn't make you change your mind), then he will behave better and do what's asked of him.

wimpofawoman Mon 22-Aug-11 15:16:37

I really hope so. He is usually quite reasonable once he is calm but then the next time he doesn't want to do something, the mist descends again.

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