Fallen out with my mum, not sure why, or who is in the wrong...

[Pinkjenny]

For the purposes of background information, I have a very hysterical family. The kind of family that rings your mobile fifty times if you don't pick up first time. I am the worst of the bunch in this respect, by a mile.

Dh and his friends arranged to play golf last Saturday, and decided to make a night of it, staying over and going out. It had been arranged since May. He invited my Dad to play golf, but I think felt a bit awkward because he didn't really want him to go on the night out. Although I am sure my Dad wouldn't have wanted to go on the night out, it meant that dh felt awkward talking to him about it, because obviously my Dad would have to make his own way there and back.

By Thursday he still hadn't contacted my Dad to firm up the arrangements, and we were just in the kitchen discussing it, when my Mum rang and asked what was going on, as my Dad hadn't heard. I clarified with my Mum that Dad wouldn't want to go on the night out, would he (?) and she said no, and I told him that dh would ring him on Friday. On Friday, we had dh's friend to stay, and we both completely forgot that dh was supposed to ring my Dad. I was really pissed off with dh for not ringing him, and dh knew that.

Anyway, I rang my Dad at 8am, and told him the arrangements, he sounded perfectly happy, they were to meet at 10am. My dad had been told months ago what course they were playing etc, but I gave him the address, my Dad does not have a satnav, but he drives about every day for work.

Dh then rang me at 10.05am, saying your Dad hasn't turned up, can I get his mobile number. Dh rang him, but it was going to voicemail. At 10.10am, I rang my Mum, who was at home, and she said he hadn't taken his mobile. At first, she was all, 'God, how stupid, I can't believe he hasn't taken it.' At 10.20am, I rang her back, and she asked if he had arrived, and i said no, and gave a really nervous laugh. She said, 'Well, it's not bloody funny, Jenny, he could have been in accident, and why didn't your bloody dh ring him to arrange this last week?' I replied that I had spoken to my Dad this morning, but that I wasn't really sure that was the issue, why hadn't he just taken his phone?' She replied that it wasn't my Dad's fault (I never said it was), and that I should ring her if I heard anything. I wasn't actually that worried at this point, I just tought maybe he had decided to play a round by himself. But as it got to 12pm, then 1pm, I was absolutely frantic. I didn't ring my Mum, a) because she had started shouting at me, and b) because I had nothing to tell her, dh was still confirming that the hadn't seen him.

At 2.20pm, four hours after he was supposed to meet dh, and I was at home with the dc, imagining all kinds, I get a text from my Mum - she was supposed to be babysitting on Saturday night and I was going for a meal, which I had long cancelled, as I was completely freaking about my Dad - the texts went like this:

Mum: Let me know what time I need to be there tonight
Me: I'm not going, until we find my Dad I'm not committing to anything!
Mum: As I'm sure you know, Dad has been home for four hours
Me: How the hell would I know that?
Mum: All you had to do was ring the house, obviously not that bothered, are you?

I was absolutely furious, and so relieved i burst into tears. I haven't heard from her since, and we normally speak 4/5 times a day, so she obviously isn't speaking to me.

She has form for falling out with me in times of stress, she did it after ds was born, as she met us at the hospital when I was in full blown labour to pick up dd, and because I told her to shut up (I delivered 20 minutes later), she didn't speak to me for a week. I am an only child, and I feel it very acutely when she does this, she forgets that she still has her sister and my Nan.

So, AIBU?

[CailinDana]

Would it be worth sitting down with your mum and explaining that you know you hurt her feelings (unintentionally) at times and you're sorry about that but that sulking and not talking is really putting a strain on you and you'd rather she just said what was bothering her. My mother is the world's champion sulker and grudge holder, but I just ignore it. If she stops talking to me I just shower her with calls and act like nothing's happened. In that situation carrying on sulking just looks ridiculous. You know the situation is childish and you have the power to change it by not engaging with it. So do that.

[CailinDana]

Oh and as for not talking to you after your son was born for being slightly rude when you were in full blown labour, well, that's just plain mean and spiteful in my view.

[Pagwatch]

It is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other tbh.

Your mum was put out that you and your dh were bit so rude about firming up the details with your dad. Not speaking to him in case he wants to go along in the evening is childish and rude.
But then she was angry with your dad for forgetting his mobile and fear about what may have happened to him made her more so.
And now because you had a fright too, you are over reacting as well.

None of you have handled this well tbh. And yet your dad, who was the obe most put out by this, is pretty much gringo ignored by you and your mum as you fight over who was the most upset

The thing is escalating and both have you have cause to be irritated but no more than that.

Can you not phone up and say
' this was a balls up wasn't it and fwiw I am really sorry that we didn't get all the details to dad sooner. We made him feel a bit of an afterthought, a bit unwanted, and we didn't mean that.
I was really scared he was hurt. I am so relieved he is fine. Can we move on. Neither of us meant to upset the other'

[Pinkjenny]

I agree with all of that Reality. I am on the waiting list for CBT for my anxiety problems. I can only assume that my Dad couldn't find the course. Dh wasn't worried, they were supposed to tee off at 10am, so he was just going to give him a call and see how long he would be. Dh is not a worrier at all.

Neither dh or my Dad are of the nature whereby they would ring up for a chat, which is why my Mum asked me.

[Pinkjenny]

Mmm, Pag. I suppose I do accept that, a bit. But I am not sure how this has turned into my fault? What has dh and my Dad playing golf got to do with me?

[Pagwatch]

Reality is right.

Not being the type to phone up for a chat is one thing. Getting your wives to make arrangements is odd and a bit childish.

[cjbartlett]

Couldn't your dad find the golf course so just turned round and went home? Why didn't he text your dh?

Don't get why you normally speak to your mum 4/5 times a day
Perhaps it's time to take a step back

[Pinkjenny]

I think I feel hurt by it because it reminds me of what happened after ds was born, which we have never spoken about. I like to think that if there was a real emergency (!), she would be there for me, but well, she isn't.

And I can't talk to her about it, and that makes me sad crying

[Pagwatch]

No. I am not blaming you Pink.

I am just saying you are all over reacting. And your dh not giving your dad details to an event in case he might expect to stay for the evening bit is childish isn't it?

You shouldn't have got involved in the first place is more my point.
My dh rarely spoke on the phone to my dad. But if they were meeting of course he would. And if he asked me to call my dad I would have refused on the grounds that it was silly.

[HeIsSpartacus]

Have you spoken to your dad at all?

This isn't helpful but this is just the kind of thing my mum would do/has done - but I do have an older brother and sister to share this with so it must be so much harder being an only.

The birth incident is far more telling - sounds to me like she hates the attention/focus being off her (most people would forgive a woman literally about to give birth being a bit rude to them) and therefore has to punish you. Have a break - still contact your dad but just be breezy about your mum to your dad - oh well I'm sure we'll talk once she apologises.

[saadia]

Your mum should have let you know that your dad was safe.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Why on earth did your husband invite your dad when he did not really want him there? Why invite him and then not firm up the agreement in case your dad would want to come for an evening out?
Ungracious behaviour. Not phoning your dad to clarify with him because he is worried about him coming along for the evening IS childish and rude. What were you guys thinking? Your poor dad. And to top it all off, you and your mum are bickering over the totally wrong thing.

Serves you right that he did not show. If I were your dad I would have done exactly the same.

[Pinkjenny]

saadia - I agree. She (of all people) knows what a worrier I am, and so to accuse me of not being bothered is just fucking ludicrous.

I know Pag, I wish I hadn't.

[Pinkjenny]

Not that this really matters, but when I called my Dad on Saturday morning, I said that dh would drive past their house so he could follow him to the course, but my Dad didn't want to.

[BlueFergie]

Mmmm...its all a bit dramatic isn't it.

First of all of course your Mum should have rung to let you know that your Dad had turned up. And your Dad should have let your DH know he wasn't coming. Why didn't he?...very rude.

The lateness of the arrangements is a non issue in my opinion. Whenever your Dad had been told he still woud have to have found his way there and back.

But why didn't you ring your Mum during the day. Were you not worried about her? Surely if you were that worried about your Dad it would be reasonable to assume she was too. Did you not at least want to check in with her? Seems it all just became about you and your concern with no consideration for what your Mum may be going through?

Why is DH having you ring your Dad for him? Why won't he talk to your parents himself? You are all just as bad as each other.

[QuintessentialShadow]

And of course, if your dh wasnt so worried about your dad coming along to the evening event, your dh might have offered to pick him up, rather than offering that he could "drive after him". Jeezzzzzz.

[fit2drop]

If your dad had been home four hours, why did HE not ring you (he had access to his mobile then) so he could/should have rung you DH too and explain his abscence.

[Pinkjenny]

BlueFergie - I am a bit of a flight person, and you are right about me not ringing her.

[muriel76]

What has dh and my Dad playing golf got to do with me?

That's a good question Jenny - nothing really - so why couldn't they have made the arrangements themselves? And even when your DH did not call him, could your dad not have picked the phone up?

I feel for you that you're upset and your mum sounds pretty awful given how you say she behaved after your son was born but I agree with Reality - it is all a bit disfunctional. You need to disengage a bit.

They are playing mind games and you are letting them, the fact neither of them rang when your dad did get home speaks volumes.

I was struck by your comment about your mum still having her sister and mum while you are an only child. Surely your family now is your DH and DCs, and they come ahead of your parents and any siblings (if you had any).

Any idea when you will get your CBT appointment? Is the waiting list long?

[FilthyDirtyHeathen]

This is my interpretation. Without prejudice.

You and your dh treated your dad very shabbily in the first place. It would have been totally obvious to him (and your mum) that he wasn't 100% welcome. This probably put his nose out of joint and your mum's too. Your dad set off, got lost, missed tee-off and then thought fuck it, they didn't want me in the first place so I'm going home. Your parents didn't call you because they were pissed off with the way the whole invite was handled which is a rather passive-aggressive way of dealing with the situation.

In short you are all in the wrong.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

You all sound WAY too close! 4/5 times a day on the phone?! What the fuck for?!

[Pinkjenny]

We are very close, way too close. I rely on her too much, and she is very territorial when it comes to me. Filthy - I think yu are spot on.