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To Not Understand Why I Feel This Way - and to be desperate not to?

(30 Posts)
RawBluntednessNeeded Sun 21-Aug-11 21:03:18

Have a beautiful DS who was born 10 months ago after 11 long years of infertility, surgery 9 times, medication, lots of heartache. Pregnancy was bloody traumatic as was birth, and I am still suffering from physical complications from EMCS, which leave me a bit fed up at times but not depressed - definately not depressed!

Amazed by DS. He is FABULOUS. I never thought I'd get him, and I am so so amazed to finally be his Mum.

But I am unbelievably sad that I will never have another pregnancy or birth - have been told it would be unlikely that I'd conceive naturally again, and that the pregnancy would be v risky, balancing risk of DS losing his mum against miniscule chance of having another baby anyway means I won't 'even' try.

I have a couple of mates who are heavily pregnant at the moment and seeing them is more difficult than when I used to see friends when struggling with infertility. I feel jealous, bitter and resentful that they are on their 2nd and 3rd pregnancies - and I hate myself for feeling like this. They would never know - I have an excellent mask and am a bloody good actress when needed. I am thier 'wonderful supportive lovely' friend as one wrote in a card to me recently after I went over to take her 2 out to the park for 4 hours with my DS so she could get some sleep - and I played with the kids and had a lovely time but really struggled with seeing her huge bump and all the newborn stuff out again, and her chatter about feeding and type of birth she wants etc.

Why am I mourning for something that was well beyond any wildest dream, when I have my wildest dream come true in DS? Has anyone else ever felt this way?

Please be gentle...! I am aeware IABU but I don't know what to do and would really appreciate any advice or similar experiences. TIA.

MyCatHasStaff Sun 21-Aug-11 21:11:36

Are you me? I have a very similar history including a traumatic birth (EMCS) with complications, and no chance of ever having another pregnancy/birth.
My beautiful, funny, bright, gorgeous ds is 15y now, and I love him to bits. I do all the things you're doing - the mask, helping friends, being genuinely pleased for others having their 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc. But I am still desperately sad for the children and family I can never have. I wish I could say it gets better, but for me it hasn't (sorry).

Pamplemoussse Sun 21-Aug-11 21:14:15

yanbu to be mourning the children who will never be

take care of yourself, coddle yourself as much as you can

the immediate burning pain WILL pass, I PROMISE

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 21-Aug-11 21:14:45

yanbu, we all have our dream and feel down at times.

I have two DS's, and was told I shouldn't have any more. I still go through a grieving process for the baby that will never be. I wasn't finished. I think it's completely normal to mourn what you can't have, especially when it wasn't your choice but was thrust upon you. It can be difficult, though, because if you try to discuss it with people you are often met with 'But you're lucky! You have children! Some people never do!'. All of which is true, but doesn't stop the ache sometimes.

HerHissyness Sun 21-Aug-11 21:16:53

I do understand what you are feeling, but you are the one suffering here.

I am 43, have just kicked out abusive X and having had 3 MC since DS, even in the extremely unlikely event that I ever meet someone new, DS will be an only child.

It IS hard to accept that for no good reason, you can not have another child, but it is the truth. To think as unreasonably as you are will only hurt YOU, and you dear girl have clearly suffered enough.

When your DS is older, you will have so much fun, laughing and chatting with him, you will be able to focus on him and his needs fully and not balance him with another child.

I know it's not much, but it's what you have. You have been so lucky to get your DS finally, thank god after all that waiting,operations and stress you have him.

IMHO, these little blighters get so much more interesting and fun from 10m and up, now is the fun bit, throw yourself into it and hopefully you'll come to terms with life as it is meant to be.


ThatllDoPig Sun 21-Aug-11 21:18:48

I agree with all posters above, couldn't put it better. Be kind to yourself. YA definatly NBU

RawBluntednessNeeded Sun 21-Aug-11 21:23:09

Oh my gosh thank god I'm not alone in feeling this way. I feel like the Bitterest Bitch in the world sometimes and like I'm being ungrateful for what I have got - which I'm certainly not!

And it is so hard to discuss IRL because - spot on - people look at me like I'm crazy and say 'But you've got DS!' which I know - but it's going so fast, and I feel cheated out of a 'normal' pregnacy and birth in many ways - though the rational part of my head knows that 'normal' is completely relative.

My consultant surgeon wants to do a hysterectomy which would help in part with the horrid disease that caused infertility - but I'm still hanging on to this idea that it's too final - despite him making me take 2 urine tests then a serum preg test because he was so stunned I'd fallen. I know it's not going to happen - but like you say I can't let go of the dream yet.

Thank you so so much for sharing your stories ladies, and your thoughts.

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 21-Aug-11 21:23:16

would adoption be an option for you, i know it's not every ones cup of tea

RawBluntednessNeeded Sun 21-Aug-11 21:29:18

X-posted HerHissyness - thank you for the sense, and the hug. You're right - the only one hurting here is me, by me - it's like I batter myself over the head with the 'Not Having Another' rather than accepting the sadness and chasing DS round the room and trying to fetch him back from under the bed - his new favourite hiding place - you're right this is a v fun age!!

But going to make a hot choc now to start the Be Kind To Myself-ness. Just a relief that I've not been slammed for being an ungrateful mare and embittered witch - and that I'm not the only person to ever feel like this.

RawBluntednessNeeded Sun 21-Aug-11 21:31:57

Would love to adopt - or, better and eventually, to foster young mums and their babies to get them on their feet - no idea if that happens scheme wise but would love to. Worry that DH's age - he is much much older than me! - would count against us?

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 21-Aug-11 21:39:29

i have very little idea how it happens, but if that is an option contact i would get the ball rolling as it can take years

pickgo Sun 21-Aug-11 21:40:14

Ah OP that's really such a lovely idea... not thought of it before but just what some young mums would need - like an older sis/mum - the supportive family they should have but often don't.

I've often thought I'd like to start a charity to help teenage mums. They get such a slating and most try really hard against very bad odds and do a great job.

wannabefree Sun 21-Aug-11 21:41:36

Don't be so hard on yourself. YADNBU.

I have two children and don't want a third. I don't feel broody. I don't think I have ever felt broody.

Yet, whenever someone announces they are pregnant/I see a baby bump I feel an inexplicable flash of jealousy and it really baffles me. It happened again today, in fact.

I think it's a natural thing and mother nature's way of ensuring survival of the species. I bet even if I had 10 I'd still feel that momentary flash of jealousy.

wannabefree Sun 21-Aug-11 21:44:57

Sorry...I know my situation is nothing compared to yours.

What I meant by my post is if somebody who doesn't even want any more can feel jealous, then it's understandable that you feel the way you do.

RawBluntednessNeeded Sun 21-Aug-11 21:47:49

Thanks for the link Auntie - packed full off info. With have spool when I've got my head together in near future :-)

It's so hard for teen mums pickgo - a couple of very dear friends were / are young parents and would have benefitted massively from a kind of non-judgemental, educational, familial-but-not-family support. They've all done well but that's down their hard work rather than having things handed to them-what they needed and missed was care and advice often, they way they were treated slimed exclusively by HV's etc was pretty poor. Would love to remedy some of that, eventually. Charity sounds like a great idea - any thoughts on what/how?

RawBluntednessNeeded Sun 21-Aug-11 21:52:17

It's a strange and seemingly more common phenomenon that I thought wannabefree. I've lost count of the number of 'Oh How WONDERFUL conversations I had while feeling crushed inside. The congratulations was and is genuine, but the jealously stings.

NorfolkBroad Sun 21-Aug-11 21:55:07

You are so NBU! i totally understand. I was only able to have one child. She is the light of both our lives, absolutely beyond wonderful but I was absolutely bereft at not being able to have more. For a long time, especially after I miscarried, I used to dislike eating dinner at our dining table because I always felt like there was someone missing!!!!!

During this time whenever i heard that someone was pregnant with their 2nd or 3rd I felt LIVID and yes, like you so bitter. I remember confiding in my BF and she said "Oh, you're not really angry with them" and I screamed "Yes I bloody am, it's not fair!" It is really, really hard and it is a strange kind of mourning because you are sad for something you never had and yet you know you are so lucky. For me it has gotten alot better. I see the many positives of us being a family of 3 (plus gorgeous mad dog) and - I know this sounds very incongruent- but I took up long distance running and through this I have raised alot of money for others with fertility problems. It also made me feel positive about my body which I felt had let us down.

I hope you don't mind my sharing that with you. I am aware that we all deal with things differently but I want you to know that you are NOT alone and you are not a bad person for feeling the way you do.

grumpykat25 Sun 21-Aug-11 21:56:21

I totally understand. There's something about knowing that you'll never have another that makes the progress of your dc both amazing and tinged with sadness that there will be no chance of a repeat. Our dd was born after a long and heartbreaking infertility rollercoaster, and I have since been diagnosed with extra hassle that means we wouldn't be allowed to try again through IVF and we will never conceive naturally. We have been utterly blessed with dd but I still feel grief for the children I hoped to have but never will. And yes, other people and their fecundity tends to bring it to a head with me too. We must (both!) try and appreciate what we have whilst accepting what we will not have <wise yet wistful emoticon>.
(And drink lots of wine after yet another baby appreciation epic visit when we don't feel we have the right to feel sad but do anyway.)

timidviper Sun 21-Aug-11 22:04:03

I also understand your feelings, I have 2 DCs, now grown up, but always feel I could have had more. We all know that our children are a blessing and not a right but our feelings don't necessarily observe rational thought.

One of my friends found as her children got older she wanted to do more so she began voluntary work that does exactly as you mentioned. Volunteers are allocated a family or person that needs support and guidance (often referred by doctors or social services) and help them in whatever way needed. She loves it and they make a real difference but I guess my advice would be to try to enjoy your own child first and think of stuff like this later

RawBluntednessNeeded Sun 21-Aug-11 22:05:59

Norfolk - you're right, doing something positive with my rather rubbish body might be a good way of turning this into a more positive way forward - if bloody c-sec wound ever stops being so painful!!

And here's to wine for all of us who grit out teeth, smile on the outside and die on the inside while paradoxically feeling over the moon for new life and new life's parents.

Thank you so much for sharing your stories ladies, all if you - it's truly humbling and I really appreciate it.

Booshie Sun 21-Aug-11 22:26:57

Oh god - I feel this way too. I had cancer, then IVF, and a very premature DS (28 weeker) also born after EMCS who is now 6 months old and doing brilliantly. I thank my lucky stars every single day for him, but I also mourn that although I am still relatively young (27), this will be my one and only time to be a mother to a baby I have carried.

The thing I am most envious of though is the whole birth process. My DS's was so fraught, he was whisked away before I could see him and I didn't get to hold him for days, or feel like I could be his mother until he was discharged after 2 months in NICU. I had to watch him through the walls of a perspex incubator and give him my expressed milk through a tube into his tummy. In my dreams I imagine having my baby placed straight into my arms, of holding him and him being mine from the minute of his birth. I am jealous of women who get to have that.

I suppose everyone feels envious of something... friends who have a second, or third child, one of each (sexes), or the 'perfect' birth. Its hard to reconcile yourself to not getting what you've dreamed of, but I try and focus on the positives and accept that most people have their own unspoken regrets. I hope it gets easier.

RawBluntednessNeeded Sun 21-Aug-11 22:36:34

I hope it gets easier for you too Booshie - sounds like you've had a horrendous time of it. Glad your DS is doing well abs hope you stay well too. I'm also young - not sure that makes it necessarily harder than if older, but a long old time to feel this way. All the more reason for venting and processing and moving forwards :-)

Booshie Sun 21-Aug-11 22:50:01

Cheers Raw, I know it sounds very 'lentil weaving' but I think having a good old moan and allowing yourself the odd moment of feeling sorry for yourself actually helps a great deal. Most people only get to see my happy face, but I can only keep that up because I allow myself the luxury of being miserable now and again in private. That and the odd wine! wink

Like you, I am determined to move forward and not dwell too much on my regrets. I don't want to look back at DS's babyhood and only remember feeling glum - I want to enjoy every single minute and second of him.

RBN I have two kids but a combination of PCOS and age means it is unlikely I could have any more yet I still felt like crying (and thumping DH) when he suggested it was time to give some of the baby clothes away (DS2 is 4yrs old).

I struggled with fertility so I clamped down on all my hopes and desires for having children until it actually happened. I had wanted kids for years but I didn't really allow myself to think and believe in it until I had a baby because I didn't want to face up to the disappointment and grief if it didn't happen. Maybe its similiar for you? Its only when you had your DS that you could allow yourself to start believing in your wildest dream, before that it was too painful.

I had an EMCS with DS1 and I know it took me a fair time to get over it physically and emotionally. I think it was about 18 months before I got normal sensation in some parts of my stomach. I hope they find out what the issue is for you soon.

Congratulations on your DS by the way smile

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