Was my irritable snapping justified??

[EternalPie]

Just got back from a weekend away with my mum. Things tend to be quite strained between us at the best of times as she has a habit of nagging and taking everything too personally but to my suprise, the weekend passed without incident.

So on the bus on the way home she asked me if I wanted to stay at her house for dinner tonight. Now - I can't win here no matter what I say (if I say yes, she'll moan that she's tired, if I say no, she'll moan that I'm in a mood). So I said "yes if it's no trouble." Her attitude and tone of voice immediately changed as she made it obvious that she was too tired to be cooking meals and wanted to get a shower and go to bed so knowing now that no matter what I said it was going to evolve into a nagging session I said "to be honest, it might be easier if I get straight off home because I'm really tired too." Well - as predicted this set her off:

Mum - "Oh! you think I don't want you to stay!"
me - "No I just thought it would be easier for both of us if I don't"
Mum - "you're in a mood now"
me - "I'm not, I'm tired and should really get home"
Mum - "No you're in a mood because you think I want you to go home!"

Now by this point I am really starting to lose my patience but not wanting to start an argument I stay calm and say:

"Honestly, I'm just tired."

My mum says nothing, just tuts and looks out of the window a few minutes later she looks at me and says "what's up now?!"
me - "I feel sick" (true, I get travel sick)
mum - "no you're in a mood over the dinner!"
me - "No I actually feel very sick"
mum - (giggles and then says:) "You always snap when you're tired!"
me - "I'm feeling sick"
mum - "hey don't start snapping now, we've had a nice weekend so far!"
me - "I'm not, as I said, I feel sick"
mum - "tut, you're always snapping. what's up? are you tired or summat??"
me - (said through gritted teeth) "I feel sick"
mum - "oo I better not talk to you then if you're going to be like that"

ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! For fucks sake sometimes I honestly think she deliberately starts arguments like this so she can play the victim later and tell everyone I snapped at her on the way home and ruined the weekend.

AIBU??? Would you have been able to stay calm in these circumstances??

[activate]

no

hth

[junkcollector]

Are you my sister? My mum is exactly like that. Try to be sympathetic, irritating as it is. It'll be our dcs posting just the same thing in a few years!

[EternalPie]

No it wasn't justified or no I'm not being unreasonable? lol

[junkcollector]

Ps yanbu...

[activate]

"AIBU???"

no

" Would you have been able to stay calm in these circumstances??"

no

hth

[EternalPie]

It's so frustrating though because it gets to that point very quickly that you just can't win, no matter what you say and without fail it is going to turn into an argument. I know it sounds petty but it kinda ruined the entire weekend for me as it finished it off on a sour point.

She's like it with her husband too though. It's so annoying. I mean, if someone is feeling sick and have that that very apparent - it's common sense not to keep going on and on at them about being in a mood etc, especially if they're already starting to snap and lose patience. This is why I'm sure she does it on purpose sometimes.

[DontGoCurly]

Jesus I would have been tempted to push her out of the car!

[EternalPie]

See she's said she wants us to go away for a weekend again and before this, I would have liked to but not when I think of the holiday I don't think of the nice time we had, I automatically think of the frustrating bus ride home which makes me dread doing it again. Which is a shame because we did have a nice time before this

[onepieceofcremeegg]

Sounds very frustrating.

Would it work if you planned the "end bit" of the weekend ahead of time. For example, agree with her before you even leave that you will go straight home/have a takeaway at hers or whatever, then you will both know where you stand?

[EternalPie]

The thing is OnePiece, if it hadn't started over this it would have probably started over something else. It almost started on the Saturday night:

mum - "what shall we do tonight?"
me - "we could go for a walk?"
mum - "um my feet are tired"
me - "well there's a comedian on in the bar?"
mum - "don't like comedians"
me - "right well I don't fancy sitting in the bedroom from 7pm until bedtime to be honest"
mum - "No me neither"
me - "so ....."
mum - "ummm"
me - "shall we give the comedian a chance?"
mum - "oh no, can't stand stuff like that"
me - "a walk then?"
mum - "oh more trudging around"
me - "well I don't know then, we're out of options"
mum - "we could go to our room?"

in other words she wanted to do that all along and wouldn't agree to anything else knowing full well I'd agree to going back to our room in frustration.

[onepieceofcremeegg]

like walking on eggshells by the sound of it, really stressful. And when someone is like that, you can waste so much emotional energy trying to avoid an argument.

mil is a bit like this. We kind of avoid spending time with the ils now tbh. Whatever we do is wrong, and they enjoy "disapproving" of various things.

Sometimes if we visit, they spend time trying to make us feel bad that we didn't visit the week before (or whenever). So this puts us off visiting the next week, vicious circle isn't it!?

[VeraCanSignChocolateAndWine]

Have you tried answering her questions with a question?

Mum - are you staying for tea at my house tonight?
You - what would be best for you?

Mum- what shall we do tonight?
You- what would you like to do? I'm going for a walk. Shall I pick you up a magazine, Which one would you like?

[MockingbirdsNotForSale]

Shame you could not have just been sick on her . That would have proved your point!!

[LineRunner]

In situations where you just can't win, you might as well say whatever you want.

[EternalPie]

Vera, she will never make a decision, will always say it's up to me what we do and then refuse to do anything until I give the suggestion she really wants to do - or like in the OP sometimes there is no right answer.

I'm more annoyed now. I just called her to see if she'd recovered from the weekend and she said "do you feel better now? yes I told them all about you snapping and going off in a mood on the bus!" and I realised a few members of my family were there and they had been discussing me The thing is though my aunt went away with my mum for a week a couple of years back and she ended up snapping too at all the nagging and "no right answer" questions so I'm hoping the family will realise it was probably justified!

She's just annoyed me again though. In front of everyone that was sat there at her house she said to me "remember when that bloke said about your weight when you were telling us how you don't eat properly?" this NEVER happened at all. What actually happened was, a bloke joked that I wouldn't get fat by eating an extra breadroll. I didn't want the breadroll as I was genuinly full but my mum has turned into another "this confirms she starves herself" example for the family to get their knickers in a twist about.

its SO frustrating.