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To say no to them coming for christmas dinner...

(18 Posts)
Honeypie80 Sun 21-Aug-11 07:50:50

I hate Christmas in our house, my mum is twice divorced and now remarried. So on top of the usual visiting everyone at Christmas time, i have my mum, dad, step dad then all the grandparents, aunties and uncles, its also my mums birthday on Christmas day.

For the past 3 years ive spent it with my dp, brother, my nan and stepdad.

To add into this mayhem my mil & fil always try to get me to go to theres on xmas day (they start drinking at 9am, spend the afternoon in a pub, have there dinner at 3 and continue drinking - not my idea of fun at all), ive always declined just cos its my mums birthday and i like to see her, i usually go and see them on christmas evening, boxing day for a family party and then we go again through the week for tea so nobody gets left out.

This year though we have bought a house for the first time, its actually my mum and step dad's house, as i haven't seen her on her birthday for a few years id like to say a massive thank you to her by having xmas and her birthday in our new house, yesterday mil made a remark that made me stop cold, we were sat chatting and she commented on how our dining room would have to be ready for christmas so they could all fit in (by all she means her, fil, sil and partner, bil and his partner, a crazy uncle, and crazy uncles mistress). I sat staring in shock that she had invited herself to christmas dinner and when i spoke to dp later he said well you have to have it with them 1 year they feel left out. We see them constantly, much more than i see my own parents which is the way i like it, im 31 and dont feel the need to still make contact with my mum and dad every day. im also my nans main carer so wouldnt dream of leaving her out at christmas to sit with a load of drunks.

Am i wrong to make a fuss, ive said we could have them over on boxing day or even christmas night, they dont have dinner till late anyway but no thats not good enough, im expected to go the pub with them early on and rink myself into a stupor..... i just want an easy day to relax with people i like, aibu for wanting that????

Sofabitch Sun 21-Aug-11 07:59:23

Christmas is always an issue. I got fed up with it all. So we don't go anywhere now. Our house is open after 12o'clock for anyone who wants to come and have dinner with us. So if both sets of il's or extended family's etc want to come. Then they can. I never invite specifically anymore. And I don't listen to guilt filled crap about who gets more attention. And at 6pm I tell everyone the children are tired from an early morning and busy day so would the kindly fuck off go home so we can settle them. Then our friends come round and. We drink till the early hours.

Tbh if it wasn't for the kids. I'd offer to work the lot just to avoid it.

exoticfruits Sun 21-Aug-11 07:59:53

Don't do it. Just say that you will see them on Boxing Day-make it clear now and stick to it.

Debs75 Sun 21-Aug-11 08:00:36

YANBU to want a xmas where you and most of the guests are sober.

work out how many you can invite and then work out a schedule
8am wake up
9am breakfast
10am open gifts
11am prepare dinner
1pm eat dinner
3pm watch queens speech and open some wine/sherry
4pm let the oldies have a snooze
6pm have a light buffet tea
7pm till late play charades/watch xmas telly

if they want to come to you for xmas explain it is on your terms. everyone is to contribute to the meals, everyone is to help on the day and anyone who gets pissed or gets aggressive will be sent home

Sofabitch Sun 21-Aug-11 08:01:08

Or is it possible to book a restaurant for Christmas dinner. Then you could all meet up for dinner enjoy a couple of hours. Then go home to peace lol

OnlyWantsOne Sun 21-Aug-11 08:01:17

I would invite who you want to your house.

Invite your mum

Then invite you in laws to a meal on boxing day if it suits you, simply tell her it will all be too much for your first attempt at hosting to have them all there AND BEFORE SHE HAS THE CHANCE TO COMMENT you nod and smile at her and say "in sure you understand" and "it will be just lovely to see you on boxing day"

Andrewofgg Sun 21-Aug-11 08:02:08

HUMBUG. Scrooge is the finest character in English literature until Dickens ruins him in the last chapter.

Sofabitch Sun 21-Aug-11 08:02:25

10am presents biscuit outs are open by 6am. I'd cry if I had to wait till 10am.

Honeypie80 Sun 21-Aug-11 08:06:17

I like the idea of going out for a meal, my in laws did this a few years ago, guess where they went, yep their local, not even a proper restaurant just the back of the local pub, then complained how crap it was and that they;d never do it again!

Ive tried explaining its my mums birthday, if we didnt go see mil on her birthday theyre would be a world war, so she cant expect me not to see my own mum, sadly though she does!

Debs75 Sun 21-Aug-11 08:07:34

you have to sneakily word it so they see it as a boring draggrin

and i can beat your 6adam presents with dd1 waking up at 3am to open all her presents,bar 1 and then waking the whole house with her new busted cd. i was soooo mad that when i found her last present i wouldn't let her open it for days

Sofabitch Sun 21-Aug-11 08:08:12

I think the biggest issue here is that your dp wants his parents there. Maybe he should cook this year ?

Debs75 Sun 21-Aug-11 08:08:38

oops 6am

exoticfruits Sun 21-Aug-11 08:11:34

You could just suggest that they might like Boxing Day better because you will not be going to the pub on Christmas Day and you have decided to have an alcohol free day.grin

YellowDinosaur Sun 21-Aug-11 08:13:29

I'm with Debs75 - if they come to yours they do it your way. Its incredibly rude to think that you can invite yourself to someone elses and dictate how they spend Christmas Day. I also agree that everyone needs to contribute to the food, so someone brings wine, someone brings cheese, someone brings pudding, someone brings a starter and you do the main meal for eg. Otherwise its ridiculously expensive.

To the poster who said - do what you want and invite your mum I'd say what about what your dh wants? I understand your reasoning behind wanting to spend it with your mum especially as its also her birthday but its not fair to presume that your dh is always happy to go along with not spending Christmas with his parents. Its not relevant imho how ofter you see them the rest of the time. Why not, on this occasion, see your Mum on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if you never have before? Or if you want your Mum there this year becvause of the house thing I think you need to agree that next year it will be his family. Its pretty selfish to presume that you can always do what YOU want for Christmas tbh.

Or invite your Mum and stepdad and your mil and fil and tell the others to f*ck off! Just because you invite your mil/fil why do you have to ask all the others? Your house, your rules.

Hope you get it sorted

YellowDinosaur Sun 21-Aug-11 08:17:51

cross posted with a lot of you.

I don't GET this think where once you are an adult you get all petulant because your grown up children don't see you on your birthday. I certainly make a lot of fuss of my mum and dad in terms of presents / phone calls etc but its never expected that we spend the day together. To me, there is no ened to be a diva about your birthday once you are an adult.

Now maybe this is because my family don't live close to us but I think your mum and mil are being a bit unreasonable to demand that you spend their birthdays with them especially imho if one falls at Christmas which is clearly an important day for others too. I don't think its unreasonable of your mil to want to spend Christmas with you.

DontCallMeFrothyDragon Sun 21-Aug-11 08:21:15

It's August... <sobs>

I hate Christmas... I truly do.

Honeypie80 Sun 21-Aug-11 08:21:21

Up until 2 years ago my dp always had christmas with them at their house with his sister and brother, its only the past couple of years he has had it with me, and ive been with him for 11 years. my mil has already told me she would be helping me do the cooking, as we havent moved in yet we dont even have an oven, do you think i could survive until after christmas to live without one grin.

If it was just our parents then yes i really wouldnt mind ( i know they wouldnt get on, his our serious drinkers mine are teetotal), but i could just about survive, its the fact that everyone else has to tag along too that i find irritating, why should i have to be dictated to who she has invited to my house for our first christmas together in our house. She is like this constantly though so nothing new, she used to turn up from the pub with her friends on tow planning on having a girly night in my house, id just go to bed and leave them all with my dp, he'd soon get bored and tell them to leave. God what family have i got myself into.....

Honeypie80 Sun 21-Aug-11 08:24:02

My mum doenst force me to spend her birthday with her, i want to as i havent seen her on her birthday for a good few yrs and as shes not in the best of health id feel guilty not seeing her. my mil on the other hand throws herself a huge party every year and everyone is expected to go and give her attention!

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