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to be insulted by IVF gossip?

(69 Posts)
plumtrees Sat 20-Aug-11 22:39:49

After a rather difficult time we have been incredibly lucky and conceived twins after our first cycle of ICSI. We feel totally blessed and are very excited by their arrival early next year.

Only our immediate circle of family and friends knew we were having treatment and though we are not embarrassed or ashamed that we required fertility treatment to conceive, there are some people who we've chosen not to share this information with. I personally think it doesn't matter how they were conceived.

So I was fairly shocked that my DH's friend's wife (who is an extremely competitive and abrasive individual) dismissed our pregnancy to one of my very best friends saying 'they were trying for ages, so it was probably IVF'. (which led to my BF feeling the need to defend us and telling her they were natural - which is very unlike her!) We have given these friends of DH no reason to think we were trying for ages or that we were having treatment, so this can only have come as a rumour through an ex-friend who knew when we'd started trying, a fair amount of time ago. However she doesn't know whether we have had fertility treatment or not, so why comment at all?

I know it shouldn't matter, but I really can't understand why anyone would say something like that - why does it matter how the twins were conceived and if they are a result of fertility treatment, would you not naturally feel even happier for the lucky couple, that they have been successful after what would probably have been quite a difficult time????

Does having fertility treatment in her eyes make the babies some how lesser to her child? Or the pregnancy any less exciting or wonderful? I really can't understand her attitude and though I'd never stop my DH seeing his friend, I have absolutely no inclination to see them ever again.

Have any of you encountered such a bizarre reaction?

AfternoonDelight Sat 20-Aug-11 22:45:51

I don't understand her reaction. From the implied tone of your post it sounds like she thinks that IVF is "cheating" IYSWIM?

Who cares anyway? Congratulations on your pregnancy and enjoy your twins!

Sandalwood Sat 20-Aug-11 22:46:29

I don't expect she's thinking anything is less wonderful or less anything.
She's not giving it any more thought than trying to get a bit of gossip out of your friend.

DrKoothrappali Sat 20-Aug-11 22:46:38

I had someone tell me my PFB looked like a test tube baby hmm

Take no notice, it doesn't matter in the slightest how they were conceived. A close friend of mine has twins, a boy and a girl and she is constantly being asked if they are 'ivf babies' - they are now 8 years old!

Work on developing a thick skin and scathing reply for such stupid people.

Firawla Sat 20-Aug-11 22:48:59

no yanbu, its really rude of her and none of anyone's business and as you say it does not really make a difference either way, its great news either way.
maybe its due to that person being extremely competitive as you say, because people like that might feel jealous as twins may be a "bigger news" than having one baby so maybe cos of that she wants to downplay it by saying "oh probably ivf" - quite bitchy but some people are like that! so would just ignore.
anyway congrats!

Takitezee Sat 20-Aug-11 22:49:36

YANBU, why on earth does it matter how they were conceived? My friend used to get asked all the time whether her twins were IVF and they're identical!

lifechanger Sat 20-Aug-11 22:50:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sofabitch Sat 20-Aug-11 22:50:51

Welcome to parenthood. You are about to be judged--ripped apart-- for every single choice you make for the next 30 possibly more years. Grow a thick skin and ignore it.

Iwantscallops Sat 20-Aug-11 22:53:42

You have said yourself it doesn't matter how they were concieved. If you really believe that then ignore it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. From experience I know what a hard road it is.

LynetteScavo Sat 20-Aug-11 22:55:40

Well, how very rude of her to even mention it!

Although, I will admit that I had an acquaintance with 2 sets of twins, and always presumed to myself they were IVF, until she happened to mention in passing they weren't.

It's so not important how a child is conceived, that it's not worth mentioning, and not worth you getting upset about.

LolaRennt Sat 20-Aug-11 22:56:25

WTF Op? why do people feel the need to talk for the sake of it??

holyShmoley Sat 20-Aug-11 22:58:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happygomummy Sat 20-Aug-11 22:59:41

I think you wrote one really telling sentence - you refer to her "child" ie the silly cow has only one. You are about to have two.

She is jealous.

Ignore her. She is stupidous maximus.

StonedRosie Sat 20-Aug-11 23:01:02

Don't see what the big deal is really, sounds like she was making an observation. An accurate one at that.

SmethwickBelle Sat 20-Aug-11 23:01:17

Ignore her and enjoy your pregnancy and babies, I know a couple of children who were born as a result of fertility treatment and it really is the least important factoid about these interesting small people and their parents.

DrKoothrappali Sat 20-Aug-11 23:01:53

lifechanger I can only assume they think her head is funny shaped or something from being jammed in a test tube for 9 months?! Maybe they think she was actually grown in some sort of massive test tube? God knows. Thick people really are thick sometimes aren't they.

Takitezee Sat 20-Aug-11 23:02:03

holyShmoley ALL children are amazingly precious. Of course you feel that yours are the most special (sadly you're deluded because mine are) but being twins doesn't make them more so.

TalesOfTheUnexpected Sat 20-Aug-11 23:02:04

YANBU. There can be some bizarre reactions and one-up-manship. Me and the ex thought we would be able to have children very easily and I was on the Pill for years because I didn't want children at that point in my life.

Few years on, I change my mind and nope, pregnancy didn't happen. Cue 5 years of unexplained infertility and tests and then IVF. Luckily I got one beautiful daughter from the ivf but my sister, who conceived naturally after YEARS on the Pill (like I had been), conceived by accident years before me.

She still makes the point that the Doctor told her she was "so fertile" and got pregnant so quickly. At this point in the conversation she usually clicks her fingers - snap. Sooooooo fertile. Her daughter is now 21 and she still does the clicking fingers and "so fertile" line.

We also never told anyone we were having ivf. If it had been twins, I think maybe some questions may have been asked though. Although we had 2 embryos implanted, it was a single pregnancy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and your twins. It's a wonderfully exciting time and how they were conceived makes no difference. Ignore it. Rise above it. My daughter is lovely, precious and something I thought I'd never had, but I do still get pissed off at my sisters jibes.

I actually went on to conceive twins naturally after my IVF treatment, and then everyone said it was because I had "relaxed" after the birth of my first child. I believe that's bollocks, but that's another thread altogether.


LineRunner Sat 20-Aug-11 23:06:24

OP, I've just read your original post three times. The person who passed on this gossip to you was your Best Friend, and it upset you.

So you might think about telling your BF not to pass on idle gossip on in future. If she chooses to 'defend' you from nonsense, then perhaps she should keep such tilting at windmills to herself.

If stupid gossip - and this iS stupid gossip - occurs and you don't know about it, then it can't bother you.

No-one needs a Jonah in their lives.

ZillionChocolate Sat 20-Aug-11 23:08:11

I'd like to pretend that everyone has babies delivered by a stork. Why are they so interested in how productive your shagging was?!

littlemisssarcastic Sat 20-Aug-11 23:08:13

Congratulations OP. grin

I would love twins. envy

SiamoFottuti Sat 20-Aug-11 23:10:09

by the tone of your post it seems like you think its cheating or something. How is saying "probably IVF" dismissing anything. You talk of "defending" you by saying it was "natural".

Your attitude is very odd, and I'd be looking at that instead of idle chat, if I were you.

foolserrand Sat 20-Aug-11 23:12:46

Fuck what anyone thinks, you're going to have two lovely children in a few months. Something you obviously want very much. Congratulations. Have a wonderful pregnancy.

StonedRosie Sat 20-Aug-11 23:14:48

I agree Siamo.
I think the op is being oversensitive.

roselover Sat 20-Aug-11 23:16:26

Trust me - as the mother of IVF twins (fabulous - beautiful 22 months old boy and girl) - by the time they are will have so much on your plate that how they were conceived will have so little relevance in your life - IVF is very expensive when it doesn't work and very cheap when it does - your kids are your kids - I am so proud that I stuck it out through 8 goes and came away with a family - man you were lucky to do it first time - I guess some people would like to keep it a secret but I am proud mine are IVF - I had to work like mad to afford it and then there was the blood , sweat and proud to be an IVF mum - my kids will know their story - what their brave mother went through to get them - I am proud of myself. But if its your choice to keep it secret - you should have a word with their "friend" - many years ago , at work, someone asked me to keep quite about their IVF attempts that I had been talking about and I totally understood why - I just had not thought it through - this maybe the case with this person

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